Welcome everybody to my commentary


I've got so much talent, it's a little scary

Is my every random thought insightful? Very

Not just entertaining- I'm a luminary

Neil Patrick Harris- Commentary! The Musical





Monday, October 4, 2010

thisis Necessary

Hello ScoFans!

I've decided I need a break. A break from blogging. A break from commenting. A break from social networking even.

I've just been so.. tired lately. So I think I need to spend less time on the computer for the next few weeks. Plus, it's nice spring weather here now. I should be outside walking, not trapped in here with.. with you...

And it won't be a complete break. I'll still social network. I'll still check in on the bloggosphere. Just not every day. Maybe even once a week. Maybe not. Just whenever I have the free time and feel like checking in.

How long will the break last. Who knows?

When will I be ready to come back. Who can say?

My creative juices haven't been flowing lately, so I think some time away from the world in complete isolation (other than going to work) should do me good.

I'll rest. I'll get my creativity back. I'll come back and be awesome again. You'll see, it'll be fun.

But before I go a quick shout out to Karen at Karen's World.

John Grisham fans you need to get over there and check out the details of her giveaways because it is like.. John Grimshamfest right now.

And while you're there check out my confession that won me a prize in the first round of giveaways. Yes, that's right, even with the creative juices struggling, even with me being less than my awesome self, I still won something.

Which I think goes to show, even tired and worn down, I'm still pretty awesome.

"So why then, do you need a break?" I hear you ask.

Because I said so, that's why. Now go to your room.

Thinking of you always,


ScoMan

PS Comments are off because I'm not after a whole lot of "Come back soon" or anything like that. I'm just letting you know I'll be gone so you don't send a search party looking for me, or so if you notice I haven't been commenting on your blogs, you won't think it's because you suck. You don't suck. I suck, and I'm weak, and I'm tired.

Monday, September 27, 2010

thisis How you deal with a dodgy mechanic

Hello ScoFans!

"Would you grow up? There's no room for truth on the Internet"
Howard Walowitz - The Big Bang Theory

I have been having trouble with my mechanic lately. I went in and saw him in May and about two weeks ago he started sending me accounts telling me I didn't pay him on the day. Accounts which were for totally different (lesser) amounts than the ones I paid, and which completely different invoice numbers to the one I was given.

As you can imagine, I got quite angry about the whole situation. I've been running around town badmouthing the place, telling coworkers and clients not to deal with them, I've written letters to the local papers telling them about the situation.. and I've even written letters to not so local papers.

On Friday I went in there and I didn't care that there were customers he was talking to as well as others waiting, I walked right past him and told him exactly what I thought of the stunt he was trying to pull.

I told him I knew I always paid him on the day, and he must have been fucked up on something to think I wasn't going to check a/ my bank account and b/ the previous invoice when he started sending me demands for payment. I called him a con artist and asked him how many other people he had scammed pulling this stunt, who couldn't be bothered double checking and just paid their account because it came in the mail.

He became quite flustered and kept stammering and backtracking and mumbling and really didn't have any answers.

And now for the truth...

I have been having trouble with my mechanic lately. I went in and saw him in May and about two weeks ago he started sending me accounts telling me I didn't pay him on the day. Accounts which were for totally different (lesser) amounts than the ones I paid, and which completely different invoice numbers to the one I was given.

As you can imagine, I found the whole situation quite humorous. I've been having a bit of a laugh with some people about it (mostly people who don't live in the area, but with those who do I'm careful to never name the place).

On Friday I went in there and I waited patiently while he dealt with the other customers who were there before me, even though one of them just seemed to be an old guy who was up for having a chat and not actually doing any business. I walked up to him and nervously pulled out my original invoice as well as the accounts he'd been sending me.

He checked the computer system and told me my original invoice was for all the work done to my car on that day, and that someone had raised a second invoice for some unknown reason which was for only part of the work done. He apologised about 1,000 times and I told him "It's okay. These things happen. No system is perfect and we all slip up ones in awhile"

He seemed to be a bit embarrassed about the situation, but told me he was going to look into how it happened. (I hope I didn't get anyone fired)

I'm not the sort of person to get to worked up about things or abuse people for mistakes. We're all human, we all make them, and my way still gets results.


Thinking of you always,


ScoMan

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

thisis Wordless Wednesday #2- Help!

Yes, it's Wordless Wednesday again, which means I talk and you all SHUT UP!... I mean, sit quietly and listen. There's a good reader.

Hello ScoFans!

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted that list of things we hate, and I hinted there was a lot of ScoPoints on offer?





So congratulations to Nic for showing the rest of you losers that a little Scrubs knowledge goes a long way. She just won herself a bazillion ScoPoints. Had she added "How dare you?" it would have been a bajillion.

Why does my spell check accept "Bazillion" but not "Bajillion"?

Oh well.

Anyway, enough of that, now I need your help.

Yes, that's right, I just called you losers and now I want something from you. If there was some magic button I could press to take back the horrible things I said I would, but unfortunately, as far as I'm aware, no such button exists, so we'll just have to leave it be and move on.

I have recently started drinking tea at work, and as such I need some fancy cup which says "Leave me the hell alone".. but not "I'm an asshole so feel free to treat me like one".

Oh, and it should also say "Dexter is an awesome show".

I've narrowed it down to these three..



"Normal people are so hostile."




"Human bonds always lead to complications. Commitment. Sharing. Driving people to the airport."




"So I hear a rumor you're tracking all our internet activity. So is it true? 'Cause I can explain all that she-male stuff".



Okay, so I lied about the last one. I am going to get that for our IT guy for Christmas though. The mug says it in words I never could.

So anyway, what I need you to do is kindly cast your vote at the polly thingy over there, and shape what my coworkers think of me.

It might be obvious from this post I really don't care what they think of me.



Thinking of you always, (kindly.... most of the time)



ScoMan

Monday, September 13, 2010

thisis The Secret to Success

Hello ScoFans!

** This post was inspired by a vlog Vince Caso posted this week. I might refer to it from time to time throughout this post. I don't know yet. I don't know where this is going. It could be exciting, or it could be breathtaking. I don't know**

When you hear successful people talk about the things that got them where they are today, similar themes are common amongst most of them:
  • hard work
  • taking a chance
  • luck
So there's nothing new there. So far my "Secret to Success" sucks big ones. But now we're going to realistically work through those points.

If you ask anybody you meet if they work hard, chances are they will tell you "Yes, of course I do".. especially if their boss is in earshot, so I don't think "hard work" REALLY seperates us.

But after listening to Vince speak passionately this week about the second point (there you go, I did mention it), it made me wonder "Do I have any goals? Is there something I would rather be doing, but the only thing holding me back is an element of risk or the potential for me to fall flat on my face?"

My first response was "No. As stressful as my job can be at times, I work with some amazing people who are happy to support one another and work as a team - plus they have a good sense of humor for bonus points" (and none of them read this blog, so for me to say that with none of them ever knowing I've said it.. it just goes to show you how I feel about them)

Anyone who's worked in an office knows co-workers make or break your enjoyment of your job.

But after dwelling on it for awhile, I thought, "Yes. There is something I would rather me doing with my life. I would rather be spending my days at home playing video games and watching DVDs without worrying about work"

And the only thing holding me back is taking a chance.

But let's go back to the first point, "hard work".

In order to live my dream, I need to maximise my cash. The sooner I maximise my cash, the sooner I can live my dream. There are a number of ways people have done this in the past, but the main two are sound investments and gambling.

Sound investments take a long, long time to gain sufficient funds for me to live the rest of my life on, so that leaves gambling.

Now I have to decide "Do I take everything I have to the casino and put it on black.. then black agian.. then red.. then black.. then red.. then red.. then red.. then black" until I have enough capital to suit my needs? Or do I take the slower approach of putting my fortnightly pay into lotto tickets until eventually, I win a jackpot large enough to meet my requirements?

