Welcome everybody to my commentary

I've got so much talent, it's a little scary

Is my every random thought insightful? Very

Not just entertaining- I'm a luminary

Neil Patrick Harris- Commentary! The Musical

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Do I Dare?

Hello ScoFans!

Well, I was thinking about not writing a post this week. I'm not in a "writing zone" right now and all of the ideas I had scribble in my notepad (yes I do that), I knew if I tried them I wouldn't do them justice.

But like Captain Hammer says "When you're the best, you can't rest, what's the use?" and so I'm pressing on with a post, that, I think for the first time ever, is going to be focused on a movie.

Not just any movie, the first movie I've been excited about since "He Died With A Felafel In His Hand", which was released some 15 years ago and is the only Australian movie in my DVD collection.

So what is this movie I'm looking forward to?

Griff The Invisible

What's it about? Glad you asked (those of you who haven't gone "Yeah, okay pal, I'm not reading about some movie" and hit the big X at the top of the screen)

Actually before I tell you what it's about, on a comedy show here last week they had a game where they had to come up with titles for Australian vampire movies. My two personal favorites were "Hey True Blue Blood", and, one which I think speaks to the core of the typical Australian male.. "That Poofter Just Bit My Neck"

What was I talking about? Oh right. Griff.

See, the reason I went "off topic" there, is because there isn't really a lot of information about Griff at this stage (and so what I was doing is a little thing we in the biz call "padding". What biz? I don't know. But I am padding again. Seamless the way I manage to do that, isn't it?)

Okay, so Griff, from what I understand, is a superhero. I don't know what his powers might be, I bet some of you are thinking "Duh, invisibility", but I'm going to have to throw out a "I don't think so" on that one.

This is a quote from the star of the film..

“By day, Griff works in an office. By night, he is a superhero - or is he? It was this question that attracted me to the role. Griff is such an original and boundless character to play"

That question.. Is he a superhero? I think that may mean he is invisible in the sense that nobody would look at him twice, he's just another faceless office worker, rather than it referring to a power he has.

Or maybe I'm over analyzing.

Now, ladies, I know you are probably rolling your eyes because you've now read all this far and it turns out to be about some superhero, but don't worry. There's something there for you too.

“It is a super hero movie and it is a comedy, but at its core it’s a simple love story about two very unique individuals finding each other and giving the other the strength to be what they want to be,” said director Leon Ford from set

Aw.. isn't that sweet? A love story.

Still not into it girls? Well, there is going to of course be an Aussie actor playing Griff. Some of you might know him, from what I understand he's a bit of a big deal..

Yes, it's star of True Blood, Ryan Kwanten.

There, now I think there's something everybody will enjoy. A super hero story for the lads and a love story with Ryan Kwanten for the ladies.

And just an FYI, that's what all Australians look like with their shirts off. And not just the men either, the ladies as well.

(Sorry Alyssa, Sal, Catt and Jewels. And if there's another other Australian girls reading this, that either means I forgot about you, or that is what you look like with your shirt off)

So, do I dare get excited about another Australian movie? Our movies are usually pretty awful, but the last time I was excited about one I really enjoyed it.

Yes, I think I will look forward to the release of Griff as well.

With a release in mid to late 2010 though, it's going to be quite a wait.

Oh well, this arrives on Thursday, that should keep me entertained until then..

Until Friday...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Facebook Fail Friday #9- Good onya Mum!

Hello ScoFans!

I thought I might Aussie up the title of this weeks post, because I am going to finish with a story from right here in Australia. A story on a Facebook Fail Friday? Oh yes, it's a first. Don't worry, it's entertaining (as opposed to my usual stories)

Anyway, this week I'm devoting to mothers. Some of you are mothers. Some of you even have mothers. And mothers are wonderful people.

Most mothers...

As a non smoker, 10 lighters seems like an awful lot. As a responsible citizen, 10 lighters is way too many for your kid to be playing with. Although you are having trouble with the word "know", so it wouldn't surprise me if your son is 23, a smoker, and is only now just counting to 10.

And I thought the lighters were dangerous...

We all know she's kidding. At least, we hope she's kidding.

I know mum's take photo's of some kids in some pretty strange situations and call it hilarious, but I think that crosses a line. In fact, it crosses a line, gets on a plane and continues flying away from the line.

