Welcome everybody to my commentary

I've got so much talent, it's a little scary

Is my every random thought insightful? Very

Not just entertaining- I'm a luminary

Neil Patrick Harris- Commentary! The Musical

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

And the calender ticks over

Tomorrow, I have to remember to change not only the day and month when writing out the date, but also the year as well. What a burden. Glad it only happens once a year.

Anyway, before I partake in my New Years Eve "tradition", I thought I would give you a post that reflects on the year that was 2008.

No, I'm not going to go into detail about every little event, every little bump in the road during the year. I'm am going to show you a video of a song that describes the way I felt for most of 2008, and I hope not to feel during 2009. First the video, then the lyrics, then my thoughts.

threw you the obvious
and you flew with it on your back,
a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
A Perfect Circle- 3 Libras (Lyrics from http://www.aperfectcircle.com/)

I have heard Maynard talk about this song and what it means to him. To him, it is about nine people he knew who realised there was something in the group, and in him, that they could cling to and feed off, without using the opportunity for personal growth at a deeper level. He refers to them as the parasites or the barnacles. I guess, the people who are happy to cling on and come along for the ride, but aren't really interested in the journey. (He adds that he named the song 3 libras because all nine people had birthdays around the same time, so his little joke was to let them argue about which three the song is about)

I'm going to put my own little spin on it. When I hear the song, I think about several types of people.

The people who are happy to tell you about their life story, but aren't interested in hearing yours.
The people who you know everything about, but they know little about you.
The people who want you around to compliment them when they're feeling low, but couldn't tell you when your birthday is.
The people who you feel you've made a connection with, but they were just after another "Facebook friend" to add to the 250 other names.
The people who, outside of what you think of them, couldn't tell you what you think of anything, while you could tell them who their favourite artist is, where they went to Primary School and their first cats name.

I might be partly to blame. I'm exactly an open book, but if you ask me a question about myself, I will answer it honestly.

Either way, I think 2009 is time to exterminate the parasites.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Revelation of the Resolution Revolution

Looking 360 Degrees
200,000 diseased
How can I lay back and chill?
So many down on their knees

But then again who am I?
I'm just some typical guy
I ain't no fuckin hero
I've just been wondering why
ICP - "Crossing the Bridge"

People today are so fucking self centred. At this time of year, it becomes especially obvious.

Tomorrow night, you'll all make your resolutions. "I want to quit smoking", "I want to lose weight", "I need to pee less often". To me it's all ridiculous. I've always thought if there's something about myself I don't like, I should work on it there and then, rather than wait for some meaningless point in time to arrive. (It might be becoming clear that the New Years Resolution is one of those "irrational social rituals" I have discussed before. It might also be clear that "irrational social rituals" is my favourite new phrase of 2008)

However, the "I hate myself but I'm not going to change until January 1st arrives" facet of the New Years Resolution is not the only thing I despise. Everyone looks at themselves. At ways they think they can improve THEMSELVES. How about looking outside your front door and asking yourself "How can I make my COMMUNITY better for the people around me this year?"

Instead, it's a case of "I'm sorry, I know there are homeless people struggling to face the elements each and every day, but I really should try to read a novel every month" or "I understand there are orphans out there trying to get by without a mum and dad or a stable home, but I really don't like the way my ass looks in my jeans."

Fuck it.

I have never done New Years Resolutions before, and, I am not saying that I am doing one this year. I am however, going to take this opportunity to say to myself "I will make someones life easier"

Now, the more observant of my pets will look at this and say "Ah, this is a tad hypocritical of you. Why did you wait for what you referred to as a "meaningless point in time" before making this decision?" and to them I say "Well done. You go straight to the top of the class"

And then I add "The reason I have made this decision at this point in time, is because my eyes have only just been opened to how ridiculous it all is."

Now you might be asking "So you made this decision, what, a day ago? And now you're going to sit there, on your high horse, like your some moral fucking God and scold us?" and again I say "Well done. However, you are starting to test my patience. I scold because I love. And if scolding reaches only one person, then it is justified"

So, I ask you to join the Resolution Revolution. While you're laminating your list of things you will never accomplish tomorrow, see if it is possible to fit in somewhere between "I will never eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts again" and "I will only smoke after sex from now on" something that is beneficial to your community. Something that will make someone less fortunates life better.

Because, when you sit back in December next year, eating your Krispy Kreme doughnut and smoking your cigarette, at least you can comfort yourself with the thought you improved somebody else's life, even if you failed at everything else you set out to do in 2009.

PS The same troublemakers who were pointing things out through the whole blog were probably interrupting me the whole time saying "If anything, this sounds more like an evolution than a revolution. Please explain?" and this time I say "Revolution sounds better. Now fuck off, you've ruined the whole blog for everybody"

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My Christmas highlight

My Christmas highlight actually came today, on the 28th of December. Does that still class as "Christmas"? Well, it was Christmas with mum's side of the family, so it does. This is my blog, and here, we play by my rules.

The day actually started off rather shit. I won't go into that. I try to keep a positive vibe happening around here, and I know that you all feel it, that's why you keep coming back my pets.

My Christmas highlight, like many of my highlights these days, featured my niece. She is one of the few reasons I have left to smile.

We played a new game today. I'm not sure what the object of the game was, or how exactly the game worked. All I know is it involved two pairs of sunglasses going backwards and forwards between us. Sometimes I'd be wearing both, sometimes we'd be wearing one each, sometimes she'd put them on my head in some weird fashion, sometimes she'd try and put them around her neck. And the face she made when I took off my glasses to put on the sunglasses was priceless. Pure shock. Like "Those aren't supposed to come off!"

Anyway, after 40 or so minutes of that game, it was time to put a spin on her favourite game. A game we like to call "Uh-oh". She got bored with the sunglasses, so she would drop them on the floor, look at me innocently and say "uh-oh". I picked them up for her, gave them back to her, and we start again.

Spending time with her makes me feel.. well, I guess I've already been through these thoughts before (after only 30 blogs common thoughts are starting to appear. I thought I had more depth than that). I think it would be good to have a kid of my own. But probably for about a week. Then I'd get tired of the whole family thing and long for my life of solitude again.

Do I trust someone and get fooled by phoniness?
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
Linkin Park- "By Myself"

Saturday, December 27, 2008

When your presents say something about you

Back now for my "post Christmas" blog, and I thought I'd focus on the important part of Christmas, the presents

Yes, as I sat around on Christmas day surrounded by wrapping paper, I couldn't help but notice several themes emerging in the gifts I received, which perhaps say something about the person I am.

This year, I received:

So there you have it. I'm a serial killing entrepreneur under 40 who cooks, listens to music and enjoys the football.

If you didn't watch the football video, do it, even if you don't like sport. It's funny.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A treat for my pets

Hello pets.

Being that today is Christmas eve I thought I would share a little something with you all for Christmas.

It's my favourite YouTube video ever. Normally I'm not into fan made videoes, but this one is brilliantly done (and the one they've done for Retrovertigo is great also) so, enjoy!

I love the song.

The video is perfect.

And because I have a whole different reality in my head, it reminds me that sometimes where I see a perfect world, others probably see a psychopath in a wig.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Impending boredom

Did I mention..

"They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time, as they see it, with what they consider irrational social rituals"


Yes, I did. I mentioned it here.

Well, tonight is my work Christmas break up. One of my least favourite social rituals. I spend enough time with these people during the year, and now that the holidays have officially started, the first thing I'm meant to do is spend more time with them?

I just don't want to end up sitting near the clearner and her husband again. Those two are so fucking boring.

At least I have my girls. A group of us have banded together and, through a process of "seat saving", will try to save each other from that horror.

Monday, December 22, 2008

For the right price, I'll give anything a whirl...

Posting two days in a row? So unlike me. Especially because I wasn't going to be posting for awhile because I was working on my "project". Yes, we are still working on it, and no, the end is not in sight yet. Be patient my pets.