This is where the hard work comes in. I need to monitor the chance of winning different games at the casino and compare that against the chance of winning the lotto, and then I need to look at the payout from each. How many times would I need to win a particluar game at the casino to reach the same amount of prize money I would get from winning a lotto jackpot?

What are the chances of winning the game that many times in a row?

What if I minimised the risk at the casino but limiting my outlay each time? The prize money received for winning would be less, and therefore I would need to win more times.

What about betting on sporting events?

Is there some sort of system I could develop to maximise my winnings whilst minimising my losses?

Now we come back to the second point - taking a chance.

Whatever system I develop, whatever I come up with, I have to move through the fear and trust my system.

I have to be prepared to lose everything, so that I may gain even more.

Did I just say I'm gaining more than everything?

I believe I did.

Is that possible?

Of course it is. I'm currently reading about a method of having more than everything.. right here.. on my blog.

Finally comes luck. With the system I develop I'm sure I won't require much luck at all, but I guess luck is an element in everything we do. Especially bad luck. Say for example, I forget to carry the one in one of my formulas. That is just bad luck.

So there you have it. I have put my dream out there, as well as a blueprint for how I'm going to get there. It will take a lot of hard work and taking a risk, there is no denying that, but now.. I think I'm ready to get what I deserve.

Wish me luck.



Thinking of you always,


ScoMan







The views presented in this blog do not reflect the views of Vince Caso nor do they reflect the views of the author of the blog. The advice contained within this blog should not be followed by anybody.

If however, you do follow the advice contained in this blog and you are succesful, the author is entitled to 20% of your earnings, and will provide PayPal details for payment to be made into at a later time.

Monday, September 6, 2010

thisis Time to Bond... James Bond?

Hello ScoFans!

"It's easy to bond over hating something together. The Internet is total proof of that"
Codex - The Guild (Series 3, Episode 2)

As anyone who follows me on Twitter knows, I have been watching quite a bit of The Guild the last few weeks. Yes, that's right, I've been spamming your feeds. What, you wanna fight about it?

Anyway, I heard that quote and I realised "She's right. Blogging shouldn't be about entertaining people or making them laugh. It shouldn't be about sharing our lives or connecting with people. No, the Internet is about people who hate things joining together and complaining about those things."

Okay, so there's also quite a lot of porn on the Internet too, but other than porn, the Internet is mostly about hatred.

So I thought, this week, we'd take the opportunity to do some real bonding and strengthen our electronic connection by hating a list of socially acceptable things to hate, collectively shaking our fists and venting our frustration at the below listed things.

Things like cancer. I mean, cancer, what's with all the killing people, really. It's a damn inconvenience.

And also, that .1% of germs that no household cleaner is able to kill. Damn you invincible germs! It's your fault we get sick!

Oh, and cleaning products manufacturers. For years you've told us about your "new and improved" formula, but you've also been telling us your product kills 99.9% of germs. If you're not killing any more germs, how exactly is your product "improved"?

And politicians. I hate them so much.

And don't even get me started on lawyers.

Oh, and what about bad drivers. Am I right? Don't bad drivers suck?

And then there's teams that beat the Essendon Football Club. I know none of you know nothing about the AFL, but you do know me, and you like me, and you want me to be happy.. right?

... at least.. you don't want me to be unhappy..

And what is the deal with mean people? Don't they get that we all hate them? Seriously people, a bit of kindness goes a long way.

Unemployment. That's another bad thing. Because not only is unemployment bad, but when people get really desperate it also leads them to burglary and drug trafficking, which is also bad. That's a three for the price of one right there.

While we're on the subject of crime, rapists, pedophiles and murderers. What is your problem? Most criminals for that matter. You make so many peoples lives unpleasant. We don't like you either.

Bad TV shows also suck. Especially bad TV shows that are advertised a lot, so you're reminded of your anger towards the show in each commercial break, and that just makes you angrier.

Ummm.. what else is pretty awful?...

People who spam your Twitter feed. We don't care what show your watching, either say something interesting or don't tweet at all. (Yes, sometimes I do hate myself, just a little bit)

People who use their Facebook status to seek attention.

People who say w00t.

People who don't spell properly.

People who don't get it.

PeoPleE wHo TyPe lIke ThiS.

People who use social networking to constantly remind us all how much they love their significant other. If you love them so much, get off the damned Internet and spend some time with them.

People who be hating on my game.

People who diss my peeps.

People who are annoying.

People who complain too much.

People who are always happy.

Noisy children.

Crying babies.

Dusting.

Ironing.

Domestic violence.

And of course, Hugh Jackman.

Well, that's all I can come up with. How about you? Do you have anything else we can hate together?

Thinking of you always

ScoMan

PS There is the chance to impress me and earn some serious ScoPoints here.

Monday, August 30, 2010

thisis How to get your passport in Australia

Hello ScoFans!

I just want to start today by pointing you over to Shanimal's Crackers to read about some awesome anonymous pranking. I thought I'd done a pretty good task of my anonymous prank, but I know when I'm beaten, and while she might call it a "good deed".. I think there's definitely an edge of prank to it.

Anyway, as some of you saw on Twitter a few weeks (months?) ago I was looking for advice on how to get started with organising my passport (and as much as I would like to say it's to visit Cher because she told me she could get me tickets to the world premiere of Griff in Toronto, Cher of course it's mostly to visit you... everyone except Cher of course it's mostly to see Griff.. I have been waiting for that movie for a long time), unfortunately that isn't the case.

And it's a good thing that's not the case, because this is a long process and there's no way I'd have it in time for the premiere. Plus, because it's all so hard, I'm really dragging my feet.

So here's how it's happened so far:

- Several of you told me on Twitter to go to the post office and get an application form, I did that .. Monday.. two weeks ago. I also needed to get my photo taken for it, for some reason I decided not to do that on the same day (I think doing two things in one day can be very tiring)

- Two Saturday's ago I started filling out the form and saw I needed my birth certificate as proof of ID. I didn't have that so I texted my parents, and as dad was coming down the following weekend anyway, he told me he'd bring it with him.

- Dad came down last Sunday. As it turns out, my parents never got my birth certificate, just the extract, which is no longer good for anything. Make a mental not to self - apply for a full birth certificate to be sent out to me.

- Thursday this week, I went in to the post office to get my photo taken. I had to take my glasses off for it, plus she said "You're not allowed to smile. You're not allowed to show any teeth. You're not allowed to be happy in any way" - I smiled at that because it was funny, then she gave me a death stare like "What did I just tell you?".. Hey, if you don't want me to smile, don't say stuff that makes me smile. Tell me you deleted my save games on my Xbox, then I won't be smiling.

Plus, because I was trying not to smile, I look like a serial killer in the photos. I think that's handy. "Please let me into your country, I promise I won't kill you... yet"

One of my friends also had to get a "Working with children" card because.. well because he works with children.. and because he wasn't allowed to smile either he looks pretty suspicious on his working with children thing too. Plus he has a beard, and you can't trust people with beards.

He looks like a pedophile and his card that says children are safe around him, that's all I'm saying.

- Last night - Ask mum where the hell I go to apply for the birth certificate. She sent me toward the "Births, death and marriages" website (with any luck I'll only ever be recorded there for two of the three things they manage)

- Today - Go to the website to print out the application form. My printer is out of ink. Email form to my work email address with the subject "Do this or I'll kill you". Have a brief fright when I think I may have accidentally sent it to the work email address and not to MY work email address.

I think it's a shame I don't have my passport though, because it asks "Why are you applying for your birth certificate?" and one of the reasons it lists is "Passport application", then further down you can use your passport and proof of identification. I'd like to say I was applying for the passport and then use it to ID myself, just to freak them out.

Plus when it comes to payment options, one of the ones they offer is "In person".

If I was paying them in person, I wouldn't be filling in their stupid forms and photocopying my ID. I'd go down there and make them do it, and pay them while I was there.

Anyway, soon I will have proof that I exist, and then after that I will be free to travel and explore the world.

