Welcome everybody to my commentary

I've got so much talent, it's a little scary

Is my every random thought insightful? Very

Not just entertaining- I'm a luminary

Neil Patrick Harris- Commentary! The Musical

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Friday Failures #25- CPA and Microsoft

Hello ScoFans!

I know, two highly respected organizations like CPA and Microsoft coming under the Friday Failures microscope at the same time! You might be slightly more surprised than me, because I'm the one writing it and I have been planning it for a few days, but I'm still fairly surprised.

We'll start with Microsoft.

This is probably a commercial some of you have seen. It might be a commercial that was popular in some parts of the world. I'd never seen it was on "The Gruen Transfer" the other night (as a contender for "The Worst Ad Ever"), and I had to share with with you, in case some of you haven't seen it.

Yep, I put that one first so you can all sing along to it while you read the rest of this post.

Next is CPA.

As part of my continuing professional development, I have to do 120 hours every three years of various quizzes, seminars, courses etc. One option I've taken is to do an online quiz on their magazine every month for 1.5 CPD hours.

Usually it's easy. You read the question, skim the article it mentions and find the answer.

This month, the questions got a little trickier..

Thankfully the questions were a bit bigger than that. And you can make them bigger too by clicking on that there picture.

I think what happened there is someone got a bit excited about the long weekend and perhaps slipped a little last Friday afternoon.

And I know the other thing that happened there is even with the question that wasn't really a question, the question that gave no indication as to what the answer might be, the question that isn't really a question at all, I still got it right.

Because. I. Am. That. Damn. Good.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why Nudity Isn't the Point

Hello ScoFans!

It's a long weekend here, and rather than use some of the extra time to write something super special for you all, I've decided to take a bit of a break. Well actually, the opportunity for the break kind of presented itself last week when Jennee of Cheap Therapy left a comment that definitely needed further explanation. So I asked her to guest post in case somebody else saw the comment and wanted the full story.

Plus, I wanted to share another "Naked Man" tale with you all. The office tour has been done, maybe I'll do a "Naked Man" tour.
And THEN maybe we'll combine the two and do a "Naked Office" tour, where we all show up to our workplaces early strip down and wait for coworkers to arrive. Then we take photo's of their surprised face and write the tales of the experience on our blog. Plus then we could vlog the awkward conversation with our employers after the experience, but we'll make sure we're fully clothed by then. There is no place for nudity on the Internet.

Anyway, it's time for Jennee's naked man experience (I might add some notes in italics along the way)...

Why Nudity Isn’t The Point.

A naked man. I’ve seen a few. My personal favorite it the statue of David and there have been other times that I have enjoyed the site of God’s wonderful creation. And then, there have been other times that I would much rather pour acid in my eye balls and beg for blindness.

I have spent the past 2 years trying to forget about this incident that happened in my life, but Scoman promised me that he would pay for all the counseling that I need after admitting the story is true. So, into this tragic memory, I dive.

Miami is full of crazy people and desperate people. I was feeling a little desperate as I searched for an apartment or roommate. I had a week before I would be getting kicked out of my current residence because the family I was renting a room from just decided they wanted me out. My finances weren’t the greatest which limited the luxurious beach side apartment buildings and living alone.

Searching online, I found someone willing to rent out a bedroom. I inquired and learned that it was a single man looking for a roommate. Like I said, I was desperate and agreed to meet with him. I met Carlos after work one evening. I should have known better, going to his apartment after 10:00pm, but I was in a crunch.

Carlos opened the door to his apartment. He looked like he might be going to the gym later. His shorts and t-shirt are about two sizes to big. Yeah, he thought he was cool. Most men are dirty (they are? I didn't even realise we had that option!) and Carlos was one of them. I wanted to bleach his apartment and sweep the floors. I had only seen the kitchen and was ready to explore the rest of the place.