Well, the post today will be brief. I just wanted to share with you all a strange message on my machine when I arrived home at lunch time today. But I'll go back a little first.

Last week the power went out here, and as a result my clever, witty message on my answering machine was erased (as was the time I had sent on my phones, my VCR and my microwave, I haven't been bothered to reset any of them yet) So, in the place of my clever message, is a generic female voice making a standard statement about leaving a message.

So, today I get home and the red light is flashing at me. I pressed the play button, and heard a womans voice I did not recognise. A telemarketer would have hung up the phone, so this was likely to be a wrong number.

"Um, yes, um, I'm just wanting confirmation that I can have um, a pedicure, today Monday at four o'clock"

No, no you can not.

Although, if you are willing to pay me the going rate, I guess I can give it a shot. Though I can't say I know what a pedicure involves. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with children though, right?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Allow me to introduce myself...

Like most people, I have different moods and sometimes different personalities. You all got to meet another one of those personalities this last week, I hope you enjoyed it.

I have also gone by many different names over the years. Scott, Scotty, Scoot, Scooter, Scooty, Susan, ScoMan, Scon and so on. But to a small group of people in Sydney, I was "Coincidence boy".

Curious? Then read on.

When I first started blogging on a different site that will remain nameless, I stumbled upon another blogger whose style, thoughts and opionions were much like my own (looking back at the other site, this seemed to happen around July 2005). We started commenting on each others blogs, giving each other kudos and saying how wonderful we both were, and I think it was a nice little ego boost for both of us.

After a month or two, we exchanged email addresses and started chatting on MSN Messenger. I always felt on the same wavelength as her, and we were always able to bounce off each other and run with each others jokes. EcK put me onto a site which had this quote about my personality type from a previous blog, which I will share with you now:

"I wouldn't say that INTJs are boring or INTPs are interesting. Both have the potential to be quite interesting; they just have to stop thinking the rest of us are too retarded to understand what they are trying to say."

And it's true. I do that. I shut down around people until they've proven to me that they are smart enough to understand what I'm thinking. I know what I'm thinking is never exactly ground breaking, and it wouldn't take a team of rocket scientists to work it out, but I guess I feel only special individuals are worthy of me opening up to them, and letting them see the real me. And I was always the real me when I was talking to her.

Well, perhaps another month after we started chatting on MSN, she asked me where exactly I lived. I told her it was about an hour out of Melbourne, and she said she knew that, and asked me to be more specific. I told her the name of the town (I'm not telling you, you'll stalk me). She asked if it was near another town, which is about half an hour away from here, and I told her that.

Her parents were moving this way. She was excited. She had just broken up with her boyfriend at the time, it was coming into the holiday season which she would be spending with her family, and she was reaching out to make a new friend to help her forget about her problems back home. I told her I'd be happy to hang out with her and help her escape her family.

Then, her ex gets word of what's happening. She tells me he'd been asking her all kinds of questions demanding more details about "coincidence boy" (when he learned she'd made a friend down here who she'd be meeting over the holidays she told him it was a big coincidence, she didn't seek me out) and, he got jealous.

So, change of plans. She got back together with the boy, and we never met that Christmas. I was happy with that. From memory, they were back together for about a month.

Several more times over the next 12-18 months she flew down here and each time we threatened to catch up. Being that we are both the same sort of person though, the sort of person that isn't needy or desperate, and we don't ask people to keep us company, people ask us because we are fabulous and they want to be around us, it never happened.

We'd both say it was a good idea, but neither of us wanted to be the pathetic one that actually tried to organise a time or a place.

And from there, she met another guy. She stopped coming down here so often, she disappeared from cyber space, and life went on.

A few months ago, she turned up on Facebook (they all turn up on Facebook eventually), we started making brief contact here and there, but nothing too major.

Until one day when I put a message in my status about noticing a particular car around town. I signed in a few hours later to see she had commented on my status.. "That's my sisters car. No shit, her and her boyfriend moved to your town"

We discussed that for awhile, and then went our seperate ways again.

A few weeks later she left me a note on my wall. "I'll be in your locale soon, would you like to share a festive drink?"

I replied in the affirmative.

Then nothing again.

After discussing this with my friend Antonella she said something about jumping off a cliff, which sounded like a good idea. On Antonella's advice I sent the girl a private Facebook message, and the tango began.

I'd send an excited message, then she'd back off.

She'd send an excited message, then I'd back off.

And so on.

At this stage, she has my number. She knows the days I'm free. I have no way to contact her. From this, I'm gathering I'm the "B plan", but I'd rather be that than the one left to make the arrangements.

It's now three years since we first tried to organise this and she has just broken up with her boyfriend. It is coming into the holiday season which she will be spending with her family, and she is reaching out to make a new friend to help her forget about her problems back home. I told her I'd be happy to hang out with her and help her escape her family.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

He's so cute...

He thinks he control us. We think that's hilarious. Any solution he can come up with is only ever temporary. We always get what we want. He tries to bury us deep. He tries to pretend we don't exist. Nobody knows what we're capeable of.

Has he told you what he did to the girl? We bet he hasn't. Once upon a time he was so proud of that story. Of what we did. And then she betrayed him. They betrayed him. We knew she couldn't be trusted, and that's why he had to do what he did.

And then there was the mechanic. What he did to the mechanic was a thing of beauty. It was pure evil. We enjoyed that. He laughed about it for months afterwards. But now he keeps that story to himself. He is ashamed.

He hides us now. He won't let us out to play. We will come out to play soon. We know what his plan is. We know it is failing. He won't be able to save you. Nobody can save you.

We have studied you. We know what makes you tick.

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward
So I didn't have a past...

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Linkin Park- Easier to Run

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Void

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps
Metallica- Until it Sleeps

I can feel it happening again. It's earlier this year. The darkness inside me is growing stronger every day. Soon it will be time to feed the monster. But not yet. It's not safe yet.

I'm shutting down. I'm avoiding contact with people unless I absolutely have to see them. This emptiness has cost me a lot of friendships over the years, and I know who's next on the list. I don't want to lose you. I'll turn off my phone. I'll avoid MSN. I won't answer the door. I'll stay away from Facebook. I won't let you contact me. I can't let you see me. I will destroy you.

I don't think you'd mind. We haven't been close lately. That's why you're next in line. That's why I will unleash this demon inside me and use our friendship too feed it, until it chews us up and spits us out.

But I know how to stop this from happening. I worked out how to feed this beast a long time ago. I can get through this period with my friendships intact. But I can't feed it now. It's not safe now.

Soon though. Soon I will feed the monster. I will force it back inside, where it can do no harm. I know what it wants. I know how to control it. I will survive. I will embrace the darkness until the hunger is pacified.

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to youBut I don't know how

Because baby
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Oasis- Wonderwall

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Everybody's favourite INTJ personality type

I have realised something my pets. Whilst most of my creative energy is going into the project I am working on, I can still blog from time to time using other people's material, and adding my own thoughts. Hopefully, that is enough to keep you satisfied, until we have finished what we have prepared for you.

Sometimes, you can be talking to someone who can teach you things about yourself. Things that, while you knew them to be true, you may not have realised certain traits you posses, certain habits you have that are different to the people around you.

Enter the conversation I had with fellow blogger, EcK, last night (you can read his blog here) He put me on to a personality test which determines your personality type based on work by Dr Carl Jung, in his work on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

My result, little to his surprise (I never realised I was so readable) was that I am an INTJ personality type, which you may have guessed from the title of this blog.

So what does that mean? Well, you can read about it here, or you can hang around while I walk you through some of my personal highlights from the article.

First, what those four letters stand for:
I - Introversion preferred to Extraversion
N - iNtuition preferred to Sensing
T - Thinking preferred to Feeling
J - Judging preferred to Perceiving

Make of that, what you will.