The only thing stopping me is my lack of desire to travel and explore the world.

Thinking of you always,

ScoMan

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

thisis Wordless Wednesday #1- Things Sco Would Turn Bi For



Hello ScoFans!

Welcome to my first Wordless Wednesday (and thanks to JustSal for sharing the picture with me)

I should explain to new readers I'm asexual, which is why I use the title "Things Sco Would Turn Bi For" I guess this post proves there are exceptions to every rule. Plus, there's no Government in Australia at the moment, so for the next few days.. anything goes.

I may also need to explain to some of you, being asexual basically means no matter what gender you are or how attractive you are, I don't want you to touch me. In fact, I pretty much like our relationship the way it is. I enjoy the real.. electronic... connection... that we share.

Speaking of how much I like you, if anyone can name the person on the right above, they get 1,000,000 ScoPoints. And if anyone can't name the person on the left, they lose 5,000,000 ScoPoints.

You might also be wondering how come I'm using words on "Wordless Wednesday"

That's because this is my blog, and my rules. Around here "Wordless Wednesday" means I get to say whatever I want, and you all remain wordless. It's my blog, and these are my rules.

Yep, the comments are off.

I am the greatest blogger who ever lived. If you disagree, make sure you leave your arguments in the comment section. If you agree, then leave no comment.

And you might be wondering how you're suppose to claim the ScoPoints if you can't comment and tell me the peoples names. Well, you can't. You just have to live with the self satisfaction that you scored those ScoPoints and nobody else knew it.


Thinking of you always,


ScoMan


The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today
And black's white today
And day's night today

Cole Porter - Anything Goes

Monday, August 23, 2010

thisis The 200th Post

Hello ScoFans!

Welcome to what is the 200th post of.. well.. this URL at least. The title of the blog has changed. The layout has changed. The greeting has changed. There's not much that's stayed the same in the last 200 posts. But like I said, the URL stays the same.. so I guess this post is a tribute to the URL which has remained unchanged through all the other changes (and if I could change it easily, I probably would have.)

Oh.. what's that?

That's something I posted on Twitter the other night. I just had to post it here to reassure you that even though I'm 200 posts down, I've still got plenty of fresh stuff to keep you coming back. I mean, if I can do THAT with 146 characters or less, imagine what I can do with my next 100 posts.

And yes, when I'm as bursting with scosomeness as I was when I was writing that, I do tend to get a bit excited and there is a typo or two there. And unfortunately, I don't spell check my tweets like I spell check my blog.

But on the subject of my next 100 posts, I am planning my first ever "Wordless Wednesday" (because it looks easy and fun) and I am also planning a giveaway sometime in the next few months. Hopefully that's enough to keep you coming back.

Finally, thank you to those of you who have read and commented on the previous 199 posts, as well as those of whose blogs I have stalked over the past.. however long I've been stalking blogs.. whether you've been here a week or whether you've been here 20 months, chances are you've made me smile or you've shaped this blog in some way, so thank you all again.

Thinking of you always


ScoMan

Monday, August 16, 2010

It's time you.. knew,, umm.. "the truth"

Hello... ummm.. ScoFans!

Okay, I... I don't have a lot of... a lot of time to share this with you. I.. they.. they know I'm going to finally reveal... reveal one of the biggest.. the worst conspiracies.. of the last... of all time.. and.. and.. the worst part about it is.. nobody suspects anything.

Some... of you know that.. that I've been sick for about a week now... annnnnnnnnnnd... and I'm sure you thought nothing of it.. because it's winter in Australia... and.. and that's just what happens.. people get sick in the winter... right?

But... that... that's not right... at all... it's just what they... want you to believe...

The doctors... they accountants.. they've been.. conspiring.. against you... for... centuries now.. and.. they're... infecting the population... with disease.. to... to... to.. to test how control groups react.. to the viruses.. and.. to drive people to doctors waiting rooms.. and.. increase.. the doctors revenues.

Ummmm... if you.. if you just think about it.. the signs are... obvious. The.. Americans.. generally visit their accountants... in.. January each year.. for Australia it's during July. That is during their coldest.. months.. to mask what they're doing.. to blame.. the diseases... on the weather..

And even though... more people.. are lodging their own.. returns.. each.. year.. still large percentages.. are visiting accountants.. and that is... is enough.. to move infection... throughout.. the population.

The process.. itself.. is simple.. by.. voluntarily.. locking.. dozens of people... umm.. in small rooms.. with their accountant.. each week.. by.. infecting.. the accountant.. most of the people.. will also become.. umm.. infected.. and.. they spread.. the virus.. through people.. they.. then.. umm.. come into contact with..

So..

If you hear..

Your accountant..

Cough..

You should..

Umm...

I must...

...
...

...

Run...

Monday, August 9, 2010

Anonymous pranks and other things

Hello ScoFans!

Okay, so I've been a bit quiet on the bloggosphere lately. Well, quiet for me at least. I'm sure if the pope had been as active as I have been around the blogs these last few weeks, people would be like "Jesus fucking Christ! It's the pope!"

And then he would punish them for using the lords name in vain. Or vein. Or something. The point is the pope would be pissed. And the pope looks like a man you won't want to piss off.

Do I have excuses for my slackness? Sure. But you've heard them all before, so I won't go into that.

Besides, busy as I may be, I always have to remember what Captain Hammer says:
"When you're the best you can't rest, what's the use?
There's ass needs kicking, some ticking bomb to defuse"

That second line probably relates more to what I do in my free time than it does to my blog, but nonetheless, I feel it still warrants a mention. Plus, as I have indicated, my free time is somewhat lacking these days, and I'm choosing to spend it here, with you, in blogland, rather than out kicking the asses of small children and blowing up orphanages, so I hope you're all happy.

You're taking away the two real joys I have in life, and offering me instead, a third but still much lesser joy.

And not only have I been busy, but of course one of my tweets was mentioned on a television here in Australia last week. A show that's watched by over a million people (sometimes - and that's a lot for an Australian show).

So you know, I'm pretty big time now. I hardly need you lot any more, and still I take the time to drop in. You should all be grateful.

But enough of all that. That's just filler (You're thinking "Wow, if his filler is gold I can't wait til he gets to his content")

Last time I blogged I told you all (or at least those of you who read it) about an anonymous prank I pulled. Since then, I have had an anonymous prank pulled on me.

Okay, thanks for stopping by and... oh, you want to know what the prank was? Well, do we have the time to cover that? I was about to head out to a magazine shoot and.. okay, because I love you, I'll make the time.

My landlord called me last Thursday night to ask if it's okay for some people to come and look through my flat on Friday. It's probably important to mention that she's trying to sell the flats, and she wasn't just selling tickets for people to look through my stuff on account of my new found stardom.

At least, I don't think she was selling tickets.

So I come home on Friday night and do a quick look around and make sure nothing has been moved and everything looks to be still in it's place and making sure there were no giant sacks of money accidentally left behind, to find that everything was in order (although it wasn't until Sunday I noticed the real estate agent had left her card in the middle of my kitchen bench so that probably a fair indication of how hard I actually looked, and probably an unfair indication of how often I actually cook)

After watching the mighty Bombers beat St Kilda last Friday night, I climbed into bed a bit after 11 to find it was quite hot and it was difficult to sleep. My Northern Hemisphere readers might be thinking "It's called Summer, deal with it" and my readers who are fans of science fiction might be thinking that someone had somehow worked out away to change the weather patterns and localize it just to my bedroom, while others still might be thinking that someone had somehow found a way to move my bedroom to the Northern Hemisphere.

But alas, as awesome as some of those things would be (except for it just being Summer, it's Summer for three months of the year, that's hardly special or significant), it was not what was required here.

Someone turned the setting on my electric blanket to 7 (out of 9. I usually have it set on 1)

A normal person or a cranky person might get upset or frustrated or seek vengeance against those who had wronged them.

Being a fellow lover of a good prank, I just laughed and thought "Well played".


