Saturday, March 28, 2009
Today my dad turns 50. Quite an accomplishment.. you know, with the whole "not dying yet" and everything. Good on him.
Yesterday at quarter to five I received a text that looked an awful lot like this from my mother:
"On our way back from funeral, will call in and have take away with you, about 30 mins away"
My thought sequence went something like this over the next 10 seconds..
Awesome! I don't have to cook tonight.
I forgot the funeral was today. I wonder if my grandparents went?
Shit! Dad's birthday presents are scattered about my table. I have to hurry home and do something about that!
Normally I'm all up for having a chat with coworkers after work. But yesterday I quickly excused myself and tended to my immediate problem.
Because I live an hour away from them I thought it would be safe to leave this stuff laying about until I was ready to get off my ass and wrap it. In my defence, it had only been there for about 3 days.
I was lucky I was too tired to walk back to work after lunch yesterday afternoon so I drove in. It allowed for a much speedier getaway.. after I was able to get away from one particular coworker who heard my story and decided this would be a good time to have a chat about what I had got him, what we were doing for his birthday and so on.
I did manage to get home and get the presents in the bottom of the cupboard before their arrival. And I only just noticed as I was opening the door that I had left the receipt on the table, so it took so slight of hand as I was walking back to the chair to get that into my pocket.
And then I got a scolding from my mother for not taking the time to reply to her text message. She's so proud of herself for being able to text, and when she does she tends to get ignored.
Sorry mum! Had other things on my mind. I'm sure I'll tell you all about it today.
What am I apologizing to you here for? You don't read this.
Because I want to look like a lovely person in front of my blogging peeps. That's why.
Anyway, he also went in for his "pre 50th birthday check up" that our generous Government pays for to keep our older Australias fit, healthy and working. They don't want us all living on the pension.
One of the recommendations on the list was..
- continue not smoking
That's great. That makes sense. But there's a whole lot of other things he's not doing which are beneficial to his health that you could put on that list.
- continue not jamming forks into electric sockets
- continue not hitting on bikers girlfriends
- on that subject, continue not picking fights with people bigger than you
- continue not drinking your own urine. I hear once is okay, but any more than that and you're in trouble. I'm really not sure about other peoples urine. I'll look that up.
- continue not burying yourself naked in the snow.
- continue not falling great distances
- continue not slamming your head into break walls
- continue not driving 180 km/h on the wrong side of the freeway
- continue not jamming sharp objects into your eyes, liver, lungs or heart
- continue not jumping head first through glass
You can see how the list works. Do any of you have other ideas for things that could go there?
Anyway, I think for my personal health and wellbeing, I'll continue making sure dad doesn't see I've tracked down this song on his birthday...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It seems I have mounted another few awards since the last ceremony. So, without rambling on, let's get this show started.
Both ChinkyGirLMeL and Thrice awarded me the Kreativ Blogger Award on the same day last week (and then Stephanie awarded it to me as I was drafting this post). I must have been doing something extra creative.. what was I up to again? Oh, that's right! Plotting to kill my neighbours. Well, I'm glad you girls enjoy a little violence with your blogging.
Now, Mel in particular put me under a lot of pressure when giving me this award. She said.. and I quote.. "He's very twisted! Lols! He likes to add a twist in memes and awards.".. SO now I have to put my own little twist on this so as not to disappoint the one of the generous givers of the award in the first place (althought I'm failing to think of anything creative this time.. when I get the creative award.. how unfortunate).
Here are the award rules: List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!
7 - I love the new intern, Denise, on Scrubs. If she were a real person, I may just give up my asexual ways for her and her "girl balls". I fell in love with her when she said her patients disease was "kind of a buzzkill"
6 - I love pizza. I could eat that all day and never feel full.
5 - I love the sharemarket. It's interesting to watch what sets people into a panic, what brings back their confidence and the different reports from different companies and what they do to the share price.