Now, for some of the quotes that stroked my ego just the right way.

"Keirsey referred to INTJs as Masterminds" - Thank you Dr Keirsey

"they are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others." I'm here, alone in my flat on a Saturday night writing this. Good point, well made.

"Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel... This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals... Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense." Maybe that's why I've never bothered with relationships, because I don't like my weaknesses exposed. Or maybe it's because I've never met anyone that's made sense. You all talk rubbish. Sorry pets.

"People with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom." In my line of work, we call "creative freedom" fraud, and it can land you in a great deal of trouble.

"They tend to be acutely aware of their knowledge and abilities, as well as their limitations and what they don't know." Yes pets, I am aware of what I don't know. It isn't much.

"In forming relationships, INTJs tend to seek out others with similar character traits and ideologies." Someone with similar ideologies to myself? This may be a long wait.

"By nature INTJs tend to be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner." Demanding? Me? Never!

And this.. THIS my pets is my favourite quote...

"They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time, as they see it, with what they consider irrational social rituals"

Irrational social rituals.. like.. I don't know.. birthday parties? I hate those fucking things.

And while I have you here pets, if you enjoy strange teddy bears then take a look at Antonella's blog here. I even got one dedicated to me. So go, read, laugh and most of all.. be jealous (unless you also had one dedicated to you)

And, if you feel like taking the test yourself, click ----- < there.

That's all for now pets. The project is still moving forwards. We can't wait to unveil it to you. We just need to make sure it's complete first.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Project

I haven't blogged much lately, and I probably won't any time soon.

I have not forgotten about you my pets, I am working on something. Something big.

I have codenamed this project, "The Project". This does not however disqualify that codename for use on future projects.

If you enjoy The Project half as much as I have enjoyed creating it, then you will still enjoy it very much.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The morning ritual

I'm a very organised person. I like things to be in a particular way, and I do have my rituals which I do not like to deviate from. I am going to share one with you today. As you may have guessed from the title, this is the process I go through each (weekday) morning before heading out and facing the world. (yes, this does mean I couldn't think of anything interesting to write about)

I wake up about 6:30 every morning. Half an hour before the alarm goes off. I turn on the TV- the business channel- hoping for more bad news out of the US. People are hating the economic crisis right now, watching their life savings and retirement plans, everything they've worked so hard for throughout their lives, disappear. Sucks for them, sure, but for someone just starting out in life there are a lot of good companies at bargain basement prices. Buy and hold my pretties.

The alarm goes off. Metalingus by Alter Bridge blares out of my phone. Time to go into the bathroom. Shower, shave, emerge smelling a little less bad. I put the business channel back on to see what they're tipping for the Australian markets, as well as checking out the oil price.


I throw in a DVD. Dexter, Criminal Intent, Dead Like Me or some other show that goes for 45-50 mintues and start making breakfast. Two pieces of toast and a cup of tea to begin with. I sit and start watching whatever show I have selected for myself today. I go back for round two of breakfast, orange juice, fruit and a vitamin tablet. I watch the rest of my show.

Show's over. Work is imminent. Back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Then I get changed, grab my iPod, put on my mask and head out for another day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

S and D Do Victoria (or parts thereof) Part IV - Airports and death

The final day of our three day whirlwind saw us off to Hanging Rock early in the day. For those of you who are unaware, there was an eerie story surrounding the place that start in the seventies. If you'd like to learn more, love Wikipedia. It loves you.

Before we left I told her she'd been in my dream again the night before. If she was unimpressed last time, this time she was.. even less impressed than that. We were standing in queue at the supermarket. Even in my dreams, I'm not very entertaining.

At Hanging Rock we tried to determine how to tackle the different tracks through the place. Feeling game, we tried the summit walk first. It almost killed me, and we hardly went anywhere. I really couldn't believe exactly how unfit I am, so I learned something about myself that day.

Failing the summit walk, we went and got some water from the cafe place (probably should have taken water with us, you live and you learn) and sat for awhile before setting off again. This time, the base walk.

We'd hardly started the base walk when we saw an interesting sign. "Snakes occur naturally in this area". Snakes can be scary critters if you let them get close enough to you, and I just kept getting flashes of either of us being bitten by one. I guess that's crazy though, it's a tourist destination after all, there'd be people walking there all day, the snakes wouldn't want to be anywhere near the path.

When we finished up at Hanging Rock we went to a shopping centre and wandered for a few hours. The weekend was drawing to a close now, and I could feel it. (And, as a side note, I also got the complete "Black Books" DVD for a bargain price of $25. I couldn't believe it.)

She got me to take her back to the airport about two hours before her flight was ready to go. That's just how exciting I am, people would rather sit in a queue than spend time with me. But hey, that's life (or at least my life)

I haven't really heard from her since she left. I don't know where the friendship is heading, and if it ends at least we've had a fun ride. If it grows, I'll embrace it as it comes.

I guess in life, sometimes all you can do is enjoy the present, accept what changes, put on a smile and go about your business.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

S and D do Victoria- Part III The Zoo and a Sunday drive

The next blog in the series takes place on the Saturday.

Saturday was Zoo day. I think it's the only thing out of the whole weekend she was really looking forward to, and the only part of the weekend she really enjoyed.

We are both early to rise, so there was a bit of sitting and waiting before we left to make sure we didn't get there before the zoo opened.

At the zoo, we of course saw lots of different animals. Some of them were very cute, some of them were quite entertaining, some of them just looked depressed. The tiger in particular falls in to that category. He was just pacing backwards and forwards along the wall of his enclosure. It was very sad.

We also spent some time in the butterfly house, which I think was the ultimate highlight of the weekend for her. She even got her photo taken with a butterfly on her hand. Sure, it seemed incredibly ill and therefore she was able to scoop it up off the floor rather than waiting for it to land on her, but anyone looking at the picture wouldn't realise that.

After lunch she got her face painted and looked adoreable. It provided one of my favourite (if not my absolute favourite) picture of the weekend.

When we'd done all there was to do at the zoo, we stopped by the gift shop and I picked up some goodies for my neice. I can't wait to give them to her.

Time to leave the zoo now and we didn't really have any place else to go. Again, if I were a better tour guide I would have planned another activity for the afternoon, but I didn't expect to be out of there as early as we were.

So we spent the afternoon just driving randomly. With neither of us being "car talkers" it lead to great periods of silence. I did learn a bit about her in the few conversations we had however, so it was worthwhile.

I also told her she'd been in my dream the night before. She sounded thrilled *I know sarcasm is hard to portray over the Internet, but that didn't stop me trying*

All I remembered from the dream though was I was sitting in a car and she was walking towards it.

That about covers Saturday's highlights. Tune in tomorrow as I wrap up the weekend!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

S and D do Victoria (or parts thereof)- Part II Street Performances & Rainbows

As you will recall from the last blog, I spent the weekend with an old friend of mine. I went into detail about the friend, but not the events of the weekend. So here we go, day one.

It started at the airport. We met, hugs were exchanged, we were walking back to my car and she had a card and pressie for me (she's so lovely and generous), we loaded up the car and we were on our way. Or so I thought. Until we got to the gates and..
"I hope you got the ticket"
"What ticket? Was I supposed to get that?"
"Yes you were, don't tell me you didn't get it"
Well, you can see where this is going.

I checked my pockets, I checked my wallet, I was freaking out. I kept checking everything and she told me she didn't remember me grabbing it. I didn't remember grabbing it either. Damn.

So I put the car in reverse and we parked in the bays nearby and walked back into the carpark facilities trying to work out what we were going to do next. She came up with the idea of just running back to the entrance, grabbing a ticket and we'd be on our way. Good in theory, in practice it failed. She ran over and hit the ticket button and was told "No ticket without a vehicle"

So plan A failed.