Thinking of you always,


ScoMan

Monday, July 26, 2010

What Sco Did

Hello ScoFans!

I've been thinking of writing this post as a "Confession Wednesday" for the last few weeks.. but.. well.. I just haven't really had the time. And instead of let my guilt eat away at me any longer,I need to come clean and get something off my chest... with all of you, my beloved readers, who I know would support me rather than scold me for my actions.

Back on the 8th of June, I went to a seminar for work (don't worry, this post has hardly anything to do with the seminar, in fact, if I weren't reassuring you that this post isn't about the seminar, I would have already stopped talking about the seminar.)

I was the only one from my office attending on this particular day, so I went in, found a seat and introduced myself to the guy sitting next to me. We talked again at morning tea, but I didn't see him during lunch.

After lunch, I walked back into the room to find his books gone. He'd obviously left at lunch time. But he had made a critical mistake.

He'd trusted me.

He left his evaluation sheet with my things to hand in at the end of the day. And he'd left his name on it. And his member number. And his email address.

And he hadn't filled in any of the written response questions. And I had four hours of boredom to kill. (And I was a little bit jealous that I didn't think of leaving during the lunch break. Normally the food is worth sticking around for. Not this year)

Anyway, I filled in his evaluation as follows.

What would you like to see more of in next years seminar?

The pink handout. I like pink. Pink is pretty.

What would you like to see less of in next years seminar?

The yellow hand out. I don't like yellow. Yellow scares me. My sister used to make me wear yellow dresses when I was little. Sometimes when I see big bird, I wet my pants just a little bit. I don't like yellow.

Could you recommend any changes to the seminar?

Don't use the Mission Impossible music when we come in from breaks. You're not spies. You're not sexy enough to be spies.

Do you plan on using the CD attached to today's notes when you get back to your office? If not, why not?

No. I won't be using it. I don't believe in computers or Eskimos. The unicorn told me they don't exist.

It felt good to walk out of that room imagining the chaos or confusion I might cause, or at least the laughter from the person reading the evaluation, without knowing for sure whose life I might touch or in what way they might be impacted.

I do like to think they at least emailed him about his responses to their questions.

It's been a long time since I pulled an anonymous prank, and I have to say, I kind of enjoyed it.

I miss that feeling of not knowing what happens next.


Thinking of you always,


ScoMan

Monday, July 19, 2010

"Narcissitic Personality Disorder",,,,?

Hello ScoFans!

This week, I'm really not in the mood to write much (it's been a long, long week), but because there has been a few posts about quotes and a few about self discovery and what not this week, I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and post something that was on Law and Order: Criminal Intent the other night. (Yes, I still watch that show)

This happened just after they arrested the doer of the crime they were investigating this week..

Serena *reading a book*
These individuals often have a grandiose view of themselves and demand excessive admiration (the excessive admiration I receive from all of you is one of the reasons I continue to blog. In fact, it's why I'm writing a post this week even though I don't feel like writing)

They maneuver well in difficult situations, but their self esteem is fragile. Any threat to their self image might agitate or even enrage them. (so it's best you don't threaten my self image)

Zach
It's good how you.. cite textbook. Yeah.. "Narcissistic personality disorder". It's a psychopathology that fits our Patricia to a tee. (I don't like to self diagnose, but there's no denying I do have narcissistic tendencies. Again, it's a combination of narcissism and introversion that result in me blogging. I want people to know how awesome I am, I just don't want them to talk to me or come near me)

Serena

Or a sign of the zodiac. Patricia's a Scorpio. (Sco is also a Sco-rpio. No self diagnosis necessary)

Zach
....... Yeah.. well..... my father would kill me for saying this but... ah... equally valid.



And because a comment I left at "Stir Fry Awesomeness" recently raised the question as to how many bloggers are introverts and how many are extroverts, I've decided to take a sample using you, my readers. You'll notice the nice little poll thingy up the top there, and if you would kindly answer that honestly, a raccoon riding a pig through the Himalaya's will smile.

Thinking of you always,

ScoMan

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Highlight Reel

Hello ScoFans!

C'est le malaise du moment. L'épidémie qui s'étend. La fête est finie on descend. Les pensées qui glacent la raison. Paupières baissées, visage gris. Surgissent les fantômes de notre lit. On ouvre le loquet de la grille. Du taudis qu'on appelle maison.

Sommes nous les jouets du destin. Souviens toi des moments divins. Planants, éclatés au matin
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls. Perdus les rêves de s'aimer. Le temps où on avait rien fait. Il nous reste toute une vie pour pleurer. Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.

Yeah, I'm just playing with you.

Because there might be some fresh eyes on this blog today, so I thought I would mess with them.. and all of you as well. The bigger the audience, the more fun it is to mess with them.

So why might there be fresh eyes over here?

Well, today I'm being featured at Words of Wisdom as their "Blog of Note"

To save me explaining what exactly that means, I've copied and pasted the following from their site to let Pam and Sandy explain it to you, in their own words.

Words of Wisdom (WOW) is a place for bloggers (women and men) who enjoy reading and writing great content to find each other. What exactly is great content? Great content is blog posts that are thought-provoking and/or insightful. Blog posts that make the reader stop and think and maybe even feel compelled to "join the conversation" by leaving a well thought-out comment. These posts can be serious or humorous. They can be about any topic. But what they have in common is content. Great content.

So thank you to Pam and Sandy for featuring me today, and thank you to Jennee of Cheap Therapy for the nomination.

If you could use a few more blogs in your reader, I recommend the two above.

Being today's "Blog of Note" is a huge honour, and although I'm not going to claim to be or refer to myself as a "hero", I won't mind if you do.

Anyway, I've been following Words of Wisdom for a few months now, and how these BON days work for more people is they link back to a few of their favourite posts to "introduce" themselves and their style to any new readers who might stop by.

Long time readers then go "Psh, I've already read those" and look for the nearest exit.

Medium time readers go "I read that one, that one sounds interesting so I'll read that, that last one sounds pretty shit and I have to get dinner ready so I'll pass on that"

Noobs read any that interest them from the spiel I give. An unbiased spiel. Because I don't like to tell people I'm awesome. I like to let them discover it for themselves.

So, anyway, three of my favourite posts.

(Oh, and just in case you're new to.. you know, the Internet, those underlined highlighted bits are links, and if you click on them it'll take you to a whole nother webpage)

The Girl At The Place Where I Pay My Rent

A post I originally wrote on a blog that my family and friends (and not many other people) read, I have posted this on nearly every blog I had had since.

Of all the posts I wrote on that blog, this one seemed to be the favourite of my family and friends so I thought it would be a favourite of the strangers I have written for since.

When I first posted it my pa texted my mum and he was like "Boom! Ya'll best check out the wikid skillz your boi got yo!", and then he emailed mum the link (she's not tech savvy, she didn't follow the blog) and she sent him a message back "Word"

And so my family and friends I think overreacted a bit, and everyone wanted to talk about what I was writing.

This is one of the reasons I no longer tell family and friends about my blog. I was in my 20's and mum had printed it out and put it on her fridge. It was a weird feeling.

Which was another reason I stopped posting on that blog and for my family and friends- because I then felt pressure to keep up that standard, and I knew I couldn't match it.

So as Eminem might put it, "Stop with the fables, I'm not going to be able to top on this post here"

Backwards Blog My Is This

A post in which I somewhat ditch "blogging conventions" and write just to have a bit of fun.


What Shall We Do With The Drunken Accountant?

I didn't think sailors should get to have all the fun pushing their drunken coworkers, so I updated the classic pirate shanty.

And if you think that was fun, you can join in too! You'll notice on the right there I'm also looking for suggestions of what we can do to the drunken blogger. So click it, add your bit in the comments section and I'll update that as well (looking at the "last updated" bit, I haven't added to it for a few months, so any new suggestions are more than welcome)

As a special bonus, I mentioned Eminem earlier in this post, if you'd like to see me singing some of his stuff you can.