4 - I love music. I remember having to play the guitar for a high school assignment and the teacher saying I have a gift for it, but I never took it up. And then we had some other test thing a few years later and the teacher said I had an ear for music and would find playing an instrument easy and wanted me in the band, but I never did it. I couldn't be bothered.
3 - As strange as it sounds, I love spinning into Matt. It's interesting to have a whole new thought process, a whole new outlook and to feel that sort of emotion to its fullest.
2 - I love seeing celebrities who have it all fuck up and walk away with nothing. I think of it as a case of "easy come, easy go"
1 - I love ... number one can wait. I will unveil it with my 100th blog. Something has happened I thought would never happen. I've fallen in love, and posting things I love felt like a good place to share that news with you. (And I know some of you considered me a tease for playing games and not sharing a picture so far.. I think you will probably be pissed with waiting 5 or so weeks for this as well)
Now to pass this on to seven other bloggers.
Sameera - Everyday is a little life!
Badriyyah - Life, through my eyes...
OmegaRadium- Differential Diagnosis
Vanessa- BellelettristAlafolie - Story of O
Bored housewife - the tragic character
Mel gave me another award in the same post (although she did give away a third award that day. The "Honest Scrap" award which I didn't get.. yes Mel.. I noticed =p I know where I stand now, good for 2 out of every three awards that people are giving away. )
Anyway, the one I did get was The Friend award
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
So, I have decided to pass this one on to these friendly blogging types:
Thrice - From the STUPIDEST corner of my mind
Hillbilly Duhn- Hillbilly Duhn's Times & Tribulations
KathyB! - the world according to me
Stephanie - Breathing up the Oxygen
Krystal - Friends with benefits
Random Hiccups- Slave to the Ordinary
Well, I can't think of any more than that without doubling up (and without giving it to Mel who gave it to me or insomniaclolita who won the awards when I did)
Finally, awhile ago I was given the Cute award (also by Mel) and at the time, I didn't realise there was a task that comes with it. Sameera gave me the award again this week, and it turns out I'm suppose to list 10 things that make me cute. So here we go:
10 - My winning smile
9- My charm
8- The way I walk
7- The way I talk
6- My kind spirit (most of the time.. quite a lot of the time..)
5- Your mum will think I'm great
4- I am that innocent
3- I will work hard to make you smile
2- As a coworker so often puts it, I really am "the last of the true gentlemen"
1- The fact that you all keep returning
I reward this award to everyone who got it last time so they can also correct the error of their ways, as well as insomniaclolita because her new layout is fantastic.
Shotgun Betty stoppin' dead in my shoes.
Cock on lockdown, she said learn the damn alphabet.
I come before you, get to payin' your dues.
Head down through the town diggin on this puscifer,
Tongue roll call, kids hear the school bell ring.
This vagina mine teach ya patient diligence.
Keep the chain-gang swingin, make a cat-bird sing.
Down this vagina mine...
Puscifer- Vagina Mine
And in case you're wondering what song called "Vagina Mine" sounds like..
Monday, March 23, 2009
Well, the driver failed so we have another negative outcome to our game.
He crashed his car during the practice session and had to have it rebuilt in 3 hours before the race. Then, he started from the back of the grid and kept having problems with the car all day because it was rebuilt so quickly and not tested.
That's motorsport, it's not my fault.. honest.. please don't hurt me, I've already had one virtual ass kicking*, I don't think I could handle another..
And so, you don't get to see me this time. But, I do get to award myself something I saw on someecards.com (because none of you were ever going to do it)
Personally, when I see someone with triple-digits friends I roll my eyes.
When I see someone with less than 20 friends I feel sorry for them.
So, if you have anywhere between 20 and 99 Facebook friends, congratulations. It may not be a picture of me, but it is a nice little runner up prize.
And if you don't have between 20 and 99 friends, you get nothing today. Sucks to be you.
