I had a special post for the first of May, and after a discussion at work today I'm going to mark another first of the month with a new month related post. Did anyone follow that?
Today I was talking with a coworker about her daughters getting carried away with this "Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month" thing. She's got four daughters and I think the oldest is about 8. I can imagine it's pretty bad.
There's a few the kids go through these days.
It starts with "Pinch and punch for the first day of the month". No surprises there. That's a classic, we've all heard that one before right?
Next, it moves on to "Flick and kick for being so quick". She hadn't heard that one before, but I grew up with it. Is it just her that doesn't know it? Or is this a relatively new thing? Old people, I'm asking you.
THEN there's "That's not fair so I'm pulling your hair".. that one was new to me. I hadn't heard it. She hadn't heard it before her girls bought it home either.
And that got me wondering.. she's Gen X.. I'm Gen Y.. her kids are whatever they are.. maybe every generation adds a new one to the list.
Well, I've saved the future generations some trouble, because that's just the kind of guy I am. They can refer to this list.. and you can use it to get ready for when you have kids or grandkids or whatever's next in line in your family as well.. you'll know what they're going to be bringing home.
"That was just bad so I'm going to murder your dad"
"Least it wasn't my mum and now I'm using my gun"
"I'm not afraid. Here's a grenade"
"You forgot to pull the pin. Here it is agin"
"Turns out you're a liar, so I'll set you on fire"
"Fire's in the past, eat a laser blast"
By that point we should be at about 2070-2080.
I'm not sure where the world and it's weaponry technology will be at that point, so I can't continue from there.. but hey, we're all set for the next 60 years or so.
So if you haven't had kids yet, just make a mental note of where in the line you expect to have them, and plan what sort of weapons you'll need to send them to school with every month, as well as the sort of things their body armour will need to protect them from.
Also females in the group, if you have a slow witted kid, I'd be prepared to lose a few husbands along the way. And men, may your deaths be quick and painless.
Okay. Now we've had our laugh. Now I have to move on to something serious.
A few weeks ago, I posted pictures of my workplace. All fun games yeah?
Last night however, my workplace was broken into, and I suspect it was one of you assholes, using those pictures to case the joint. (Oh yeah, "case the joint".. I watch cop shows, I know what that means.)
Before you get too stressed, most of you aren't suspects. The bars they climbed through the back means whoever did this is fairly skinny, so a majority your fat asses can rest easy. As for the five or six of you I think would probably fit, I'll be watching, and waiting, and eventually you'll make a mistake.
And I was thinking not only have I posted pictures of my workplace on here, I've posted pictures of myself as well. Maybe whoever broke into my office will use those pictures to come after me.
I decided however, that I don't need to hire protection, because if you were skinny enough to fit through those bars, I'm sure I could crush your bony ass.
And for those of you that saw the pictures of my workplace, remember how organised everything was?
After the detective walked around the office looking lost for a few minutes he came and asked us "How am I supposed to know what's where you left it, and what was messed up by the robbers?"
We were one of nine places broken into last night though. All they stole from us were some of the mints in the tray out the front that we have there for charity.
They opened all the cupboards around where we keep the petty cash, but they didn't open the petty cash cupboard. When one of the girls pointed this out to the detective, this conversation took place:
"But what you have to realise is, these people are working in the dark. They might just have a small flashlight, so it's not necessarily that they're dumb."
"I think they're dumb though"
"Well you might think they're dumb, but we haven't caught them yet"
On the lighter side of crime though (and by "lighter side" I mean "It's funny because it didn't happen to me"), today a bank 25 kilometers up the road from here was robbed.
But that's not all. The would be bandits were pulled over by an unmarked police car for not wearing their seatbelts, and while the police were talking to them the call about the robbery came over the radio.
Sometimes you just get lucky I guess.
I'll leave you today with this.
Whichever one of you it is that's coming for me, I'm ready for you.
Hmm.. in this post I referred to the "old people", called you "assholes", "fat asses" and just to include everyone "bony asses" as well. Really though, you're alright. Sometimes.
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