We part from the kitchen to an 6x8 room. This was what he was offering to me for a room. I grinned, realizing that I wouldn’t have a door and that this room was just outside of his bedroom. The bathroom, that we would share, was through his bedroom (who designed this place?).

I told Carlos that the room is much smaller than I was hoping and wondered where I would store my furniture…and clothes. He suggested that we share a closet that was already filled with his crap. “I don’t know, I mean, I’m in a crunch but I don’t know if this is going to work out.” I told him.

“You don’t need to make a decision right this second. Why don’t you hang around for a little bit and we’ll get to know each other and see if we’d get along.” Carlos suggested.

I agreed (remember everyone, she was desperate). He seemed like he was nice and that we would be able to get along but it is never fun living with strangers. We sat down in his bedroom because it was the only place to sit down. I sat in the chair in the corner as he lounged on his bed. We make small talk. “Why are you so uncomfortable?” He asked after a few minutes.

“Do I look uncomfortable?” I may have rambled about us being complete strangers and I was in his apartment and it was getting late and I had a 30 minute drive. He offered me a drink and I declined. He flipped the television to the news and we started talking about current events. Something interesting came up on the television and because I sat in the chair in the corner, I couldn’t see the t.v. I moved over and sat on the edge of the bed. (BIG MISTAKE. (that was her, not me. But I agree))

It is at this moment that Carlos kisses me. I didn’t see it coming and let out an awkward giggle. “You are really beautiful. I could never live with you and not be with you.” He kisses me again and I am a bubble of awkwardness. My mind is racing, what should I do? Should I just kiss him but won’t that lead him on and I don’t even know what just happened but it is kinda nice….I pulled myself away and told Carlos that I better be on my way and that I’ll let him know about the room. I already knew the answer was HELL NO, I can’t live with a guy that wants me. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. What if he jumps me in the middle of the night while I’m dreaming about something pleasant?

“Don’t go. I was just really getting to know you.” Carlos says. He kisses me again and there is a lot of commotion going on. I try to peek and see what he is doing, but he positions my face and keeps kissing me. Finally, our kiss has ended and Carlos is on his bed and no longer wearing his shorts. He’s also…very…happy.

I stood up and he took off his shirt. Completely nude with a boner laying on his bed. “I want you.” He touched himself unapproachably in my company as he taunted me with dirty promises. I’m sure my face had the combined look of shock and disgust. Seriously, I just met him and he thinks I’m gonna jump into his bed because I’m at his apartment late a night? The taste in my mouth has gone bad and all I can think about is going to the gas station and buying some tic-tacs (is it just me, or is anyone else wondering if Carlos actually had a room for rent?).

“I’m not gonna rent the room and I should get going.” I told him and found my way to the door. I got to my car and wonder what just happened.

Carlos called me on my drive home and apologizes. He told me some line about being so attracted to me that he just got lost in desire. We agreed that living together wouldn’t be a good thing but Carlos wanted to see me again. And you know what, I agreed to go on a date with him.

It was my worst date ever. What was I thinking?!?! Carlos took me on a drug deal for our date, left some drugs in my car and asked me for money because he’s broke (that really does sound like more of a "second date" thing).

Bad, bad memories. And this is why I have worked so hard to block it out (Blocking it out hasn't worked, and I'm sure you'll agree sharing and getting it off your chest is a healthy and liberating experience).

* His name isn’t really Carlos, although I don’t know why I’m trying to protect that perverted sleezeball.

I don't know why you protected him either. This blog has a history of naming and shaming sleezeballs. Or not naming them, but posting their pictures. And not so much a history.. it did happen one time.

Thanks for sharing the story Jennee. And remember everyone, if you enjoyed this story you can head over to Cheap Therapy and check out her blog.

And if you have any naked man stories of your own you'd like to share, let me know. I don't mind taking weeks off writing.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Naked Man

Hello ScoFans!