*If you go to the virtual ass kicking post, you might need to go to the comments for the full story.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Any night of the week, my neighbours can throw a party and make plenty of noise into the night.
I'm not the only one who's had enough of it.
I can hear them in the backyard, talking and laughing. I hate the noise.
I know nobody could hear them scream over the music. Even if someone did hear, they've probably had enough of it too and would help me dispose of the bodies.
Then we'd create our alibis. We'd form a powerful bond and our lives would be intertwined forever.
I could wait inside the house. In the bathroom. Pick them off one by one.
I wonder if it would be more satisfying to feel their life slip from their body as I choke the life out of them, or if it would be better to grab a knife on the way out and watch the blood ooze out of their bodies.
And then I remember it's cold outside.
And I am already in bed.
I turn the fan on to drown out the noise, roll over and go to sleep.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I had one such client come in on Friday, and from the two coworkers who dealt with her (the first one didn't know how to use the appointment book, which is in the computer system, and everyone was at lunch or busy) and my boss who heard most of the goings on, I have pieced together what I can of each of their conversations and made up the rest in a way that I think is rather amusing and I hope you think so too.
You will see that my two coworkers have quite a sense of humor, and don't mind displaying it even if it drives a client out the door.
M = Male coworker
F = Female coworker
P = Potential client
S = Me!
P: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment to see S next week.
M: Have you been here before?
P: No, but my friend was here last week and she said he's good.
M: Well your friend's a liar. He's not very good. He's a horrible, mean spirited little boy.
P: But is he good at doing returns?
M: Oh yeah definately. I think that's why he thinks he can get away with being horrible. He's good at what he does so we can't get rid of him.
P: Well as long as he can get me a good refund I don't care if he burns down orphanages in his spare time.
M: Okay, well I'll get someone to help you in a minute. I'm not sure how to put an appointment into the book.
F: M, do you need some help up there?
M: Yes please if you could. She just wants to make an appointment to see S, I don't know why, I've told her he's a horrible person.
F: Okay, have you been here before? (they need to know whether there is an old file to come out)
P: No I haven't, but my friend saw him last week and said he's good.
F: Good as in good at his job or good as in cute? Because I find him quite cute.
P: No he got her a good refund. I don't care if he's 105 with disgusting hair growing from his nose and ears and spots all over his wrinkly face.
F: Well I'm sure he'll work hard to get you a good refund as well.
Anyway, the story probably got boring after that point. I just thought I'd share a story with you all so you get some insight into my workplace, what sort of a coworker I am.. and of course the story is pretty good for my ego.
Another thing that was good for me is a blog entry Badriyyah posted which I read this morning, and lifted my spirits when I was feeling incredibly down. Thank you Badriyyah. I couldn't quite find a card as perfect as the one you found (though it is in a similar vein), but I would like to return the favour.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Then I realised I wasn't at my parents. I'm at home. I live alone. There's nobody else here. No animals. It's just me. That of course begs the question, "Who is kicking my seat?"
I didn't even bother to turn around. I knew there would be nobody there. I just sat there, vibrating momentarily, and wondering what was going on. Then I heard the washing machine, and remembered I had a load in. "Wow, that washing machine is out of control tonight. I know it shakes pretty badly sometimes, but it's violent enough that I'm feeling it out here"
Not concerned, I let the washing machine do its thing and continued to be enthralled in the game.
About an hour later one of the commentators mentioned and Earthquake in Melbourne (about 100kms south of here) which measured 4.7 on the Richter scale. It's a good thing they said something, otherwise I would have turned up to work on Monday going "What Earthquake? Oh, so THAT'S what that was!"
Maybe my washing machine is okay after all.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
"My side of the family," my mother said to me "arrived here from England." She told me how many generations ago it was. She told me one branch of my grandfathers family, when they arrived, decided to remove the "e" from their surname to disassociate themselves from the others. She told me about some of the struggles they faced along the way.