And now for a Facebook related story (I'll highlight the best bits)

AN Adelaide man has been convicted of criminal defamation after posting material about a country police officer on social networking site Facebook.

Defamation experts believe the case, involving Christopher James Cross, 19, has set a legal precedent and should serve as a "wake-up call" for all Facebook users - which number more than six million in Australia.

Cross, of Salisbury, pleaded guilty last Monday in the Kadina Magistrates Court to criminal defamation - and became only the second person in SA ever convicted of the rarely used charge.

When the apprentice diesel mechanic was charged on August 27, his police bail conditions included a ban on him returning to his home town of Yorketown, on Yorke Peninsula.

The ban lapsed following his guilty plea on Monday and Cross returned home for the first time on Friday.

A sheepish Cross on Friday said he "didn't realise you could get in trouble for things on the internet".

"Other stupid stuff has been said towards other people and towards me, and nothing has ever happened. The fact it involved a police officer, that's where something happens," he said.

Kadina CIB detectives launched an investigation after one of Yorketown's two police officers, Senior Constable Mark Stuart, was alerted to material posted about him on a Facebook group, called "Piss off Mark Stuart".

When questioned by detectives, Cross admitted setting up the Facebook group targeting the officer.

On Monday, he appeared before Kadina Magistrate Derek Sprod and pleaded guilty.

He was convicted and placed on a two-year, $500 good behaviour bond. If Cross breaches the bond, he could face a jail term of up to three years.

The Facebook page created by Cross contained photographs of Sen Constable Stuart, the location of his house, and had many posts from visitors who had left incorrect, offensive and grossly defamatory statements about the officer.

Some encouraged acts of violence and aggression towards him.

The court heard Cross made full admissions to Kadina detectives when he was arrested. He admitted setting up the Facebook page because friends had complained to him about Sen Constable Stuart and that his actions were "stupid".

SA Police's Commercial and Electronic Crime Branch worked with detectives and had the Facebook page removed. It was active for about four to five days and had 43 entries when taken down.

Cross said when he established the page, he had "no idea" his actions were illegal and the comments on the page about Sen Constable Stuart were made "as a joke".

But he admitted that his mother, Catherine Goodwin, who lives in Yorketown, had told him he may "get in trouble".

"It wasn't until three or four days afterwards mum sort of said 'this is a defamation sort of thing and if he (Stuart) was to see this, you could get in trouble for it'," he said. When he told his mother he had been charged with criminal defamation she "pretty much said, 'I told you so'."

Asked if he would contemplate such action again, he said "no, of course not, no", but said he had no plans to apologise to the police officer.

Sen Constable Stuart, an officer for more than 18 years - the last five in Yorketown - yesterday said the episode had caused his family "considerable distress".

Sen Constable Stuart, who is not a Facebook user, said he was "astounded at the savage nature of many of the interactions". He said he was alerted to the page containing the offending material about him by colleagues who were contacted by community members. "I was angry," he said. "As a local police officer, I believe it is part of the territory that we have to take a little bit more than the average person.

"However, on this occasion it was quite a personal attack and it (the page) even had photographs of my children."

Sen Constable Stuart said he was "active" in policing road safety issues locally, which may have led to animosity from some locals - including some of Cross's associates.

"I have charged some with drink driving and have defected their cars and they don't like it," he said. "My answer to them (his critics) is if you are not happy about what I do, complain about it and have my activities scrutinised, and they will be.

"Or don't do the wrong thing in the first place. Have your car roadworthy, don't drink and drive, and don't behave like a moron at 2.30 in the morning when the pubs shut."

Sen Constable Stuart said while he accepted the personal attacks that often came with being a country officer, when combined with the 24-hour nature of the job, it meant his wife and two young sons also suffered.

"I accept all of those things, but this was one step too far," he said.


I think the moral of this post is, your mother may put you in the toilet, piss on you and let you stick firearms in your mouth, but she still knows best and you should always listen to her.

Another thing I personally take away from this story is, I guess I was lucky..

Until Sunday.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Trapped into new experiences

Hello ScoFans!