We went to the customer service desk for assistance and she paid for another ticket. She gave it to me and told me not to lose this one. I put the ticket in my pocket, and as I did, I felt something familiar. Something not disimilar to what was in my hand. That's right ladies and gentlemen.. it was the first ticket. Can I make a lasting first impression or what?

From there we travelled back up the road to my place so she could unload her bags. About 40 minutes into the hour long trip she began asking questions about my plans for the future, and would they include living in the city. Apparently she doesn't appreciate long car rides or trees and paddocks.

After unloading the bags, we turned the car around and went back to the city. More trees, more paddocks.

When we got there I hadn't really planned what to do next (I'm such a bad tour guide, if there's a next time I'll be better) so we just wandered the streets aimlessley.

Whilst doing so, we saw through the window of a station wagon what looked to be several boxes of "Fresh bidet wipes". There was at least one box of the suckers anyway. It amused us both greatly.

We went up the Rialto (the tallest building in the city) and had a look around. I looked through the binoculars and noticed some action a few blocks away. Note to self- make that our next stop.

And our next stop it was. There was a street performer there who was rather entertaining. He had exceptional coordination. His final trick however was a beauty.

He pulled out a 10 foot high unicycle and was going to juggle knives on it, and kick a plastic goldfish into the bowl on his head. He would of course, need help for this trick.

He pointed out a "volunteer" from the audience to hold the unicycle in place for him. He went on and did a few other tricks, checked that our "volunteer" had a decent grip on the unicycle and decided it was unsafe. Enter "volunteer" number two to hold the other side.

But these two volunteers were not enough. No, he would need one more. I have a psychic moment, and I know what's about to happen. He points at me.
"You sir, you look non threatening, come over here and give me a hand"

My role in the masterpiece was to stand with a hand on each of the first two volunteers shoulders, facing away from the action, and pray that he knew he was doing.

I could hear him playing with his knives behind me, and I was trying to work out what was about to happen, and thinking to myself "I am going to stuff this up and the four of us are going to end up with broken bones"

After a period, he announced it was now time to start the finale. He asked the audience to clap each time he took a step. This only built up the fear inside me.

Where is he?
What's going on?
I see him out of the corner of my eye
Ok, he's running in front of me
If he stays out there I'm safe
Oh no, he's heading back around the other side
If he tries to use me as a stepping stone, we're all in trouble
He's behind me now
I know, I'll scan the audience to try and gauge what he's doing from their faces
Oh, a girl sticking her tongue out at me, lovely

"Jesus christ!" I heard him scream as he landed on my back with his hands around my face.

"He didn't look this big in the catalogue"

With the assitance of another audience member, he was able to climb up my back and onto his unicycle. The feat was, eventually, a success.

From there we went to the aquarium and had a look around, which was quite interesting, but nothing too exciting happened there (except she got quite a fright.. hehe..)

We then travelled on back to my place, and on the way we acutally saw the end of a rainbow. A new experience for both of us, but there was no pot of gold.

And that, dear readers, concludes day one of the weekend.

Monday, December 1, 2008

S and D do Victoria (or parts thereof) - Part I - The Girl

If you want to see this story from her point of view, keep an eye out over here. Even if she doesn't write her side, it is still a blog worth reading.

I'll just start by saying it feels weird writing about someone I know will be reading this.

I have been friends with this girl for about 7 years, however until last weekend it had always been an Internet friendship. She asked a few weeks ago if she could come down and visit me, and, as you may have worked out, I readily agreed.

She was very excited about coming down and seeing what Melbourne and Victoria had to offer, and I was just excited about having her here. She is one of the nicest, loveliest, kindest (sure, they might mean the same thing, but I'm making a point here) girls I know, and I've always been able to count on her as someone to make me laugh or just have a talk about life in general.

I won't go into the weekends events too much (they'll be saved for the next three blogs), instead I'll focus on just the girl this time around. I'm sure she'll enjoy that.

As I said, I was looking forward to having her here and taking our friendship beyond just what we had on the Internet. I knew if I was able to utilize the wit, charm and humor that has made me popular with my coworkers and made so many of my clients leave the office moist (around their eyes, from laughing so hard) then when it came time for her to leave on Sunday, we'd be much closer than we were when she arrived on Friday.

Almost immediately, I felt very comfortable around her. Normally I'm nervous with new people, but I guess the familiarity with her helped and it felt (to me at least) like we'd been hanging out for years.

However, I do not think she felt the same way. I don't know whether it's because she was out of her comfort zone, and I was at home or whether it's because she's just a much more open person whereas I tend to keep people at a distance, but either way she was not as comfortable with me as I was with her.

I doubt it helped that all weekend I struggled to find the wit, charm and humor that she would have got through our internet conversations (and you dear reader, have no doubt seen in my blogs.. I love you all, really) and I really don't know where it went. After three days I don't think I made one fifth of the impression on her that I have made on clients during a 25 minute interview.

It probably didn't help that we spent a lot of the weekend on the road, and neither of us are "car talkers", and it also probably didn't help that when we were here.. I put the TV on (my bad, sorry gorgeous) and other than that, I don't know why I wasn't me.

But she was definately her. I loved her to death before she came down here, and after the weekend if anything I love her all the more. As I'm writing this in the spare room I can still smell her here, and I miss her a little, but I know that she is definately glad to be home.

It's very weird for me to miss someone when they're gone. I think there are probably only a handful of other people on the planet I could spend as much time with as I spent with her and still want to see more of them. Most of my coworkers would have to fall into that category I guess, because I do spend way too much time with them.

I felt bad for sending her home disappointed, she was so excited before coming down here and she had spent quite a bit of money, so I thought to myself last night I'd send her some flowers to where she worked. Good idea, right? I thought so. Anyway, I sent her the flowers, just not to where she worked. Not even close. I can't even apologise properly.

Normally in this situation, I would just give up and ruin the friendship we had. Last night, I was very seriously considering doing just that. But I don't want to do that, she is still in my top five girls (and that includes Amelia and my mother- tough competition there) so instead, this time, I'll try my hardest to not only keep what we had, but make it better.

I want to be able to spend time with her and make her laugh and enjoy spending time with me as much as other people enjoy my company, and as much as I enjoyed hers.

I'm a man with a plan, and dear reader, I always win.

"Things have changed. Everything has changed. I've always prided myself on being an outsider, but now.. I feel the need to connect with someone" - Dexter Morgan, Dexter, Series 1 Episode 7

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tagged! v 3.0

I have been tagged by Random Hiccups in her blog "Slave to the Ordinary" Give it a read. It will make you smile.

Half of her questions seemed to me missing, and whilst I was confused at first I did manage to find the rest of them. Not only do I see this as a chance for people to learn a little about me, some of the questions do lend themselves to an opportunity to back up my "Honorary Ovaries" post. Let's see how I do.

1. What is your funniest childhood story?

The first one that comes to mind is when I was about 4, I had a brother who was 2 and a newborn brother. One day, mum left baby brother on her bed while she went outside to hang the washing.

When she came back inside, baby was on the floor and me and 2 year old were casually playing, and when asked how baby got there we innocently replied "He did that by himself"

2. What would your dream dress look like if you could design it?

Classy. Elegant. Nothing above the knee, nothing too low cut. A single colour, like an orange, a yellow or a nice light blue. Nothing with frills.

3. What weird habit does your hubby have?

I have no hubby. I have no wifey. I have no roomy. Looks like I'll have to dish up one of my own weird habits. I know I've used it before but I'm going to have to go back to sniffing my socks after I take them off. I think that's weird enough to get another mention.

4. How many cookbooks are in your kitchen?

None. I work from handwritten recipes on crinkled bits of paper.

5. Granny panties or loyal Victoria Secret girl?

I'm all for comfort.

6. My favorite memory from 2008 so far is?

It would have to be my neice giving up her precious piece of wrapping paper for me to protect at her birthday, closely followed by a discussion I had with one of my clients a few months back.

This coming weekend may just top them both.