"Your fathers side, you should know better than anyone. We named you Scott as a tribute to your heritage. His side of the family came from Scotland"
Now, my dear sweet father, he is a man of few words. He is usually quite happy to let my mum do all the talking, and he will sit quietly in a corner and mind his own business. On this particular Saturday afternoon however, he couldn't resist the urge to speak up.
"My family came from Ireland" a voice from the corner of the room said.
Time paused for a moment, as my mother reflected on what was happening. You could see in her eyes, she was thinking about everything she had done to her eldest son.
She had taken away Pierce Brosnan and given me Sean Connery.
She had taken away Dublin and given me Edinburgh.
She had taken away potatoes and given me haggis.
My name, which my mother had intended as a tribute for those who came before me, is now her own private shame. She makes it her business to know her family's business, but in this instance she let herself down.
Now, every time my mother says my name, she'll die a little inside as she relives her grandest mistake.
And as for me, well a famous frog once said it's not easy being green, but it's damn near impossible when your mother and even your name which has become the cross you bear deny you your Irish blood.
PS If you want to check out my skills as a photographer using only a webcam, check out my friend Thrice's blog. Have a read while you're there too.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Earlier this week I showed you all how much I enjoy a good game of chance. I offered you the chance to see a picture of me in a hat, if my football team could get over the line and win their way to the Grand Final of the pre-season cup.
This would be our first game.
I know some of you have been hoping that you should win your prize, either to see me for the first time or to mock me in my hat. I know many others couldn't care less one way or the other.
Both sides lined up with a few of their quality players sittng in the stands, beacuse nobody really takes the preseason competition all that seriously, and if a player is "a bit sore" they won't risk him suffering a serious injury.
Anyway, the result was:
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I remember loving this song when I was younger. But it was only when it was bought up again on an Australia musical trivia / comedy show and I heard it for the first time in years, that I realised (well.. they told me.. but I would have worked it out on my own this time around) what it was about.
It was released in about 1994, so I would have been 9 or 10 at the time. I was innocent then. How was I to know where she was going or what she was going to do when she got there? I just thought it was a fun song and enjoyed spinning in circles.
But now the song is back in my life, now I know what it's about. Now I love it even more.
Anyway, this is the conversation between Adam Hill, Max Sharam, Myf Warhurst, Alan Brough and John Wood which has a nice little piece of wisdom I feel we can all take something from.
Adam: Basically that song is about being a stalker isn't it?
Max: It could be just um, an unnannounced visit
Myf: That's called a drop in, it sounds a bit worse than a drop in though
Adam: Yeah, I think it's the line "better pull your blinds down"
Max: But she's giving the person warning
Adam: You're a polite stalker
Alan: Yeah but spinning around in what appeared to be a carpark is not the best place to give a person warning
Max: God, you're all so anti-stalking and everything you lot
Alan: Oh no, I don't, you know..
Adam: Alan's quite pro stalker
Alan: I mean, I don't encourage it.. well.. not publicly..
John: People don't encourage it in him
Alan: No, well, they don't encourage it in me. And it's also difficult to be a stalker when you're my size. I reckon your compact folk get away with stalking much better.
Yes, there it is. The compact folk get away with stalking much better. That's something we should all remember as we climb out of bed each morning.
I should also remind you all that our little game takes place tomorrow night, so let's hope for a positive result.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I have been sitting on two awards for awhile. One for a month, one for about two weeks. I know, I'm wonderful, and I'm so over awards *yawn* (just joking, awards are great, they make me feel loved)
One is for being fabulous, the other for being cute. So I ask you this my pets, which would you rather be? Fabulous, or cute? Well, luckily for you, you don't get to decide. I do. So here we go...
Award #1 - Fabulous!