So that's in. I hope any new people that stopped by today found something they enjoyed and if you leave a comment I will work on getting back to your blogs as soon as possible. I always like to return the blog love where I can.

Thinking of you always,

ScoMan

Friday, July 2, 2010

'Cos It Feels Empty.. Without Me




Well I'm back nananananananananana
Eminem- Without Me



Hello ScoFans!

Did you miss me? I've missed all of you. I've missed you so much I'm sitting here at 7 in the morning to let you all know I'm back.. back again.

Some of you know this already but for those of you who haven't heard, I've been battling with Google for the last week.

They locked me out of my email account, out of my blog, out of my reader, out of... no wait, it was just those three.

So, I had to email Google and basically ask the question that had to be asked... "WTF?"

Dear Google,

I tried to sign into my account this morning only to learn that my account has been disabled. Apparently I've violated some "Terms of Service"

I'm not sure what I did, but when Facebook told me I violated their terms of service it's because I made fun of Andrew G. Is this your issue also? I didn't realise he was so powerful.

Not only has my email access been disabled, but my blog has been disabled as well, which I'm sure is causing distress among my many followers. I have dozens of followers. Baker's dozens (They come in thirteens)

So far I have had one of my followers write to me on Twitter and tell me how upset they are. I hope you'll pay for any counselling they require. I don't want to announce publicly what has happened for fear it might cause stress among my other readers.

And Google, I like you. I mean, obviously gmail isn't as cool as Hotmail and your search engine isn't as awesome as Bing, but your blogger website is far better than Microsoft's "spaces". Have you seen it? It's very lame.

Plus Microsoft want to charge me to download a new team into my Blood Bowl game on my Xbox, where if I'd bought the game on PC I wouldn't be charged for that team. I think I will still pay for the download though, because the team is the "Dark Elves". Usually I play as the "Wood Elves", but I find people make fun of "Wood Elves" for being weak ass tree huggers. Nobody messes with Dark Elves though. I hope they have magic powers. Then I will definetely download them.

Wait.. is that how I violated your terms of service? When I posted on that one blog about the Microsoft Songsmith ad? In my defense, that ad is pretty poor, and it deserves to be made fun of.

Anyway, if you could please let me know exactly what term I have violated I would be thankful so I will not violate it again in the future. Not like Microsoft violated me as a consumer by trying to make me pay for the Dark Elves.

I hope we can resolve the matter shortly,

ScoMan

That was last Friday morning (exactly one week ago).

When it came to Sunday and I still hadn't heard from them, I had to email them again, and I was furious, as I'm sure you'll tell by this next email..

Dear Google,

It has been two days since I last contacted you about my disabled account, and I am starting to worry you are using this time to build up a super strong team of Orcs to beat my measly Dark Elves in Blood Bowl, rather than working on a solution to our problem.

People are now becoming frustrated that they cannot access my blog. I have now received up to four Tweets crying out at the injustice of my blog being deactivated, not to mention my email account and access to my Google Reader, which remembers all of their blog addresses so that I don't have to.

I want to know three things.

1/ Why was my account deactivated?

2/ Will my account being reactivated any time in the future?

3/ When is the series Four of Dexter being released in region four?

I hope that we can resolve this matter promptly.

Thinking of you always,

ScoMan

A few more days have rolled by since then and I hadn't heard anything, so this morning when I saw there was one new email in my spam folder I didn't dare hope it was finally a response from Google. I'd been disappointed before. So when it was a response from Google you can imagine how excited I was (I believe my exact words were "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm back baby!")

So what did Google have to say for themselves? What was it that has kept me locked off the bloggosphere for over a week now?

Hello,

Thank you for your report. We apologize for any inconvenience you may have
experienced. The issue you described should now be resolved.

If you're still having trouble accessing your Gmail account, you can reset your
password on the following page, as long as you still have access to the email
address you listed while creating your Gmail account:
https://www.google.com/accounts/ForgotPasswd.

If you aren't receiving the password-assistance email after visiting the above page,
please check your inbox and spam/junk mail for an email from account-recovery-
noreply@google.com.

Finally, we've compiled a survey to better understand suspicious activity associated
with Gmail accounts, and we'd appreciate if you'd take a few minutes to answer the
questions. We are constantly working on ways to safeguard our systems, and the
information you provide will help us continue to protect our users' information:
http://mail.google.com/support/bin/request.py?contact_type=improve_detection.

Sincerely,

The Google Team

"Suspicious activity?"... I'm not sure, but I think Google just accused me of being a terrorist. Or maybe they think I'm suspiciously awesome.

And yeah, that survey sounds like a good idea. Tell you what, it took you a week to get my blog reactivated and I've got a lot of blogs to catch up one due to being locked out of my account, so I don't know Google, maybe I'll get to it one day. Plus you didn't even mention Dexter.

Anyway, I better keep getting ready for work, I just wanted to let you all know the crisis is over, I am back and I will be catching up with your blogs over the weekend (160 something in my reader.. It's going to be a blog filled weekend!)

Thinking of you always,

ScoMan

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Friday Failures #25- CPA and Microsoft

Hello ScoFans!

I know, two highly respected organizations like CPA and Microsoft coming under the Friday Failures microscope at the same time! You might be slightly more surprised than me, because I'm the one writing it and I have been planning it for a few days, but I'm still fairly surprised.


We'll start with Microsoft.

This is probably a commercial some of you have seen. It might be a commercial that was popular in some parts of the world. I'd never seen it was on "The Gruen Transfer" the other night (as a contender for "The Worst Ad Ever"), and I had to share with with you, in case some of you haven't seen it.




Yep, I put that one first so you can all sing along to it while you read the rest of this post.

Next is CPA.

As part of my continuing professional development, I have to do 120 hours every three years of various quizzes, seminars, courses etc. One option I've taken is to do an online quiz on their magazine every month for 1.5 CPD hours.

Usually it's easy. You read the question, skim the article it mentions and find the answer.

This month, the questions got a little trickier..

Thankfully the questions were a bit bigger than that. And you can make them bigger too by clicking on that there picture.

I think what happened there is someone got a bit excited about the long weekend and perhaps slipped a little last Friday afternoon.

And I know the other thing that happened there is even with the question that wasn't really a question, the question that gave no indication as to what the answer might be, the question that isn't really a question at all, I still got it right.

Because. I. Am. That. Damn. Good.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why Nudity Isn't the Point

Hello ScoFans!

It's a long weekend here, and rather than use some of the extra time to write something super special for you all, I've decided to take a bit of a break. Well actually, the opportunity for the break kind of presented itself last week when Jennee of Cheap Therapy left a comment that definitely needed further explanation. So I asked her to guest post in case somebody else saw the comment and wanted the full story.

Plus, I wanted to share another "Naked Man" tale with you all. The office tour has been done, maybe I'll do a "Naked Man" tour.
And THEN maybe we'll combine the two and do a "Naked Office" tour, where we all show up to our workplaces early strip down and wait for coworkers to arrive. Then we take photo's of their surprised face and write the tales of the experience on our blog. Plus then we could vlog the awkward conversation with our employers after the experience, but we'll make sure we're fully clothed by then. There is no place for nudity on the Internet.

Anyway, it's time for Jennee's naked man experience (I might add some notes in italics along the way)...


Why Nudity Isn’t The Point.

A naked man. I’ve seen a few. My personal favorite it the statue of David and there have been other times that I have enjoyed the site of God’s wonderful creation. And then, there have been other times that I would much rather pour acid in my eye balls and beg for blindness.

I have spent the past 2 years trying to forget about this incident that happened in my life, but Scoman promised me that he would pay for all the counseling that I need after admitting the story is true. So, into this tragic memory, I dive.

Miami is full of crazy people and desperate people. I was feeling a little desperate as I searched for an apartment or roommate. I had a week before I would be getting kicked out of my current residence because the family I was renting a room from just decided they wanted me out. My finances weren’t the greatest which limited the luxurious beach side apartment buildings and living alone.