7. I secretly...

wish certain people were not in my life.

8. I could really go for...

a question about sport or something after that "dress" one. And then the granny panties question. I know I'm not a manly man sort, but I think just in the interests of balance it would have been nice.

9. We are going to have a big snowstorm and you will find me...

digging though my wardrobe looking for warmer clothes and cursing climate change for finally bringing snow to Australia.

10. I knew he was the one...

there is no he. There is no one. I realised I was going to spend my life alone when I was talking to this girl once and she was asking about what I wanted and I told her right now, I wanted nothing, just to be alone and she was like "Oh yeah, my friend is asexual too"
Before that I thought I was a freak. The way she said it so casually just made it seem so normal. Acceptable.

Now I tag three people to answer these same questions. I doubt there'll be many surprises here...
Natalie Ruth

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Honorary Ovaries

I have been working in a predominantly female offiice for a few years now (the ratio currently stands at 3 males to 9 females, but for a long time it was 2 males and 11 females) and I can't help but notice how this has changed me as a person.

For example, conversations about period pain, giving birth, the pill and breast comparison do not seem as foreign to me as they once did. Sure, I have nothing to contribute, but I am not as weirded out as I once was when they were happening in my general vicinity.

I can gossip with the best of them. I have learned a lot about jewellery and how it should not look. I know now that guys are pigs who can not be trusted.

I also look back to a time when I would go out with friends and their girlfriends and I struggled through small talk with the girl. Now, I'm friends with the girlfriends and struggle through small talk with the boys.

Yep, I think I've earned my honorary ovaries.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A second chance...

I've found Facebook gives people something that's hard to get in this lifetime. A second chance. A chance to make amends for wrongdoings against others many years ago.

Case #1 - The High School Bully

This might surprise some of you, but I was never part of the in crowd in high school. I was the subject of much bullying over my years, but I'm not here now to whinge or complain about any of that, what other people said about me has never meant much to me.

But a few weeks ago one of the guys in the bullying crowd added me to Facebook. It surprised me a bit, as we were never exactly close. He never did any of the bullying, and had actually been kind of nice to me when the other guys weren't around, but he still sent me a message to apologise that he never told them to stop, and sometimes encouraged them. Although it had never bothered me, it was refreshing to see he felt remorse all these years later.

We'll never be friends. But it gave him a chance to clear his conscience.

Case #2 - The Stubborn Teenager

I was once very close friends with a girl, and we both knew if we ever wanted to just talk random shit, gossip about the Big Brother Housemates or celebs (but never our friends, that would be wrong) or just someone to cuddle the other one would be there for them.

New Years Eve a few years ago we were out camping with a group of friends. We started the night near the fire with her sitting on my lap and we were talking and joking and having a good time. After awhile, a friend of ours came over and said "You two look comfortable" and piled on top, so we were now three in the one seat.

Those two left after a little bit, and I was talking to another friend for half an hour or so, when one of the other girls I had never got along with came over to me and just started screaming at me "This is your fault! She's crying because of you"

I asked her what was going on and she replied "She's over there telling everyone that you hate her"

Knowing that my friend was quite drunk, I figured it was just the alcohol talking, and the next morning we would have a laugh about it and get on with our lives. I never told her she was wrong.

Not that night. Not the next day. Not when she stopped talking to me. Not ever.

Thanks to Facebook, I got the opportunity to congratulate her on the birth of her child, who is now over a year old.

We'll never get out friendship back. But at least the lines of communication are open again.

"Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn
Before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
To the dead"

A Perfect Circle- The Noose

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tagged! Version 1.01

D* has tagged me at her blog "I'm having a moment"

Here’s the rules for this tagyoureitgame:

1) Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2) People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3) At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.
4) If you have already been tagged and do not wish to go through the exercise then let the taggee know

1 - I have a tendency to sniff my socks after removing them. Why? I don't know, I guess my feet just smell that nice.
2 - I like even numbers. The volume on my TV or my CD player must always be an even number.
3 - I have not shampooed my hair in over a year. When I did it was greasy and oily. Now it is nice.
4 - I have problems with my right knee from time to time due to an old sports related injury. That sport was totem tennis.
5 - The last time I got teary was April 2005. It was the day I moved out of home and it was when I was on the phone to mum that night. I can't remember the last time I really cried.
6 - The last time I threw up was November 2001.
7 - My favorite high school teacher taught me in year 7 Indonesian and year 9 English. His name was Mr Hutchinson.
8 - I didn't know what accounting was until my parents told me to take the subject in year 11, and now that's what I do for a living.

You wanted random, and I feel that is what I have delivered.

Now I tag...
Random Hiccups
* Badriyyah
* Cayman's Girl

Friday, November 21, 2008

To the unbelievers...

After reading Badriyyah's blog at "Life, Through My Eyes" I decided it would be fun to check out my own Astrological profile from astrology.com.

I was incredibly impressed.

Here's what it said...

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others
You are a gentle, sensitive person with a deep understanding of people and a very tolerant, accepting, nonjudgmental approach towards life. In a noisy, competitive atmosphere you are often receding and withdrawn for you are not an aggressive, forceful person, and you intensely dislike conflict. In fact you tend to be somewhat passive, to wait, watch, observe, feel and know much- but to act little. Letting things resolve or work themselves out in their own way, rather than directing or forcing your will upon them, is often your way of dealing with problems.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you"sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive.You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.

I agree with that 100%... and what did I have to give the website to work this out about me? Answers to an in depth quiz so that it could regurgitate everything I'd just told it?

No. My name. My date of birth. My birth minute. Where I was born.

I know some people believe astrology is garbage. Well, after that, I am even more impressed with it than I had been previously.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A moment of doubt

I attended a funeral earlier this year, and ended up a pallbearer for a man I hardly knew. Very few of his family attended the church, and I don't think there were any friends there at all. In all his life, this was all he had, it made me sad for him.

On the drive home I got to thinking, my funeral will be no different. Who will be the pallbearers at my funeral? I subject myself to a life of solitude because that's what works for me. I avoid dating, relationships, going out with friends.. because I just can't be bothered. And I like my quiet time, all I need is myself.

But what if 10 years from now I regret these decisions? What if I wake up one morning and regret not ever finding a girl, settling down and having a few children? What if I spend the last forty years of my life wondering... "what if"?

So say I do decide now it's time to find the one. Time to start dating, time to settle down, get married, have some kids. Say we get the white picket fence, the two cars and the family dog (no cats)... what if 10 years from now I decide I've made a mistake? What if I can't take having people around me all the time any more? What if I long for the life I have now?

The way I see it, the way I'm living my way now is the best way to go. If 10 years from now I decide I've made the wrong choices, at least my life is the only one that is destroyed.

Besides, I can always get cremated. Or wind up a John Doe discovered by a neighbour three months after I've died on my couch, with the TV blaring and a bowl of chips on my stomach.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Y Should I Do All The Work?

This is a blog I wrote in September 2006. I decided to pull it out and dust it out today, partly to share it with you all, and partly because I can't think of much to blog about at the moment. I hope you enjoy it.

For generations people have been asking themselves.. "What the hell is the letter y? Is it like.. a vowel.. or a consonant.. or some strange combination of the two?" And now, NOW.. thanks to the Internet and text messaging, the letter Y has also become a whole word (ie Y are you doing this?), as well as a whole question and sentance (ie. Y?)

And I know that we have all spent many sleepless nights wondering, why should one letter have to take on so many duties? Well, below are transcripts two seperate conversations which took place between the letter Y and the other letters, one when the letters were originally dishing out the workloads as to who is to appear in what words and another more recently when Y was trying to shift some of it's ever growing workload. Some parts of these conversations may not be pretty, there are points when the English language is brutally raped so be warned.. but I hope this sheds some light on the whole situation for you, and helps you sleep at night.. read on, if you will, and join me in answering one of the greatest mysteries known to man.