Well, my streak as the kiss of death continues and the person who was going to write this week isn't feeling the creativity flow at this point in time, so you'll have to wait a little bit longer for the end of the story. In the meantime I'll continue to entertain you as best I can.

As those of you following me on Twitter know, I had to attend a work function last night. One that I wasn't too keen on attending. I wasn't sure exactly what it was about. All I knew is, I had to show up in "After Five" wear and that the meal was free (which was enough to get me there)

I was, as always, one of the first to arrive (I don't do fashionably late) so I grabbed a coke and sat at my table and waited for my coworkers to arrive. After about 20 minutes as the table started to fill, I realised some of the coworkers I would have liked to share a table with were going to be on a different table which was a tad disappointing.

Before proceedings there were people running around taking pictures of everyone. One of my coworkers and I had to get our pictures taken about 6 times because we looked "too pale" in each picture. We agreed that was probably because we are pale, which is probably because we hate outside.

We looked at the entrees that were served to us and had trouble determining what most of it was (I did work out that the lemon was lemon, which makes me pretty awesome) I decided I wasn't eating any of it until my demands were met:
  • a list of ingredients in each item
  • a discussion with the chef to ensure their competency
  • our MasterChef judge Matthew Preston try everything and give me his evaluation of each thing on the menu
I'm not a picky eater.. but I'm not going to eat anything unless I know what it is I'm putting in my mouth (a lesson we could all learn from Mel's last blog)

My boss, who had organized the whole thing, stood up before dinner to tell us what we were all there for. He told us it was to be a discussion about how wonderful the "Baby Boomers" are. How much they have done for this country. How this country has been changed across the ages to accommodate them. First more primary schools when they reached primary school age. Then secondary schools being built as they reached that age. And now, to his horror, nursing homes being constructed at a rate faster than ever before.

He said he had lined up a group of speakers for us to help the baby boomers maintain their power and control, and keep Generation X in the background "where they belong"

He had a school principal who was going to give the speech "It's probably my fault"

A lawyer who specialises in succession planning who was going to read from us from his thesis "You can't take what you can't find"

And a Gen-X nurse who was going to talk up the benefit of kerosene baths.

Then, dinner was served. Dinner was nice but the veggies were a bit raw.

Somehow, dinner conversation turned to my coworkers trying to send me on holidays, preferably overseas. It's funny, mum has been saying the same thing to me lately. Maybe there's a message in that? Maybe my coworkers and family no longer welcome me? That's okay, it's not like people usually spent a lot of time around their coworkers and family anyway right?

First we were talking Middle East, because the V8s are racing there next year. That was my idea. Unfortunately, if I am going to take a holiday my input into any decision doesn't count for much. That idea was shot down and before I knew it I was being sent to London. I'm not sure why, other than because that's where one of my coworkers went when she was 19 and apparently I should be doing everything the way she did it.

She also told me about a car museum I have to go and see at Donnington (I think?). I could see cars in the Middle East too, and they would be driving, but hey.. whatever. Apparently "speaking English" should be high on my list of what to look for in the country I'm visiting on my first time overseas.

I kept insisting that I'm not a traveler and she said neither was her husband before she met him, but she soon sorted him out and showed him the world.

"Maybe that's what I need to start traveling. A significant other"
"Yes. Someone to drag you away from your comfort zone and give you some experiences"
"No. Someone to run away from because they make my comfort zone a lot less comfortable"

That joke was a big hit with the guys, not so much with their wives.

After dinner my boss stood up again and said he was going to now go to the "interactive" part of the evening. He asked everyone to pull their seats right in so that he could move around the room and point to people, and when he pointed they had to contribute.

People did this, and then he sat down.

And then the opera singers came down the stairs.

And I was trapped.. on the far side of the room from the exits.. about 70 people between me and the door.. my back to the wall literally and figuratively speaking. Plus I had just had roast beef so was feeling very sluggish and in no mood to try a speedy and cunning escape. In fact, I felt more like napping.

So I sat through it. It wasn't even one opera.. it was like Opera's Greatest Hits as selected by the boss. The highlight during the first session was when one of the girls was singing a romantic song and moving around the room rubbing against men, and she moved to our table and behind one of the other guys not into the opera at all and as he thought he was safe from her he said "Thank G.."