First order of business, Jewels Diva passed me a few pressies in her last post. It was her "Hunk of the Month" post, but unfortunately, I missed out on that title AGAIN. It has to be my month soon though.

Anyway, because I do love to brag and show off the wonderful things people do for me, I thought I'd share those pressies with you now..

For those of you who aren't on Twitter, first of all wake up and smell the '10s, and secondly that's my Twitter avatar. And when it comes to sexy avatar's, I think you'll all agree that one has to be near the top of the list (am I right ladies?)

I think me taking the credit for being the sexy beast though is about on par with Hugh Heffner claiming the glory of being the "Playmate of the month" (I heard that's a thing. I mean, I don't know. I just researched it on Wikipedia. My friend mentioned it once. I only know Hugh Heffner because I saw him on The Simpsons. What's Playboy?)

While we're talking Models, I whinged and complained that Jewels made Michael Weatherly the "Model" covershot and not yours truly. Because whingers always get their way, she was kind enough to email this to me the next day..

Thanks for both of those shots Jewels.

Now on to what I wanted to share with you all today. And be ready, because I'm going to be conducting research at the end of this post, so take notes.

The following story is true.. it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.. actually it happened to a coworker.

A few weeks ago said coworker went out to the pub. The thing about the town I live in is it's about 15 kilometres from an army base, which works out well for this particular coworker. She loves checking out the "men in uniform"

The thing about men in uniform here, especially young men in uniform, is they realise that ladies like young men in uniform, and that makes them incredibly confident.

On this particular night one of these young military men managed to talk his way back to my coworkers place, but she did give him one condition.. she wouldn't sleep with him. She was happy to watch a DVD or just hang out, but he wasn't going to be getting any action.

He agreed to those terms.

So after a bit of DVD watching and sitting with distance between them, she gets up to go to the bathroom. Remember how I said young military men were confident? Well, when she walks back from the bathroom, she found this one just sitting there... naked.

Fans of "How I Met Your Mother" might recognise this move as "The Naked Man"..

(I am being generous to my female readers today, aren't I?)

It was said on "How I Met Your Mother" that this move will work two out of every three times. Unfortunately for soldier boy, he became the one out of three. You know, after the shock had passed.

She wasn't just shocked because he had decided to disrobe, but because she had given him no indication whatsoever that she was interested in seeing him in his birthday suit. And the thing about my coworker is, she isn't backwards in coming forwards and she can be quite loud, so I would hate to be on the wrong end of what he received that night.

I told her I was disappointed though. I told her she shouldn't have carried on like that, she should have just acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. I like to think that someone, somewhere has just given the naked man no reaction. Some guy somewhere has worked up the courage to pull this stunt, and has received not even the batting of an eyelid or missing of a beat for his efforts.

Some of you might be wondering whether I have my coworkers permission to tell this story, well.. I do. She doesn't know I have a blog of course, but she said she is telling everyone and anyone about it and she asked me to do the same in the name of research (being a soldier he isn't local any more, he was shipped out so we don't have to worry about his embarrassment. Not that that concerns any of you, because none of your are local either)

She was going to go out and deal with.. you know, real people, and because I don't like dealing with real people, I volunteered to conduct my research with the Internet.

So in the name of research, I'm putting the following questions out there (please note all answers will be anonymous unless they aren't)
  • Have you ever tried the naked man or woman? Or have you had the naked man or woman tried on you?
  • If so, was it successful?
  • If you have had more than one naked man or woman experience, what is the success rate?
You should note that this research is crucial, as it gives us something to discuss at work in the afternoon after we've had enough of our daily tasks.

And hopefully this post has given you some watercooler or dinner table conversation that you can use in your own lives. I like to help in whatever way I can.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month

Hello ScoFans!

I had a special post for the first of May, and after a discussion at work today I'm going to mark another first of the month with a new month related post. Did anyone follow that?