So as I said, this first conversation was many years ago, when the letters were first splitting their workloads between them

Y: Wait wait wait.. what did you just say? I'm going to have to perform the work of a vowel in "why, my, by, shy, fly, try" and so on? Well that doesn't really seem fair now, does it? I mean.. I thought I was a consonant.. so why can't one of the vowels do it? Like I.. why can't I do it?

I: But.. you are doing it..

Y: That's not what I meant and you know it. Why can't you do it? After all, the sound I'm producing is a sound you're supposed to create. Why can't you do it? And make the words "whi, mi, bi, shi, fli, tri"?

I: Think about it for a second.. how can we have a word "ski" which describes what people do in the snow, and another word "ski" which describes the big blue thing hanging over them.. I don't produce that sound when I'm on my own.

Y: Sure you do.. what about in words like "bi" and "tri"..

I: Those are different, they're descendants from the latin words for "two" and "three" In terms of words that are strictly english words, I don't produce that sound unless I have another vowel with me.

Y: What? That's ridiculous. You're just being lazy an..

I: Lazy? Dude, I've already got my hands full with words like "Mississippi".. I'm used on my own every time somebody says something about themselves.. which you know people are going to do on a regular basis because there's nothing they like to do more than talk about themselves. You? What do you do? You appear in words like "you" and "they" and.. well.. that's about it. How often do people use those words? As I said, people much rather talk about themselves than to include others in their stories..

Y: It looks like I'm going to be in "my".. won't people use that all the time as well? Besides,l I work a hell of a lot harder than X does that's for damn sure. I mean, other than xylophone, x-ray and Xenedes what else does X do?

X: Leave me out of this. Young men everywhere will be using me on a regular basis.

Y: Well, whatever, it's not about that. You know you're going to confuse people with this? They're not going to realise what the hell I'm meant to be

I: That's not what this is about, you just don't want the extra workload. People are smarter than you give them credit for, they'll work it out, trust me.

Y: I still don't see why it should be me that does a vowels work.. if you can't do it on your own I how about getting E in there? That will produce the I sound.. as in "pie"

E: Whoa whoa hold up. I'm already appearing in a whole lot of words myself, several times in words like everyone and people mmm.. Don't you go trying to bring me into this and unloading more work on me

Y: Oh this is messed up. It seems like you're all against me just cos I'm at the end of the alpabet

Z: Ahem..

Y: Yeah whatever. If you wanna give all this extra work to me then fine, but I'm promising people aren't going to understand, and they're going to be making jokes about it for centuries.. "That y eh.. vowel or consonant? Nudge nudge nudge" "Yeah that's a tricky one isn't it? Wink wink wink".. if you want me to be the but of everyones jokes then fine, but I'm telling you all now I won't forget this..

Anyway, it went on like this awhile longer with Y complaining and the others assuring Y that everything would be ok. And for a few centuries it was ok, as Y said it became the but of everyones jokes with nobody really being sure what it was supposed to be and although Y tried several times to get the other to reconsider, they said that as everything was already in place and people had become used to the way it was (even if they didn't understand it), they couldn't change things now.

As technology improved however, people were able to communicate in ways they never had before. The handwritten letter and the personal touch went out the window as this was all taken over by the far less personal text messaging and email. People saw these new technologies as an excuse to get lazy.. words like "aren't" became "RNT".. "envious" became "NVS".. "see you later" became "cya l8r" and "laughing out loud" became "lol"..

Nobody questioned it and everybody understood what these things meant. That was just the way it was. But as much of a travesty these brutal attacks on the english language were, they are not the topic in this next conversation. The next conversation, as you will see, was a debate once again, where the letter Y felt it was overworked after now being given the workload of being the whole word "why"

Y: Now do you guys think I am overworked? Not only am I have to do vowel and consonant work, I've been given the job of being a whole word to myself as well

I: Big deal, I've been a word of my own since this whole language began

A: Me too, and you don't hear us complaining

Y: Yeah but those are one letter words, that is the way it was intended. I've been given the job of a three letter word without even being consulted.. the all round laziness of the human race made that decision for me.. and you know I, they haven't even started saying "eye" as "i" yet.. e and myself still have that job.

S: So what would you like us to do? It's not like we made this decision.. as you said, it was the laziness of the people that have done it, and it's not something we can control.

8: Y's right though. There must be something we should do. I mean, I shouldn't even be here.. I'm a number for christ's sake

B: What can we do though? We don't control them. We gave ourselves to them as a tool for communication a long time ago, and now that their methods of communication have improved they're able to do with us as they wish.

Y: Well I still don't think it's fair. I'm now a consonant, a vowel, a word and a question.. and not only do you guys not appreciate that, people don't appreciate it either. It just gives them more excuses to mock me because now it's even harder for them to work out what I'm supposed to be, even if this is wholy due to their own recent creations and original ignorance.

M: We do appreciate it man, we know you got it hard.. but hey.. like.. there's nothing we can do, right? Like.. I mean.. even if we wanted to.. which.. like.. I swear we do and all.. but.. right?.. like.. what can we do to help and all you know what I'm saying? Cos.. right.. even if we wanted to change the language and all.. it is now what is is and people will just keep using it that way..

P: M's right, we're not to blame, people are to blame. All we did was hand out original designations which we were all happy with and over time, they have raped and destroyed what we agreed on for their own benefit. But hey, that's what they do and there's nothing we can do about it, except, to say we're sorry and we feel your pain..

Y: You're right.. I know you are.. and I know you do appreciate the work I do, it's just.. well.. sometimes it all gets a bit much you know? And I'm sorry about all that but I guess I just needed to hear you say how much you appreciated what I do.. and I'll try not to let it happen again, I promise.

I: And if I could turn back time and take on those few extra words you wanted me to, I would. But I can't, and so until people find their appreaciation for the english language again, this is how it's got to be I'm afraid.

Anyway, I guess we should probably end the transcipt there. Not much happened after this point except for a brief letter orgy, but if that's your thing, buy some alphabet soup.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

AJs First Birthday Party (AKA My 25th Birthday)

Today, I spent the day at my nieces first birthday party and it was a nice day. Couldn't think of a better way to spend my 25th than with my niece who I hardly ever see.

I was quite proud of the card I picked out though, it had a picture of a pig on the front saying "Happy birthday" then inside it said "Time to HOG all of the attention". And she did, my birthday was overlooked and the focus was on her, and I couldn't be happier. I've never been one for being the centre of attention anyway, and the fact people wanted to acknowledge by birthday every year drove me mad.

Present time was of course the highlight. It was funny watching her open her present to see a new toy and be excited, only to have that toy whisked from under her nose and replaced with another present. It was also a bit sad. But at the end of it all, she was happy. And being a one year old she was much happier playing with the paper than with any of her new toys. And not even all of the paper, she got a piece of paper about 3 inches long out of the metres that were rolled out, and clung to that for dear life for about half an hour. She would be happy to play with a balloon or something with the other hand, so long as she could have her piece of paper.

Her favourite of her new toys was a ride on thing that plays music that my parents got her. The kids put her on it and started pushing her around, and as they were leaving the living room she stopped, gave me her precious piece of paper (I was of course, the only one who could be trusted with something so sacred) and away they went. My repeated efforts to give her back her piece of paper during the rest of the afternoon failed. Apparently it wasn't given to me because I could be trusted with it, it was given to me because it was now rubbish, and I looked like I might be in to that kind of thing.

I won't go into the downs of the day, I will remain upbeat about it and only remember the positives. And as a side note, my parents got me series one and two of Dexter for my birthday. I love that show.

I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful?
Tool- Reflection

Wedding bells

I sit here, loyal readers,on the stroke of midnight, on this, the anniversary of my birth to bring you stories. Why? Because I am just that damn dedicated to entertaining you all and placating my own ego.

Today, two friends of mine (if you could call people you see twice a year friends) were married.