What he didn't realise is that she'd paused behind him and was looking at the back of his head. Her arm shot over his shoulder and started rubbing his chest while the rest of us enjoy a good laugh at his expense.

Desert rolled around and we got a break from the music. Conversation turned to a book one of the women was reading which says Australia is in a "man drought".. at the key ages women usually get married, there is a serious shortage of men in that same age bracket (hear that single guys? Having no luck, come to Australia and increase your odds!)

She convinced the single girl at our table to get out and meet new people, but then told me I still have to go to London. I'm not sure what she was implying, but I think it might be that English girls are easy.

How would I know? I never go anywhere. *Looks to Nic for input on the topic*

Who needs to go places when you have blog friends to fill you in on what's happening over there?

After desert, more singing and I guess the important thing to come out of the evening is that I survived it. Not only that, I kind of enjoyed it. I do remember promising a blogger going to see Moulin Rouge with them after Dexter did it in "Dexter By Design", and I guess this was like training wheels for something like that. I would have much rathered if they were singing Dr Horrible tunes (I did spend part of the night choreographing in my mind how one would set up different Dr Horrible scenes in the restaurant, but you make the best out of what you're given.

The evening ended with them singing happy birthday to the boss, which for him would be an amazing experience. The look of joy on his face through the whole evening was great.

Until Friday...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Facebook Fail Friday #8 - In This Twilight

Hello ScoFans!

First of all, it's only just over a month away from Christmas. Five weeks from today in fact (oh wow! Christmas is a Friday. I'll have to try and get something special for that one.

Anyway, I just wanted to put a shout out to two Secret Santa things happening at the moment. One at TheCattPrezProject and one at ChinkyMel's corner. Head on over there and sign up, because the more people involved the more fun these things are (do as I say, not as I do)

But something that people don't have to wait for anymore is the new Twilight movie. Although I've never seen anything Twilight related, I am aware of its release because it has been plastered all over the news, all over Twitter and of course... all over Facebook.

And so this week, in the first ever Facebook Fail Friday dedicated to a movie, I give you the BEST Twilight related Facebook Fails.

Yeah.. Andrew... I'm pretty sure that falls under the category of "Not helping". But it's funny for the rest of us.

With this stuff being everywhere, even for someone as ignorant of modern culture as I am, it's hard not to know who Edward and Bella are. And it's hard not to laugh at that. Sandra got pwned.

Just by show of hands.. who's pretty sure it was the guy from Twilight?

It's no secret that I'm hardly a poster boy for testosterone, but I've gotta go with Todd on this one. If it were my choice we'd be wearing thongs and watching Saw. (Oh wait, for most of you thongs AREN'T footwear. Well in Australia.. oh to hell with it. Think what you want to think)

I'd just like to say... best.. prank... EVER. Marc gets a million points.

Until next time...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Don't Move North and be a Canadian, Hang Down Low With Them Nice Australians

Hello ScoFans!

First off, good news. I have found someone to finally finish that story from way back. The original fourth member of the team is currently unable to write, so I searched my mind for a deserving fifth, and I've found one, who has agreed to the role. You can look forward to finally having it all resolved next week.

This week, as you may have guessed from the title, I'm hitting back at the "Franco Unamerican" song (timely, I know. Look out Pokerface, I'm coming for you in five years!)

For anyone who doesn't know, or has forgotten the song, this is it here...

Now, I have a problem with that bit at the end there. Why would anyone move to Canada when Australia is an alternative? It's not like we're equals, we're way awesomer than them and that. And as long as you don't come here on a leaky boat, we'll welcome you with open arms (Too soon? Seriously though, we should have let them people in sooner.. but hey, this blog isn't about politics)

But what have Canada ever given the world?

Alanis Morrisette and Avril Lavigne.

One woman who needs to pull out a dictionary and look up the definition of irony and another who spells with numbers (I'm sorry but a free ride when you've already paid is not ironic. I think the word you're looking for is "idiotic". Ditto for "good advice that you just didn't take". And the old man who won the lottery and then died, again not ironic, but perhaps tragic) Between the two of them, the little Canadians have no hope of grasping the English language in all its glory. You don't want to school your kids in Canada, obviously.

(Oh, and I know I spelt prove wrong a few weeks ago and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but it is hot in here and I think the breeze will do me good)

So come to Australia. We've got room. But before you arrive, there's a few things you need to know.