I received this award from Thrice of "From the STUPIDEST corner of my mind..." a month ago. Yes, I've been keeping it to myself ever since. Selfishly clinging to it in a desperate attempt to feel important. To spice things up a bit (nothing is ever for free) recipients are supposed to list 5 addictions, so here we go (I doubt there'll be many surprises here)
* The music of Maynard James Keenan. Whether it be Tool, A Perfect Circle or Puscifer, the man is talented and his music always makes me happy. The lyrics especially are a work of genius.* My niece AJ's smile. Whenever she's around I work so hard to make her smile or laugh. A story from last time I saw her, I was piggybacking her around my parents back yard but, because my weight is still slowly disappearing, my pants were very loose and falling down (they don't have belt loops) I emptied my pockets on top of a cabinet just out of her reach and went and got one of her balls. She wasn't interested in that, she was standing by the cabinet pointing to the things I had left there.
So I picked her up where she could reach them. First my phone. She grabbed it from the cabinet, I put her down and she gave it back to me. Then my keys, same thing, she grabbed them and gave them back to me. Lastly my wallet.. although she wasn't giving that one back. She is smart, and she kept it.
* Reading. I love to read. It's interesting to journey through the different worlds as the words escape the page and enter my mind.
* The Essendon Football Club. Sure, I know most of you are probably thinking "Of course, a guy and sports." Well it's a tad different for me. For a long time I didn't care about sport. I think I mentioned in a previous post I stopped playing sport at a young age and I really didn't care about it, instead deciding to do well in my education. Dad stopped talking to me for years after I stopped playing sport.
But, it's because I've allowed to become interested in sport again and because Dad and I happen to support the same team and started going to games together that we were able to reconnect. If we didn't have that, we probably still wouldn't be talking.
* Dexter. You all knew it was coming. The TV show, the books, the man, I just can't get enough. I know some people don't get it and only see the "capital punishment" (which it totally isn't.. capital punishment requires the criminal to be convicted of an offence, Dexter kills people who managed to slip through the holes of the legal system and makes sure they get the punishment they're due) side of the show. Well, if they were willing to look a little deeper, they might see something they enjoy.
Now it's time to give this award to five other fabulous bloggers.
Badriyyah- Life through my eyes...
OmegaRadium- Differential Diagnosis
ChinkyGirLMeL- ChinkyMel's Corner
Kathy B! - the world according to me
Hillbilly Duhn- Hillbilly Duhn's Times & Tribulations
Missed out that time? Maybe you'll have more luck with...
Award #2 - Cute!
ChinkyMel's corner gave me this award about two weeks ago due to my new super duper know you wish you had one just like it layout. This time the catch is.. wait.. there.. doesn't appear to be any catch?
So, I guess I'll just pass this one to five bloggers who either have an awesome layout (not quite as awesome as my own of course, that would be quite impossible) or an awesome banner (again, not as good as my own, but good nonetheless[and no I'm not letting these awards go to my head]) or post in a cute manner. So the five recipients of this award are...
D* - I'm having a moment...
Krystal- Friends with Benefits
Patti Ann- I love this city always
Alafolie- Story of O
yourstruly100- Everyday is a little life!!!
Some of you could have won both awards. Some who didn't get an award I left off because I've given them awards before and wanted to mix this up a little bit.
So congratulations to all of those who won awards, and to those who didn't, keep blogging away and you never know your luck in the bloggosphere.
Wake up son o' mine
Momma got somethin' to tell you
Life will have its way
With your pride, son
Take it like a man
Puscifer- Momma Sed
Monday, March 2, 2009
That's the SMS we received today. It was funny at work, at first only two of us got it and 4 missed out. The two that got it (me and the other guy) were quite pleased with ourselves, saying they must have sent it to us because we're worth saving. The girls said it's only because we have criminal records, and the police knew how to contact us. Then they started saying "I bet you get charged for that message. I bet it comes on your bill" Then they started receiving them, and their tune changed.