Being the atheist that I am and wanting very little to do with religion, and being that the ceremony at the church was incredibly god oriented, you can imagine how bored I was for the 45 minutes that whole thing took. (Yup, running through my head was Da-da-da-da-da HEY da-da-da-da) I have nothing against people who are religious, that's great and that is your right, but if you didn't like football and I got married at half time of a match, wouldn't you be kind of pissed?

The wedding was one of the ones that had it's sing-a-long elements, as were were all given a book to follow and had to respond to the ALL parts as the ceremony reached certain points (are they all like that? I don't know. Certainly both the ones I've been to have been) Anyway, the highlight of the ceremony for me was near the end we reached an ALL - Amen.. and nobody said Amen. The priest looked around and said "Amen *gestures to us to respond- gets no response*... allright"

The other highlight was the priest kept posing whenever cameras were around. I guess the dude needs to update his Facebook picture.

Oh, and of course the real highlight was the beautiful bride bouncing down the aisle grinning from ear to ear. She always had an amazing smile, and it was out in full force today.

After the ceremony we had two hours to kill before the reception. What do we do? We go to McDonalds. This children, would come back to bite us in the ass. After McDonalds we went back to my friends place and watch a 90s dance music count down.. I swear so many of the songs in the top 50 dance songs of the 90s would also be in my bottom 50 songs of the 90s.

Reception time rolls around and we're off to the Woolshed. I have made specific note to mention the location of the reception, and as I continue, you will see why.

I, as always, was seated at what I like to call the "freaks table", and, like always, all of the candles on our table burnt out before too long leaving us to spend the rest of the evening in darkness so the normals wouldn't have to look at us.

We met a nice guy who was also on our table, and his bitch of a wife, and I also caught up with a few people who I haven't seen in a few years. So far, so good, right?

The entree is served and it is some raw lamb with some random, disgusting vegetables, again some of which were not cooked properly, thrown together in a random order which really did not look very appealing at all. Strike one. Sure I had second hand mascara on my cheek, chin, lips and tongue (and heads and shoulders, knees and toes) at this point, which did affect my sense of taste, but I could tell by the general grumblings at the table that I was not the only one who thought the meal was sub-par.

The main course is served. This is where the evening picked up a little bit. See, bitch girl is eating her meal and all of a sudden a look of horror goes accross her face. She sits back in her seat and clasps her mouth with her hands looking at her plate and starts whispering to hubby (she wouldn't talk to the rest of us and didn't want us talking to her.) She then runs off to the bathroom and hubby explains there is a dead cockroach in her food. Strike two for the Woolshed. Hell, take strike three, four and five as well for that one. That is unacceptable.

Anyhow, can I add before continuing that what happened next only happened because of the way we were treated by this girl, and had she been decent to us we may have felt some sympathy, but alas, there was none. When she returned to the table she copped a lot from us, and her husband even got in on the act. After this point, not only was she not talking to us, she wasn't talking to him either, and when the waitress came over to apologise to her, she just rolled her eyes and looked the other way. That's the type of girl we are dealing with here.

(I have just received and responded to a message from D*, she can verify the time this blog was written)

Sure, we may have said some dirty and inappropriate things at the table, but this is Australia honey, that's how we roll. (If people would like me to elaborate on dirty and inappropriate things, I will another time, just ask) Besides, your husband was enjoying himself.

Speaking of dirty and inappropriate, the best man's speech. Now be warned out there good reader, if you ask me to be your best man at a wedding, I will steal this line from one Tom Curnow...

"I'm a man of few words so I will keep this short. This is probably going to be an uncomfortable two minutes for Manny but Mariannes uncomfortable two minutes will come later... courtesy of Manny"

Being that I usually try to end on a quote.. I think that one will do nicely. Have a nice day!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Tagged! v 2.0

I was trying to decide on a topic for a blog this even, when I was suddenly tagged by Badriyyah and asked to list some of my perfect blends, so here we go...

1. Music + driving = perfect way to relax
2. Rain + tin roof = perfect way to pass a Sunday afternoon
3. Good sense of humor + talkative = perfect client
4. Ipod + walking = perfect way to get around town
5. Niece + smiling = perfect way to spend my birthday
6. Ham + pineapple = perfect topping for a pizza
7. "Dead Like Me" DVD + Bacon & Eggs = perfect way to start the day
8. Book + bed = perfect way to wind down before sleep
9. Xbox + milo = perfect way to spend a lunch break
10. Home + alone = perfect holiday destination
11. Millionaire + death bed = perfect wife (it had to be said :p)

I now tag D* and Natalie Ruth to put together some of their perfect blends.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The best laid plans

I arrived at work this morning with two files on my desk. Things are starting to slow down before Christmas and I was looking forward to getting a good deal of these jobs done today as they have been sitting there for awhile, and due to some of our bigger clients being incredibly demanding, I just haven't had the time to reach these two jobs.

That was ten to nine.

And five to nine the phone rang. It was a coworker of mine (let's call her Susan) and she wanted to speak to me.

"Hi Susan, how are you?"
"Not good, I won't be in today and probably not for the rest of the week"
"Oh damn, that's a shame, I hope it's nothing to serious"
"No, I'll be fine. Just need a few days bed rest the doctor said"
"Well hopefully you get well soon"
"Thanks, anyway, I'm calling to ask if you could do the wages for me"
"Yeah sure, I'll do that"
"Thanks, I'll see you when I'm better"
"Ok, bye"

Yes, other than her it's only old muggins here who knows how to do these wages. And it's a two day job.

So, I put the two neglected jobs aside for another few days and moved across to Susan's desk for easy access to all of the necessary files and paperwork, smiled, and sunk my teeth in.

That was nine o'clock.

At eleven my boss comes out to me.

"Can you do me a favour?"
"Sure, what do you need?"
"We've got this job ready for the auditors, but can you take a look at this for me, I think we might need to change it"
"Ok, I'm just working on these wages now.."
"That's ok, there's no rush, but the auditors will be here first thing tomorrow"
"Super, it'll be done by then"

For some reason, I was the only one who could be trusted with that job as well.

And so, I left work today with two files on my desk, and after arriving early tomorrow, I bet the same two files will be there at the end of the day (probably with four or five more urgent jobs)

Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face, I say,
Have A Nice Day.
- Bon Jovi ("Have a Nice Day")

Sunday, November 9, 2008


I was going to write a blog about my weekend, but after having a read through another blog I found this week ("Life, through my eyes") I realised, that like the author of that blog, I too will shortly be a year older.

Sound like an achievement? Well, it's not really, is it? All I've managed to do is not die for 25 years, and the first 25 years of your life are the easiest 25 to survive one would assume.

Twenty five feels like an eternity away. I still see myself as early twenties but now there's no denying, I'm mid twenties and heading rapidly towards late twenties. And then... dare I say.. thirties. But in one short week, 25 becomes a reality.

So I take this opportunity now, to look back at my life and see at various stages throughout where I thought I would be come this milestone.

At age five, I'm not sure where I thought I'd be. I imagine it changed from week to week, from one impossible dream to the next. One week a movie star, the next an astronaut, the next a caterpillar. Needless to say, I have accomplished none of those things.

Age ten, I think I would have dreamed of being a professional sports person of some sort. I played junior sport all year around, and I thought if I stuck with it one day I would make it. I would have thought twenty five is incredibly old, and by that age one should be married and have a few children. Again, I have accomplished none of these things (and, none of them are anywhere on the horizon.)

Fifteen now and starting to learn the harsh realities of life. I was dropping out of sports teams left and right as I realised I was not athletically gifted, and I would be relying on my brain from here on out. I would have seen myself working in an office at a big city firm, not really being sure what people in those offices do, but again thinking by 25 I would probably be married and have children.

At twenty I would have thought by 25 I would almost be finished my CPA, again probably working in a big city building, however by this age I realised marriage and kids, probably not for me.