Searching online, I found someone willing to rent out a bedroom. I inquired and learned that it was a single man looking for a roommate. Like I said, I was desperate and agreed to meet with him. I met Carlos after work one evening. I should have known better, going to his apartment after 10:00pm, but I was in a crunch.

Carlos opened the door to his apartment. He looked like he might be going to the gym later. His shorts and t-shirt are about two sizes to big. Yeah, he thought he was cool. Most men are dirty (they are? I didn't even realise we had that option!) and Carlos was one of them. I wanted to bleach his apartment and sweep the floors. I had only seen the kitchen and was ready to explore the rest of the place.

We part from the kitchen to an 6x8 room. This was what he was offering to me for a room. I grinned, realizing that I wouldn’t have a door and that this room was just outside of his bedroom. The bathroom, that we would share, was through his bedroom (who designed this place?).

I told Carlos that the room is much smaller than I was hoping and wondered where I would store my furniture…and clothes. He suggested that we share a closet that was already filled with his crap. “I don’t know, I mean, I’m in a crunch but I don’t know if this is going to work out.” I told him.

“You don’t need to make a decision right this second. Why don’t you hang around for a little bit and we’ll get to know each other and see if we’d get along.” Carlos suggested.

I agreed (remember everyone, she was desperate). He seemed like he was nice and that we would be able to get along but it is never fun living with strangers. We sat down in his bedroom because it was the only place to sit down. I sat in the chair in the corner as he lounged on his bed. We make small talk. “Why are you so uncomfortable?” He asked after a few minutes.

“Do I look uncomfortable?” I may have rambled about us being complete strangers and I was in his apartment and it was getting late and I had a 30 minute drive. He offered me a drink and I declined. He flipped the television to the news and we started talking about current events. Something interesting came up on the television and because I sat in the chair in the corner, I couldn’t see the t.v. I moved over and sat on the edge of the bed. (BIG MISTAKE. (that was her, not me. But I agree))

It is at this moment that Carlos kisses me. I didn’t see it coming and let out an awkward giggle. “You are really beautiful. I could never live with you and not be with you.” He kisses me again and I am a bubble of awkwardness. My mind is racing, what should I do? Should I just kiss him but won’t that lead him on and I don’t even know what just happened but it is kinda nice….I pulled myself away and told Carlos that I better be on my way and that I’ll let him know about the room. I already knew the answer was HELL NO, I can’t live with a guy that wants me. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. What if he jumps me in the middle of the night while I’m dreaming about something pleasant?

“Don’t go. I was just really getting to know you.” Carlos says. He kisses me again and there is a lot of commotion going on. I try to peek and see what he is doing, but he positions my face and keeps kissing me. Finally, our kiss has ended and Carlos is on his bed and no longer wearing his shorts. He’s also…very…happy.

I stood up and he took off his shirt. Completely nude with a boner laying on his bed. “I want you.” He touched himself unapproachably in my company as he taunted me with dirty promises. I’m sure my face had the combined look of shock and disgust. Seriously, I just met him and he thinks I’m gonna jump into his bed because I’m at his apartment late a night? The taste in my mouth has gone bad and all I can think about is going to the gas station and buying some tic-tacs (is it just me, or is anyone else wondering if Carlos actually had a room for rent?).

“I’m not gonna rent the room and I should get going.” I told him and found my way to the door. I got to my car and wonder what just happened.

Carlos called me on my drive home and apologizes. He told me some line about being so attracted to me that he just got lost in desire. We agreed that living together wouldn’t be a good thing but Carlos wanted to see me again. And you know what, I agreed to go on a date with him.

It was my worst date ever. What was I thinking?!?! Carlos took me on a drug deal for our date, left some drugs in my car and asked me for money because he’s broke (that really does sound like more of a "second date" thing).

Bad, bad memories. And this is why I have worked so hard to block it out (Blocking it out hasn't worked, and I'm sure you'll agree sharing and getting it off your chest is a healthy and liberating experience).

* His name isn’t really Carlos, although I don’t know why I’m trying to protect that perverted sleezeball.


I don't know why you protected him either. This blog has a history of naming and shaming sleezeballs. Or not naming them, but posting their pictures. And not so much a history.. it did happen one time.

Thanks for sharing the story Jennee. And remember everyone, if you enjoyed this story you can head over to Cheap Therapy and check out her blog.

And if you have any naked man stories of your own you'd like to share, let me know. I don't mind taking weeks off writing.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Naked Man

Hello ScoFans!

First order of business, Jewels Diva passed me a few pressies in her last post. It was her "Hunk of the Month" post, but unfortunately, I missed out on that title AGAIN. It has to be my month soon though.

Anyway, because I do love to brag and show off the wonderful things people do for me, I thought I'd share those pressies with you now..

For those of you who aren't on Twitter, first of all wake up and smell the '10s, and secondly that's my Twitter avatar. And when it comes to sexy avatar's, I think you'll all agree that one has to be near the top of the list (am I right ladies?)

I think me taking the credit for being the sexy beast though is about on par with Hugh Heffner claiming the glory of being the "Playmate of the month" (I heard that's a thing. I mean, I don't know. I just researched it on Wikipedia. My friend mentioned it once. I only know Hugh Heffner because I saw him on The Simpsons. What's Playboy?)

While we're talking Models, I whinged and complained that Jewels made Michael Weatherly the "Model" covershot and not yours truly. Because whingers always get their way, she was kind enough to email this to me the next day..

Thanks for both of those shots Jewels.

Now on to what I wanted to share with you all today. And be ready, because I'm going to be conducting research at the end of this post, so take notes.

The following story is true.. it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.. actually it happened to a coworker.

A few weeks ago said coworker went out to the pub. The thing about the town I live in is it's about 15 kilometres from an army base, which works out well for this particular coworker. She loves checking out the "men in uniform"

The thing about men in uniform here, especially young men in uniform, is they realise that ladies like young men in uniform, and that makes them incredibly confident.

On this particular night one of these young military men managed to talk his way back to my coworkers place, but she did give him one condition.. she wouldn't sleep with him. She was happy to watch a DVD or just hang out, but he wasn't going to be getting any action.

He agreed to those terms.

So after a bit of DVD watching and sitting with distance between them, she gets up to go to the bathroom. Remember how I said young military men were confident? Well, when she walks back from the bathroom, she found this one just sitting there... naked.

Fans of "How I Met Your Mother" might recognise this move as "The Naked Man"..



(I am being generous to my female readers today, aren't I?)

It was said on "How I Met Your Mother" that this move will work two out of every three times. Unfortunately for soldier boy, he became the one out of three. You know, after the shock had passed.

She wasn't just shocked because he had decided to disrobe, but because she had given him no indication whatsoever that she was interested in seeing him in his birthday suit. And the thing about my coworker is, she isn't backwards in coming forwards and she can be quite loud, so I would hate to be on the wrong end of what he received that night.

I told her I was disappointed though. I told her she shouldn't have carried on like that, she should have just acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. I like to think that someone, somewhere has just given the naked man no reaction. Some guy somewhere has worked up the courage to pull this stunt, and has received not even the batting of an eyelid or missing of a beat for his efforts.

Some of you might be wondering whether I have my coworkers permission to tell this story, well.. I do. She doesn't know I have a blog of course, but she said she is telling everyone and anyone about it and she asked me to do the same in the name of research (being a soldier he isn't local any more, he was shipped out so we don't have to worry about his embarrassment. Not that that concerns any of you, because none of your are local either)

She was going to go out and deal with.. you know, real people, and because I don't like dealing with real people, I volunteered to conduct my research with the Internet.

So in the name of research, I'm putting the following questions out there (please note all answers will be anonymous unless they aren't)
  • Have you ever tried the naked man or woman? Or have you had the naked man or woman tried on you?
  • If so, was it successful?
  • If you have had more than one naked man or woman experience, what is the success rate?
You should note that this research is crucial, as it gives us something to discuss at work in the afternoon after we've had enough of our daily tasks.