Today I was talking with a coworker about her daughters getting carried away with this "Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month" thing. She's got four daughters and I think the oldest is about 8. I can imagine it's pretty bad.

There's a few the kids go through these days.

It starts with "Pinch and punch for the first day of the month". No surprises there. That's a classic, we've all heard that one before right?

Next, it moves on to "Flick and kick for being so quick". She hadn't heard that one before, but I grew up with it. Is it just her that doesn't know it? Or is this a relatively new thing? Old people, I'm asking you.

THEN there's "That's not fair so I'm pulling your hair".. that one was new to me. I hadn't heard it. She hadn't heard it before her girls bought it home either.

And that got me wondering.. she's Gen X.. I'm Gen Y.. her kids are whatever they are.. maybe every generation adds a new one to the list.

Well, I've saved the future generations some trouble, because that's just the kind of guy I am. They can refer to this list.. and you can use it to get ready for when you have kids or grandkids or whatever's next in line in your family as well.. you'll know what they're going to be bringing home.

"That was just bad so I'm going to murder your dad"
"Least it wasn't my mum and now I'm using my gun"
"I'm not afraid. Here's a grenade"
"You forgot to pull the pin. Here it is agin"
"Turns out you're a liar, so I'll set you on fire"
"Fire's in the past, eat a laser blast"

By that point we should be at about 2070-2080.

I'm not sure where the world and it's weaponry technology will be at that point, so I can't continue from there.. but hey, we're all set for the next 60 years or so.

So if you haven't had kids yet, just make a mental note of where in the line you expect to have them, and plan what sort of weapons you'll need to send them to school with every month, as well as the sort of things their body armour will need to protect them from.

Also females in the group, if you have a slow witted kid, I'd be prepared to lose a few husbands along the way. And men, may your deaths be quick and painless.

Okay. Now we've had our laugh. Now I have to move on to something serious.

A few weeks ago, I posted pictures of my workplace. All fun games yeah?

Last night however, my workplace was broken into, and I suspect it was one of you assholes, using those pictures to case the joint. (Oh yeah, "case the joint".. I watch cop shows, I know what that means.)

Before you get too stressed, most of you aren't suspects. The bars they climbed through the back means whoever did this is fairly skinny, so a majority your fat asses can rest easy. As for the five or six of you I think would probably fit, I'll be watching, and waiting, and eventually you'll make a mistake.

And I was thinking not only have I posted pictures of my workplace on here, I've posted pictures of myself as well. Maybe whoever broke into my office will use those pictures to come after me.

I decided however, that I don't need to hire protection, because if you were skinny enough to fit through those bars, I'm sure I could crush your bony ass.

And for those of you that saw the pictures of my workplace, remember how organised everything was?

After the detective walked around the office looking lost for a few minutes he came and asked us "How am I supposed to know what's where you left it, and what was messed up by the robbers?"

We were one of nine places broken into last night though. All they stole from us were some of the mints in the tray out the front that we have there for charity.

They opened all the cupboards around where we keep the petty cash, but they didn't open the petty cash cupboard. When one of the girls pointed this out to the detective, this conversation took place:
"But what you have to realise is, these people are working in the dark. They might just have a small flashlight, so it's not necessarily that they're dumb."
"I think they're dumb though"
"Well you might think they're dumb, but we haven't caught them yet"
"............................ Oh"

On the lighter side of crime though (and by "lighter side" I mean "It's funny because it didn't happen to me"), today a bank 25 kilometers up the road from here was robbed.

Hilarious right?

But that's not all. The would be bandits were pulled over by an unmarked police car for not wearing their seatbelts, and while the police were talking to them the call about the robbery came over the radio.

Sometimes you just get lucky I guess.

I'll leave you today with this.

Whichever one of you it is that's coming for me, I'm ready for you.

Hmm.. in this post I referred to the "old people", called you "assholes", "fat asses" and just to include everyone "bony asses" as well. Really though, you're alright. Sometimes.