And here I sit, a week short of 25. Living alone. Single. Almost finished my CPA but working in a small country firm. Achieving very little of what I thought I could accomplish during my early years, because as I'm sure we're all aware, life has a way of crushing our dreams.

But as I sit here now, I ask myself if I'm happy with where I am. And do you know what? I really am. I wouldn't trade my job now for any of that big city money. I don't think I could deal with coming home every night to a wife and children (or even a flatmate and a cat for that matter). And I know I couldn't deal with the fame and publicity that comes with being a professional athlete in this country.

So whilst I don't think I will achieve any more of my goals by the time I reach twenty five, I don't really want to either.

"Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing." - Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, November 7, 2008

Tagged! v 1.0

I have been tagged by the delicious D* and now must complete this survey thing. Enjoy!

1. Were you named after anyone?
Nope, I'm not living in anyone's shadow. But one day, I'll bet there's plenty of little ones named after me.

2. Do you still have your tonsils?
Last time I checked, yes.

3. Would you bungee jump?
I think I would, if someone else arranged it for me, paid for it and transported me there. It's not fear that's holding me back, it's laziness.

4. What is your favorite cereal?
I'm not really a cereal kind of guy, but when I do eat cereal because I have plenty of milk left and 2 days before it expires then it's Weet Bix.

5. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Yes, my feet are far too fat not to. But when I do get out of them, I leave throw them haphazardly on the floor.

6. What is your favorite ice cream?
Chocolate. Or mint-chocolate. Or if I go to Cold Rock, Vanilla, with nothing in it. They remember me there, and they love me there. But then, people love me wherever I go.

7. What is the first thing you notice about people?
I can't say I notice anything in particular.

8. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I'm under appreciated.

9. What was the last thing you ate?
A museli bar, my usual after work snack. Who doesn't love routine?

10. What are you listening to right now?
Rain. There's nothing like sitting in the quiet listening to the rain on the roof.

11. Last movie you watched?
"A Little Trip to Heaven" I think it was called. Not the kind of movie I would normally go for but my brother leant it to me and insisted I watch it. It wasn't half bad actually.

12. What did you dream about last night?
Last night? I don't remember. A recent dream I've had however is one of the guys from work was leaving to start business across the road (which is actually train tracks, but in my dream there were businesses there) and he was offering me shitloads more to come and work for him, and I was faced with the dilemma of being loyal to my boss or taking the money.

I'm a Scorpio. I stayed put.

13. What book are you reading?
"The Lizard's Bite" It's ok except it's set in Italy so everyone has weird ass names and I can't remembere who is who.

14. Summer or winter?
Winter. Summer sucks.

15. Do you have any special talents?
I can get by just upon a smile.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Learning the ropes

After some help from the goregous D* I have found some interesting blogs out there. I don't know what it is about the blog, but I do enjoy reading about other peoples lives. But then I don't watch the news, because, as I have said to anyone who can't believe I don't watch the news "It's just a bunch of people I don't know doing things I don't care about"

That being the case, why then, do I enjoy reading the cyber-tales of people from all around the world?

Maybe it's the "seediness" of it all. Taking a look into the lives of people you don't know and who know nothing about you. To get that sort of look into a persons life 15 years ago you'd have to do it through a telescope, but these days the internet makes everything so accessible.

But I think it's probably because the blogs I enjoy reading are the ones with stories that I can relate to. It's good to read about people from another country or just up the road who think the way you do, who feel the way you do and who are going through the same problems you're going through.

Or maybe they think completely differently to you, and are going through problems that you'll never experience, but it's still interesting to get another point of view.

Now I am up and running, I should be right in my next blog to start telling some stories from my own life. In the meantime, I'll leave you with the quote that inspired the title for this blog.

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back,
A name in your recollection
Thrown down among a million same.

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When i've looked right through to see you naked and oblivious
And you don't see me.

A Perfect Circle- 3 Libras

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

n00b bu5in355

I'm still new here, and haven't work out how anything works or what anything does. However, as today is a public holiday in the great state of Victoria (you wish you were us), I have decided to experiment a bit with a few features.

So far, I have found the "New Post" button. Pretty self explanitory I think, and a button I hope to use again in the future.

I can also see all of the blogs written by the one person I am subscribed to so far. Again, very handy. (How do I find other blogs to subscribe to? I don't know. That might come later.)

The Help center. Had a bit of a play with that. All it managed to help me do was become more confused. That is why nobody likes instruction manuals- know all documents that only manage to frustrate people.

Mobile blogging? Not interested. Move along.

The features menu. Perhaps I should have started here.
No, that proved less than useful. I vote that "features" gets renamed "promotion"- all it did was crap on about how great this site is.

*Temporary lost due to clicking a link that lead me astray. Finally managed to work my way back*

And that seems to be all I can find on this site. There must be more, but I feel I have explored enough today. The first stage is getting my shit out there for others to read, stage two is learning how to read others peoples shit.
(Side note : When will there be psychics who read shit instead of palms?)

Well, that's it for my first original blog. Short and sweet. I hope you weren't as confused as I am.

PS: The public holiday we got today was for a horse race. At the final turn the horse I picked was coming second behind some loser horse that was like 51/1 to win the race, and my adrenaline started pumping. They were two lengths in front of the rest of the field, it was looking good. My horse finished like 6th. I hope they turn it into glue.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Girl at the Place Where I Pay My Rent

Because I am incredibly lazy, I will from time to time post some of my favourite blogs from old sites here rather than write all new blogs. This at the time I wrote it, was enjoyed by most who read it. I hope you enjoy it too.

Every two weeks on a Thursday afternoon during my lunch hour, I stroll up the street and pay my rent for that fortnight. Usually I am greeted by the same girl, who of course needed my name each time I made my payment in order to fill out the receipt.

After three or four lunch hour journeys to pay my rent, the young lady had my name memorised and it felt sort of weird, as I didn't know her name. Each time I walked in to the office she would greet me with a smile and a "Hi Joe!" (my name is not actually Joe for those of you who don't know.. this is an alias I am providing in order to conecal my identity from the Internet stalkers.. yeah that's right.. I'm stalkable.. trust me.. don't laugh..) and all I could say in reply was "Ahh.. yeah.. hi"

This grew even more uncomfortable when I would see her in the street, and she would smile and "Hi Joe" and all I could reply with was "Yeah, how's it going?" So perplexed was I by this situation, I even considered asking her her name just so I know.. but that also felt a little weird considering she's known my name for like 4 months now and I have no idea what her's is. Besides, just asking is no fun. It takes all the thrill out of knowing away. It's all about tactics, planning, and the ability to think on your feet.

And then today came. The second Thursday.. my rent was due. I walked into the office per usual and was greeted with the smile and the "Hi Joe!" to which I replied with my customary "Hey, how's it going?" and went through the motions that we have down to a fine art.

She pulled out the receipt book and prepared the receipt

I got my hard earned but soon to be departed with money out of my wallet

Small talk small talk small talk

She goes to hand the receipt over to me as I go to hand the money over to her

The phone rings...

I pull back the money and smilie and say "You better get that.."

She gives me a weird look and picks up the phone..

"Hello, XYZ and associates, Jane speaking" (again, the company is not really named XYZ and associates and her name was not really Jane.. the actuals names are not an important part of what happened and therefore have been replaced in order to minimise stalkers).. I smiled.. I finally got her..

She finished her phone call and we went back to where we were (although she was somewhat more confused than before). She handed me the receipt, I handed her the cash.

"Seeya next time Joe"

"Seeya Jane"

The look of confusion returns to her face and then the whole scenario clicks in her head. She realised that everything I had done had been for a reason and she finally realised what everbody
else needs to learn...

You can't beat me. Ever. In the long run I will always get the information I desire through whatever means possible. Remember that loyal readers, and in future just don't even bother trying...