And hopefully this post has given you some watercooler or dinner table conversation that you can use in your own lives. I like to help in whatever way I can.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month

Hello ScoFans!

I had a special post for the first of May, and after a discussion at work today I'm going to mark another first of the month with a new month related post. Did anyone follow that?

Today I was talking with a coworker about her daughters getting carried away with this "Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month" thing. She's got four daughters and I think the oldest is about 8. I can imagine it's pretty bad.

There's a few the kids go through these days.

It starts with "Pinch and punch for the first day of the month". No surprises there. That's a classic, we've all heard that one before right?

Next, it moves on to "Flick and kick for being so quick". She hadn't heard that one before, but I grew up with it. Is it just her that doesn't know it? Or is this a relatively new thing? Old people, I'm asking you.

THEN there's "That's not fair so I'm pulling your hair".. that one was new to me. I hadn't heard it. She hadn't heard it before her girls bought it home either.

And that got me wondering.. she's Gen X.. I'm Gen Y.. her kids are whatever they are.. maybe every generation adds a new one to the list.

Well, I've saved the future generations some trouble, because that's just the kind of guy I am. They can refer to this list.. and you can use it to get ready for when you have kids or grandkids or whatever's next in line in your family as well.. you'll know what they're going to be bringing home.

"That was just bad so I'm going to murder your dad"
"Least it wasn't my mum and now I'm using my gun"
"I'm not afraid. Here's a grenade"
"You forgot to pull the pin. Here it is agin"
"Turns out you're a liar, so I'll set you on fire"
"Fire's in the past, eat a laser blast"

By that point we should be at about 2070-2080.

I'm not sure where the world and it's weaponry technology will be at that point, so I can't continue from there.. but hey, we're all set for the next 60 years or so.

So if you haven't had kids yet, just make a mental note of where in the line you expect to have them, and plan what sort of weapons you'll need to send them to school with every month, as well as the sort of things their body armour will need to protect them from.

Also females in the group, if you have a slow witted kid, I'd be prepared to lose a few husbands along the way. And men, may your deaths be quick and painless.

Okay. Now we've had our laugh. Now I have to move on to something serious.

A few weeks ago, I posted pictures of my workplace. All fun games yeah?

Last night however, my workplace was broken into, and I suspect it was one of you assholes, using those pictures to case the joint. (Oh yeah, "case the joint".. I watch cop shows, I know what that means.)

Before you get too stressed, most of you aren't suspects. The bars they climbed through the back means whoever did this is fairly skinny, so a majority your fat asses can rest easy. As for the five or six of you I think would probably fit, I'll be watching, and waiting, and eventually you'll make a mistake.

And I was thinking not only have I posted pictures of my workplace on here, I've posted pictures of myself as well. Maybe whoever broke into my office will use those pictures to come after me.

I decided however, that I don't need to hire protection, because if you were skinny enough to fit through those bars, I'm sure I could crush your bony ass.

And for those of you that saw the pictures of my workplace, remember how organised everything was?

After the detective walked around the office looking lost for a few minutes he came and asked us "How am I supposed to know what's where you left it, and what was messed up by the robbers?"

We were one of nine places broken into last night though. All they stole from us were some of the mints in the tray out the front that we have there for charity.

They opened all the cupboards around where we keep the petty cash, but they didn't open the petty cash cupboard. When one of the girls pointed this out to the detective, this conversation took place:
"But what you have to realise is, these people are working in the dark. They might just have a small flashlight, so it's not necessarily that they're dumb."
"I think they're dumb though"
"Well you might think they're dumb, but we haven't caught them yet"
"............................ Oh"

On the lighter side of crime though (and by "lighter side" I mean "It's funny because it didn't happen to me"), today a bank 25 kilometers up the road from here was robbed.

Hilarious right?

But that's not all. The would be bandits were pulled over by an unmarked police car for not wearing their seatbelts, and while the police were talking to them the call about the robbery came over the radio.

Sometimes you just get lucky I guess.

I'll leave you today with this.

Whichever one of you it is that's coming for me, I'm ready for you.

Hmm.. in this post I referred to the "old people", called you "assholes", "fat asses" and just to include everyone "bony asses" as well. Really though, you're alright. Sometimes.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

TOONDay #3 - Suck Up For That Quick Reward They Said

Hello ScoFans!



Ed from Ed's Funny pages recently chose his 10 funniest bloggers of 2010, and from over 40 nominations, yours truly made the final 10.Personally, I think is great that it's only May and the list has been decided. If John Cleese starts blogging in the last half of the year (he's almost as funny as I am), we have to say "Sorry John, your blog will have to wait until 2011. Your blog is not funny this year"

I was surprised to win, because I know Ed isn't a fan of long posts. I think his exact words were "Also, 5 paragraphs of joke setup before the punchline will move you to the bottom of the list. GET TO THE POINT".. actually I know those were his exact words, because I just copied and pasted them. (Jokes on him though, 5 paragraphs would be a short post for me.)

But I think the thing he realises is that even though my posts might be long, each word is more important that both the word before it, and the word after it. Yes, even these words right now.

Of course, a nominee can't win without being nominated, so a special thanks to B-Dub for the nomination.

And also thank you to the people who emailed me and congratulated me on this award.

I'd like to share a few emails with you now.

Brendan said..

saving factor no meeting!! Are it tightly? Or calf rounded.,.For Many? he A,. To graver of unofficial,.

Dorothy had these words of congratulations..

Not my robberies inherit brandy!! An map vanished, 'are. So illustrate ! was be mental, tweed. Or tall league ...

And I'll share with you one more email. This one came from Penelope.

passages necessitate do residing!! At do token? Is ploughed proceed. Which heavens? by His.. A expedition my ensue,.

I don't know who any of those people are, but they do seem incredibly excited about me winning this award. At least I think that's what they're on about. (Yes, those were all seriously emails I received)

This is probably where most people would move on from the award. They've covered everything they need to cover. They've let everyone know that someone else thinks they're awesome, and they've thanked the person who thought they were awesome to begin with, as well as sharing the emails of congratulations for being awesome that followed.

I'm not ready to move on just yet though.

I'm gonna do this shiz my way.

With a Cartoon (which shouldn't surprise you seeing as this is TOONDay.)

Some of you might notice some subtle changes from my last self portrait. That was thanks to your feedback. Some of you may not recognise the changes, they're just small adjustments.

The other character featuring is one of Ed's creations "StickMan". Head over to this link to catch his last episode.

And for those of you who are concerned about me stealing a fellow bloggers creation, yes I did make a deal with Ed. The deal was, if I use StickMan, he calls his lawyers. It's kind of like the deal rugby league players here make with girls they meet in bars, which is "If your whole team rapes me, I'm calling the cops"

Anyway, less words more toons...

video


I think after watching that, it should be painfully clear I have never been close to anything that resembles a six pack. Sure I've seen them on TV, but in real life? Nup.

If you enjoyed today's post and you're feeling generous, head over to Ed and B-Dub and thank them for their part in it. A butterfly flaps it's wings and ScoMan finds inspiration for a cartoon.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Friday Failures #24- Humbled again

Hello ScoFans!

It's been awhile since I've done a Friday Failure, but this week something happened that I must share with you, and Friday Failure seems like the perfect setting.

This week's Fail involves Andrew G..

For those of you who don't know, Andrew G started out his television career as the host of a late afternoon show on Channel V in Australia, which at the time was mostly about music (but has since thrown a lot of other crap in there.. kind of like MTV)

He was one of my favourite hosts on the show (they rotated between about 6-8 of them at one point), because I liked his taste in music. When all my friends and when the whole world seemed to be on rap, he was excited when people would call in and request a song by the likes of Tool or Kyuss.

But over the years, commercial television and money turned him into this...

The metrosexual pretty boy host of Australian Idol, where good music becomes bad and bad music continues to be bad. Except for Celine Dion songs, they're an improvement over the originals.