1 / You need to be careful what you say to Australians, because we've all be programmed a bit differently to the rest of the world.

For example, say you go out one night and you meet someone. You have a good night, you exchange numbers and everything but then you find out they're leaving the next day for a few months for their work. Now normally, you ask someone "Am I ever going to see your face again?" after an evening like that and it's all romantic and sweet. But you ask an Australian, and as much as they might want to say something sweet in reply, and much as they might search for the perfect words to make you melt (and I already hear my Australian readers saying it, waiting for me to get to the line) and you'll get the response..


We can't help it. It's in our blood. It's in our culture.

It all started in 1976 when The Angels released a song "Am I ever gonna see your face again?", and Australians, being Australians, decided that sounds a lot like a question. And every question needs an answer.

Don't believe me? Firstly, why not? Have I ever lied to you before?

And secondly, here is the clearest version I have found of it.

The Angels themselves have never said those words. It started with an audience, and Australian audiences have carried it 33 years (that's longer than I've been alive). Because that's the kind of people we are. We value tradition. (Maybe Gen Y don't because I tweeted and Facebooked "Am I ever gonna see your face again?" and nobody told me to get fucked or fuck off. You people should all be ashamed of yourselves)

2/ There is a difference that will only affect people who know sign language. While some signs are universal and some are country specific (so I've been told), there is one sign that only Australia has, because we're the only country that sees a need for it.

That sign looks a little bit like this..

Oh yes, those are my arms. Sexy, I know. Also I don't know why it's so dark, it didn't look like that on my computer. And the sound is the fan. As I said, hot in here.

Anyway, what that sign mean, and remember we are the only country in the world who has found a use for it, nobody else thinks it's worth having, and what it means is "Fuck you. Fuck the lot of you"

So if any of the rest of you want to piss off a bunch of deaf people in one hit, you can't. But here in Australia we're about efficiency.

So ask yourselves, do you want to live in a country where the school system is obviously below par?

Or do you want to live in a country that values it's culture and traditions. That is building efficiencies as well as expanding the communication with those who are unable to hear.

I think the choice is clear.

Fuck Canada. Australia fucking rocks!

Until next week...

Just kidding. Love you all.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Facebook Fail Friday #7- Thanks for sharing!

Hello ScoFans!

Wow, the weeks fly by so quickly don't they? I can't believe it's Friday already. And it's like.. the middle of November. Almost. Exciting stuff.

But not as exciting as another round of Facebook Fails.

So no jibber jabber.. let's get to it.

I'm sure right now there's girls squirming in sympathy and guys trying to visualize. Well that's good, because that's what Facebook Fail Friday is all about- creating separation. Who needs this "togetherness" stuff anyway? (There might also be some guys remembering the last time there was a tampon in the toilet which again is creating separation.. ohhhh yeah!)

Am I the only one innocent enough to not be sure of what Anal Beads are? I'm so pure. And I can just see this person going into the store and going "They're for my friend" and the dude behind the counter going "Yeah.. sure they are.."

Again, I think girls everywhere are probably squirming and guys.. no guys are probably squirming too. They talk about manscapers as "Men who put razors in dangerous places".. well I'm pretty sure that's a dangerous place to be sticking scissors.

And now, because it's Friday here and Australia is in front of the rest of the world (because we're awesome) that means most of you are probably doing your TMI Thursday posts (Thursday is SOOO yesterday).. and so, I thought I'd share a couple which I think define "Too much information"..

Oh yes, not only do they give you an address.. but also directions on how to get there AND an identifying mark on the house. That is way too much information to be giving out to strangers on the Internet (unless you want to be stalked, in which case it's probably about right)

And then there's this guy.. who just keeps talking...

For those of you still awake, until next time...

PS If you don't know by now, I enjoy some good random humor and some good random debating. Well this morning over at PrimA some great random humor went up (It was just one of those things that started with a great idea which was then excellently executed) so head over there and share your theory on exactly what did happen to the 100th Luft Balloon.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Born To Try

Hello ScoFans!

An Australian philosopher once said "I was born to try", and I've lately realised that those few words could well have been written by or about yours truly.