Winds are expected to hit over 150 km/h tomorrow and with fires still in progress around the state, firefighters are concerned not only the existing fires will burn out of control, but as the conditions will be similar to those on "Black Saturday" that a whole new series of fires may start.
Just when we were starting to think it was safe again.
Fire danger is measured based on a formula, which takes into account temperature, dryness, wind and various other factors. 50 is a dangerous number. 70 means there is little to no hope of fighting the fire. Two places in the state are over 300 tomorrow, and there are very few below 150. Even where my parents live, which was my evacuation point, is in the 150s.
It's been thoroughly debated though, what sort of warning to send out. "What happens if we warn everyone and nothing happens?" was the fire departments argument. That reminded me of something lecturer once said about workplace training.
"Employers often argue, what happens if we train people they and leave? I ask them, what happens if you don't train them and they stay?"
I guess it is this logic that lead to the above SMS being sent to 5,000,000 phones today. It's better to tell people and nothing happens, than it is to not warn people and a lot more lives are lost.
One of our clients are not opening their office tomorrow. I know this because they bought in all their payroll information they normally bring in on Tuesday's so that we can get their wages prepared and make sure they are paid on Wednesday. They have it all, safety, a day off and comfort in the fact they will be paid this week.
Anyway, it's just as likely nothing will happen tomorrow. It will be just another day. But I just wanted to throw out to the bloggosphere how times have changed, and for those that haven't dealt a lot with bushfires, a glimpse of what life is like from my perspective.
I'll leave you today with a story my grandfather told me on the weekend about his days as a fireman.
His firetruck wouldn't start and they were out in the bush with the fire moving towards them. Another fire brigade offered to tow them out, and so they tied the fire trucks together. They were going up the hill toward the road and the fire truck at the front was slowly, painfully making its way there. One of the firefighters in the front lost patience, took out his axe and cut the rope. The truck rolled backwards through fences and down the hill toward the river.
My grandmother heard on the car radio that they had lost contact with a Plenty fire truck, and ended up crashing the car with my mum and uncle inside.
The firefighters from my grandfathers truck all jumped in the river and survived. When the fire had passed, they walked back to the truck and it hadn't been burned at all, but around it had. They turned the keys, and the truck started.
Nobody ever admitted to being the firefighters in the other truck, even though they spoke to brigades from all over the state.
Anyway, on a more positive note I have some awards to give away sometime this week. Not only am I giving you the chance to win a reward in our little game and you stand no chance of losing anything, I'm also giving away awards. I'm so generous.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I want to play a game. The rules of the game are simple. Your role in the game is minimal. Your rewards from a positive outcome are varied. Your consequences from a negative outcome are none.
After the Essendon Football Club won their game on Friday night, they place themselves in the semi-finals of the pre-season competition. If they win this Friday night, they are into the Grand Final.
But that is their prize. That prize is not for you my pets. Your prize, should Essendon make the Grand Final, is I will post a picture of myself here, on this blog. wearing my Essendon cap.
Therefore, your rewards vary from:
- seeing a picture of me for the first time
- already seen a picture of me, don't care about a hat
- already seen a picture of me, know that my mother once remarked when I was wearing a cap "You know you really shouldn't wear hats. You have an odd shaped head as it is and a hat just makes your head look more like an egg", know that I haven't worn a cap since and have secretly wanted to see my humiliate myself this way.
The stakes might not be as high as if we were playing one of Jigsaw's games, but, well.. maybe next time.
Hello, Amanda. You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game. Here's what happens if you lose. The device you are wearing is hooked into your upper and lower jaw. When the timer in the back goes off, your mouth will be permanently ripped open. Think of it like a reverse bear trap. Here, I'll show you. [on videotape, a mannequin's head is destroyed by the device] There is only one key to open the device. It's in the stomach of your dead cell mate. Look around, Amanda. Know that I'm not lying. You better hurry up. Live or die. Make your choice.
- Jigsaw (Saw)