Of course, I lost all respect for Andrew G. (It didn't it help that when I worked with Channel V on their bus tour thing, he was a real tool. But that's another story for another day.)

Not only did I lose respect for him, he became my celenemy (Which just became the first word I submitted to the editors of Urban Dictionary. Good on me making up new words as I go). If I were Sheldon Cooper, he would be Wil Wheaton.

I believe it's healthy to have a celebrity who is your enemy (You're right, celenemy is a stupid word. Can I undo my application to Urban Dictionary?) because it means you don't need to find an enemy in every day life. You don't need someone at your office or in your family or that guy who always crosses at the same crossing when you're on your way to work, and sometimes you're just a little bit tempted to not brake for him.

You don't need those people to throw your hatred at. You can throw it at a celebrity. Someone you'll never meet. Celebrities are fair game.

And some of you might be thinking "What do I need an enemy for? Can't we all just get along?"

Um.. yeah.. right.. without an enemy, who are you going to direct your superhero catch phrases at?

What, like I'm the ONLY one who has pages and pages full of catch phrases I would use in different situations if I were a superhero. Like it's JUST me. Like NONE of you do that.

Really? You don't.

Oh..

Anyway, the point is Andrew G became a part of a war he didn't even know he was fighting. Some of you might remember me posting this quite some time ago..


FINALLY I get to the point of the tale.

When I was playing around with Twitter the other day and I found the place that suggested people I should follow (which I can't find again right now). You can imagine how I felt when it suggested I follow Andrew G (Didn't see that coming, did you? I should have written this whole post about Andrew G and then at the end, said it was Miley Cyrus that Twitter suggested.)

In fact, I decided to tell him (and the world) how I felt..


And I felt good about myself. I vented, blew off some steam, thought "Imagine how pissed he is going to be if he reads that. He is going to know some guy he's never heard of doesn't think very highly of him", and I went to bed and slept very peacefully.

And then I woke the next morning to this..

At first I thought "Who the hell told him about Bill Hicks?" (Really, look at that douchebag pose. How can someone who poses like that know about Bill Hicks?)

But then I remembered... he used to be cool.

I think I said it best when I said..

Yep. I later found out, that's not his surname.

So this weeks Friday Failure is me, for taking on one of Twitters celebrities and having it blow up in my face.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Only Boy


I always get into stuff
Just when it's finishing being cool
I'm never quite brave enough
To take a chance on something new
That's for someone else to do

I'm never too far behind
I follow the trends
But I never take any risks
I'm not ahead of the pack
I'm just with the pack
Towards the back

Tripod - Always Get Into Stuff



Hello ScoFans!

This is something that's been happening around the bloggosphere for awhile now, and in fact I think almost everyone else has had their turn.

So when everyone else has finished, become bored with it, packed up and gone home.. then that's when I'll decide to give it a crack (although after I drafted this the first office tour for about a week went up, so I guess I'm not the only one towards the back of the pack)

Cher of The Only Girl and someone else who I'm not sure who it was started an International Workspace Tour many many weeks ago. I kept saying "I'll do it one day", and I was going to do it last week, but last week was the first of May and I had more important things to blog about (I forgot to mention anyone who liked that song can go here and download it, and about 30 of his other songs, for free- you can also pay for others if you choose to), so here is my workspace, albeit delayed by a week.

The title of this post is a play on Cher's "Only Girl", because as of last Friday I am the only boy in my office other than the boss (which means I am the only boy in "The pit".. you'll see what that's about later)

I know you're excited, you always wanted to know what an accounting office looked like right?


This is the tea room. It's the first room you see when you enter the building (from the carpark, obviously not from the street. We don't want our clients entering the building in the tea room. That's where we go to complain about them and the stupid, frustrating things they do. They can't hear that, they might think we don't value their money.)



This is the area that we affectionately refer to as "The deads". It's where we put the files of all of our clients who have moved on to a better place.. like the accountants up the road. Bam!

Ow. I hurt my own feelings.

I like referring to it as the deads. That way if someone comes looking for a file, I have a chance to say "I think we killed them", and the other person knows exactly what I mean. And they don't call the cops.



That's my desk. I'm pretty sure that file was open because I was pretending to be busy. I can tell because there is a closed file on top of the open file, so I'm not sure how I was getting any work done.

Wanna see what's in my drawers?



That's my top drawer. That's where I empty my pockets to when I arrive in the morning. That "Chewy" thing you see would be a muesli bar, which becomes afternoon tea. The purple highlighter hasn't worked in over 12 months. The "Tax Schools" brochure you see there was probably for last years seminar.


That's my bottom drawer. You can see there the book from last years Tax Schools seminar, as well as my dodgy umbrella. In a strong gust of wind, that thing is useless, and I'm better off without it. I have an umbrella at home I use on the really rainy days, that one is back up in case I get caught looking to head home during a light shower (but racing home with that thing in a storm is a far better alternative to... *shudder*.. staying at work)


These are the shelves that sit behind my desk that help to keep me organised.

Top shelf = waiting on info from the client
Second shelf = info has come in, waiting for me to start working on it
Bottom shelf = waiting on a response from the tax office / ASIC etc

As you can see, I'm very efficient. My clients and the government bodies I have to deal with.. not so much.


These are my other shelves.

Top shelf - Files that pretty much "live" at my desk for one reason or another
Second shelf - Printer paper and current tax books
Bottom shelf- Old tax books for reference

So yeah.. I'm pretty organised, right?




WRONG!



That's my desk from side on. Apparently I decided it would be fun to try and build a fort. I'm not sure at what point I realized that by building a fort around myself to lock other people out, I would at the same time be trapping myself at my desk.

But I'm not the only one to leave files just laying about.



That's our boardroom. That's where, in theory, we could be taking some of our clients with a team of us and a team of them and discussing their business and their tax situation and whatever.

Every now and then (like if we have a new client coming in that we want to land) we'll tidy the room up and put on a show.. but mostly it's just used as storage for files that my boss was looking at, at some point he's forgotten why he was looking at them, and so they've been moved there until somebody runs out of stuff to do and picks them up.

This is one of our interview rooms though.

It's where I see most of my clients. They have no idea of what's happening out the back. They wouldn't even realize there's hideous green carpet through most of the office (You all noticed that, right?). There's a few pictures there (from shows my boss has been in or just classic pictures most people have seen) which clients will use to strike up a conversation, there's a graph of the share market's performance which I can use to try and make tax clients financial planning clients, but other than that it's pretty bare.

There's also plenty of these pictures around the office.

My boss loves his trains.

And now for "The pit"

The pit is a large room that is home to eleven employees. It's the big open area at the back of the office where all the work is done.

This is the view from the front looking back..


My desk is about half way along. It might be easier to see from the back.


Yep, that one there with the monitor on.. that's me. I took these photos on a Friday morning (I'm always earliest to the office on a Friday) so that's why the place is pretty quiet.
And that's the few places up the side. Those people are lucky enough to have walls.

Some day, I hope to have walls of my very own some day.

And for anyone who was wondering what was on my background and trying to make it out over the other desks, I'll save you the trouble..

Anyone who knows what that is gets a million ScoPoints.


What are ScoPoints?

ScoPoints are the system I use to help me rank people in my mind. They'll come in handy if you're ever in a burning building with someone else I know and I'm trying to work out which one of you to save.

You're right, there's no way I'm running into a burning building. No matter how many ScoPoints you have, you're on your own.

For more ScoPoints you can also show off your workplace and join up with Cher's International Workspace Tour (if you too are towards the back of the pack).


Taking a chance
That's just not for me

If there's four levels of cool
Then I'm at level three

It goes freakishly cool people first
Cool people next, then there's me..

And then my mum (Happy mothers day mum!)

I never try to set the trend
'Cos I've been hurt before
The only time I went out on a limb
It didn't work out for the best
A bandanna round my chest
Over a vest

Tripod - Always Get Into Stuff