I will start by taking you on a tour of my trophy cabinet, before we arrive at the recent even which has awoken this realisation in me.

Under 13s Fielding award (Cricket)

Catching, throwing.. stopping the ball. All the stuff which in those days,
didn't really mean anything and wasn't recognised as important to the team.


In my eyes, the fielding award always went to the kid who couldn't do anything
else. There were lots of awards for batting well. Plenty of awards for the bowlers.
The fielding award just went to the other kid who had no real talent, but tried at least.

Next stop on the carousel..

Under 14 Coaches Award (Cricket)
Under 13 Coaches Award (Football)

Always attending training. Listening to the coaches instructions.
Behaving myself and again and of course, giving 100%.

Again, I think these were just the trophies to make sure no
kid missed out on a trophy. Because that's the world we live
in now, you can't separate the good players from the bad.
Everyone has to get SOMETHING. So yep, two more trophies
just for turning up and trying not to suck.

And before we get to the real point of this post...

A horse's arse.

Really... a horse's arse.

Last place in the 2002 Teenage bowling league.

Please tell me you don't really require an explanation this


A few months ago now Alyssa from "Just Putting It Out There" played a game with a prize. Head over there, it was a caption competition and those of us who entered had a blast.

Anyway, I didn't win. PrimA won (and after enjoying her blog posts for awhile I'm starting to not want to see her attacked by spider monkies any more. At least, less than I did before) But as you may have guessed Alyssa was awesome enough to send me a prize for trying the most ..which I think technically means I get a prize for losing more than anybody else.. BUT I don't care about the technicalities because what I do have is that great Dexter picture you see above you.

She mentioned in the letter than came with it she knew I loved Dexter and wasn't sure what I had, and, well, I don't like to brag but...

And now with some fantastic original artwork to add to the mix, well that means there's nothing more a Dexter fan could want (until the new book and next DVD series come out).. (and for those of you thinking "Aren't there four Dexter books?", that book on the left is the first three books in one book)

So thank you again Alyssa. I'm just sorry it took me so long to finally show off my prize to the world.

And now it's time for a few confessions. A few things that I omitted from the above bit.

Firstly, my first place and second place trophy from 10 pin bowling (from 2000 and 2001.. I changed teams in 2002 hence the drop to the bottom)

And lastly I wrote a post awhile ago for a competition Hillbilly Duhn was putting on. Well, out of all the people that entered she picked my piece to win the great prize on offer. She sent out two books (which I will read when I finish the 800+ page beast I started just before receiving them.. 400 pages down.. 400+ to go)

Angels and Demons (Robert Langdon's First Adventure)
I'm looking forward to them.

Make sure you head over and check out both Hillbilly Duhn and Alyssa's blogs.

Until Friday...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Facebook Fail Friday #6- Category Unknown

Hello ScoFans!

I know now that the reason you all look forward to Fridays is for another round of Facebook Fails, and not because it's the day before the weekend.

The past few weeks I have sorted things into categories, but this week I'm going with stuff that is sort of one of a kind. Stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else, because I'm far to lazy to push the square block through the round hole.

So, without further ado...

Tell you what Sandy, send me $50 and I'll email you one.

Joe, if it's any consolation, I'm sure people only told you they were coming because they like you and they didn't want to hurt your feelings. And I'm sure the reason they didn't show up is because you suck.

Oh Jordan. You're so hardcore. Make sure you tell your 300 pound cell mate your little "po po" line.

Okay, I think everyone there needs to take a deep breath. Now get in your cars, and all move an hour away from each other. At least. Pepper you better just move to a new country.

And finally, another contribution from a one of my readers. This one comes from Sal at Just My Thoughts. Make sure you head over to her blog and thank her for this addition to the wall of shame...

Not only is the tattoo.. what's the opposite of classy? Anyway, not only that, but I'm sure grammar nazi's and Castle fans here noticed the same thing I did on my first glance a it. In the words of Castle himself..

"Y O U apostrophe R E. Short for "You Are". And that's not even a hard one, like when to use who and when to use whom"

And now that guy has bad grammar on his body forever. And I'm sure that upsets him no end.

Remember, if you happen to find a Facebook Fail in your travels, they can be sent to me using any of the above methods up there somewhere.

Have a good weekend.