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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why Nudity Isn't the Point

Hello ScoFans!

It's a long weekend here, and rather than use some of the extra time to write something super special for you all, I've decided to take a bit of a break. Well actually, the opportunity for the break kind of presented itself last week when Jennee of Cheap Therapy left a comment that definitely needed further explanation. So I asked her to guest post in case somebody else saw the comment and wanted the full story.

Plus, I wanted to share another "Naked Man" tale with you all. The office tour has been done, maybe I'll do a "Naked Man" tour.
And THEN maybe we'll combine the two and do a "Naked Office" tour, where we all show up to our workplaces early strip down and wait for coworkers to arrive. Then we take photo's of their surprised face and write the tales of the experience on our blog. Plus then we could vlog the awkward conversation with our employers after the experience, but we'll make sure we're fully clothed by then. There is no place for nudity on the Internet.

Anyway, it's time for Jennee's naked man experience (I might add some notes in italics along the way)...

Why Nudity Isn’t The Point.

A naked man. I’ve seen a few. My personal favorite it the statue of David and there have been other times that I have enjoyed the site of God’s wonderful creation. And then, there have been other times that I would much rather pour acid in my eye balls and beg for blindness.

I have spent the past 2 years trying to forget about this incident that happened in my life, but Scoman promised me that he would pay for all the counseling that I need after admitting the story is true. So, into this tragic memory, I dive.

Miami is full of crazy people and desperate people. I was feeling a little desperate as I searched for an apartment or roommate. I had a week before I would be getting kicked out of my current residence because the family I was renting a room from just decided they wanted me out. My finances weren’t the greatest which limited the luxurious beach side apartment buildings and living alone.

Searching online, I found someone willing to rent out a bedroom. I inquired and learned that it was a single man looking for a roommate. Like I said, I was desperate and agreed to meet with him. I met Carlos after work one evening. I should have known better, going to his apartment after 10:00pm, but I was in a crunch.

Carlos opened the door to his apartment. He looked like he might be going to the gym later. His shorts and t-shirt are about two sizes to big. Yeah, he thought he was cool. Most men are dirty (they are? I didn't even realise we had that option!) and Carlos was one of them. I wanted to bleach his apartment and sweep the floors. I had only seen the kitchen and was ready to explore the rest of the place.

We part from the kitchen to an 6x8 room. This was what he was offering to me for a room. I grinned, realizing that I wouldn’t have a door and that this room was just outside of his bedroom. The bathroom, that we would share, was through his bedroom (who designed this place?).

I told Carlos that the room is much smaller than I was hoping and wondered where I would store my furniture…and clothes. He suggested that we share a closet that was already filled with his crap. “I don’t know, I mean, I’m in a crunch but I don’t know if this is going to work out.” I told him.

“You don’t need to make a decision right this second. Why don’t you hang around for a little bit and we’ll get to know each other and see if we’d get along.” Carlos suggested.

I agreed (remember everyone, she was desperate). He seemed like he was nice and that we would be able to get along but it is never fun living with strangers. We sat down in his bedroom because it was the only place to sit down. I sat in the chair in the corner as he lounged on his bed. We make small talk. “Why are you so uncomfortable?” He asked after a few minutes.

“Do I look uncomfortable?” I may have rambled about us being complete strangers and I was in his apartment and it was getting late and I had a 30 minute drive. He offered me a drink and I declined. He flipped the television to the news and we started talking about current events. Something interesting came up on the television and because I sat in the chair in the corner, I couldn’t see the t.v. I moved over and sat on the edge of the bed. (BIG MISTAKE. (that was her, not me. But I agree))

It is at this moment that Carlos kisses me. I didn’t see it coming and let out an awkward giggle. “You are really beautiful. I could never live with you and not be with you.” He kisses me again and I am a bubble of awkwardness. My mind is racing, what should I do? Should I just kiss him but won’t that lead him on and I don’t even know what just happened but it is kinda nice….I pulled myself away and told Carlos that I better be on my way and that I’ll let him know about the room. I already knew the answer was HELL NO, I can’t live with a guy that wants me. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. What if he jumps me in the middle of the night while I’m dreaming about something pleasant?

“Don’t go. I was just really getting to know you.” Carlos says. He kisses me again and there is a lot of commotion going on. I try to peek and see what he is doing, but he positions my face and keeps kissing me. Finally, our kiss has ended and Carlos is on his bed and no longer wearing his shorts. He’s also…very…happy.

I stood up and he took off his shirt. Completely nude with a boner laying on his bed. “I want you.” He touched himself unapproachably in my company as he taunted me with dirty promises. I’m sure my face had the combined look of shock and disgust. Seriously, I just met him and he thinks I’m gonna jump into his bed because I’m at his apartment late a night? The taste in my mouth has gone bad and all I can think about is going to the gas station and buying some tic-tacs (is it just me, or is anyone else wondering if Carlos actually had a room for rent?).

“I’m not gonna rent the room and I should get going.” I told him and found my way to the door. I got to my car and wonder what just happened.

Carlos called me on my drive home and apologizes. He told me some line about being so attracted to me that he just got lost in desire. We agreed that living together wouldn’t be a good thing but Carlos wanted to see me again. And you know what, I agreed to go on a date with him.

It was my worst date ever. What was I thinking?!?! Carlos took me on a drug deal for our date, left some drugs in my car and asked me for money because he’s broke (that really does sound like more of a "second date" thing).

Bad, bad memories. And this is why I have worked so hard to block it out (Blocking it out hasn't worked, and I'm sure you'll agree sharing and getting it off your chest is a healthy and liberating experience).

* His name isn’t really Carlos, although I don’t know why I’m trying to protect that perverted sleezeball.

I don't know why you protected him either. This blog has a history of naming and shaming sleezeballs. Or not naming them, but posting their pictures. And not so much a history.. it did happen one time.

Thanks for sharing the story Jennee. And remember everyone, if you enjoyed this story you can head over to Cheap Therapy and check out her blog.

And if you have any naked man stories of your own you'd like to share, let me know. I don't mind taking weeks off writing.


  1. That's a wild story. I'm glad that blogging has given us an outlet for the dumb things of our past. Otherwise it's just a creepy story that you never quite have an opportunity to tell.

  2. OMG that is the best story ever!!! Made my skin crawl just reading it!!
    Thanks fo sharing Jennee!!

  3. GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That deserves some intense therapy!

  4. sweet mother of jeebuzz!!

    that's why i would never want to venture into having a new house mate. *shudders*

  5. wow, omg! why can't the ones that come on strong be the good ones? :)

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  7. Yep, further proof that this tactic never works.

  8. Oh, I've been avoiding reading this and seeing everyones comments...but I'm pretty sure you're right, Carlos didn't have a room to rent.

  9. LOL OMG! Poor her, it does make for one crazy/funny story! What a creep and I do wonder if he ever even had the room for rent.

  10. Oh my! Poor Jenny! That is one memory that time definitely cannot erase. Poor girl. But well, it does make a great blog story. =)

  11. Wow!!!!!! OMG!!!

    I met someone like that!!! He was 56 and he called me after I turned in an application for a job at American Airlines (he was a manager there). He set the interview at a restaurant late at night. I should have known, but I was sheltered growing up, and was 19 (no boyfriend yet or first kiss for that matter). It was horrible and scary! I too, am trying to block that shit out of my head! LOL!

  12. OMG.

    Now that is just ridiculous. But bold. He does have that, I guess.

  13. Oh my! How amazingly sleazy!

  14. At first, when I read that she'd agreed to go on a date with him, I was shocked. Very, very shocked.

    Then, two seconds later, I realized it was a brilliant decision, and hopefully one I would habe made in her place.

    I mean, the throw-away drug deal line?

    That's just gold.

    And worth quite a few awkward moments.

  15. OMG! She has the Weirdo Magnet, too.

  16. Yikes! Sounds like we who enjoy naked men should just stick to the Statue of David. He's gorgeous, and can't possibly leave his pedestal, correctamundo?

  17. I would have burst out laughing, fo sheezy.

  18. That is crazy, and I agree with ScoMan on this one. I don't think that guy really had a room to rent.


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