The Only Boy

I always get into stuff
Just when it's finishing being cool
I'm never quite brave enough
To take a chance on something new
That's for someone else to do

I'm never too far behind
I follow the trends
But I never take any risks
I'm not ahead of the pack
I'm just with the pack
Towards the back

Tripod - Always Get Into Stuff

Hello ScoFans!

This is something that's been happening around the bloggosphere for awhile now, and in fact I think almost everyone else has had their turn.

So when everyone else has finished, become bored with it, packed up and gone home.. then that's when I'll decide to give it a crack (although after I drafted this the first office tour for about a week went up, so I guess I'm not the only one towards the back of the pack)

Cher of The Only Girl and someone else who I'm not sure who it was started an International Workspace Tour many many weeks ago. I kept saying "I'll do it one day", and I was going to do it last week, but last week was the first of May and I had more important things to blog about (I forgot to mention anyone who liked that song can go here and download it, and about 30 of his other songs, for free- you can also pay for others if you choose to), so here is my workspace, albeit delayed by a week.

The title of this post is a play on Cher's "Only Girl", because as of last Friday I am the only boy in my office other than the boss (which means I am the only boy in "The pit".. you'll see what that's about later)

I know you're excited, you always wanted to know what an accounting office looked like right?

This is the tea room. It's the first room you see when you enter the building (from the carpark, obviously not from the street. We don't want our clients entering the building in the tea room. That's where we go to complain about them and the stupid, frustrating things they do. They can't hear that, they might think we don't value their money.)



This is the area that we affectionately refer to as "The deads". It's where we put the files of all of our clients who have moved on to a better place.. like the accountants up the road. Bam!

Ow. I hurt my own feelings.

I like referring to it as the deads. That way if someone comes looking for a file, I have a chance to say "I think we killed them", and the other person knows exactly what I mean. And they don't call the cops.



That's my desk. I'm pretty sure that file was open because I was pretending to be busy. I can tell because there is a closed file on top of the open file, so I'm not sure how I was getting any work done.

Wanna see what's in my drawers?



That's my top drawer. That's where I empty my pockets to when I arrive in the morning. That "Chewy" thing you see would be a muesli bar, which becomes afternoon tea. The purple highlighter hasn't worked in over 12 months. The "Tax Schools" brochure you see there was probably for last years seminar.


That's my bottom drawer. You can see there the book from last years Tax Schools seminar, as well as my dodgy umbrella. In a strong gust of wind, that thing is useless, and I'm better off without it. I have an umbrella at home I use on the really rainy days, that one is back up in case I get caught looking to head home during a light shower (but racing home with that thing in a storm is a far better alternative to... *shudder*.. staying at work)


These are the shelves that sit behind my desk that help to keep me organised.

Top shelf = waiting on info from the client
Second shelf = info has come in, waiting for me to start working on it
Bottom shelf = waiting on a response from the tax office / ASIC etc

As you can see, I'm very efficient. My clients and the government bodies I have to deal with.. not so much.


These are my other shelves.

Top shelf - Files that pretty much "live" at my desk for one reason or another
Second shelf - Printer paper and current tax books
Bottom shelf- Old tax books for reference

So yeah.. I'm pretty organised, right?

WRONG!

That's my desk from side on. Apparently I decided it would be fun to try and build a fort. I'm not sure at what point I realized that by building a fort around myself to lock other people out, I would at the same time be trapping myself at my desk.

But I'm not the only one to leave files just laying about.



That's our boardroom. That's where, in theory, we could be taking some of our clients with a team of us and a team of them and discussing their business and their tax situation and whatever.

Every now and then (like if we have a new client coming in that we want to land) we'll tidy the room up and put on a show.. but mostly it's just used as storage for files that my boss was looking at, at some point he's forgotten why he was looking at them, and so they've been moved there until somebody runs out of stuff to do and picks them up.

This is one of our interview rooms though.

It's where I see most of my clients. They have no idea of what's happening out the back. They wouldn't even realize there's hideous green carpet through most of the office (You all noticed that, right?). There's a few pictures there (from shows my boss has been in or just classic pictures most people have seen) which clients will use to strike up a conversation, there's a graph of the share market's performance which I can use to try and make tax clients financial planning clients, but other than that it's pretty bare.

There's also plenty of these pictures around the office.

My boss loves his trains.

And now for "The pit"

The pit is a large room that is home to eleven employees. It's the big open area at the back of the office where all the work is done.

This is the view from the front looking back..


My desk is about half way along. It might be easier to see from the back.


Yep, that one there with the monitor on.. that's me. I took these photos on a Friday morning (I'm always earliest to the office on a Friday) so that's why the place is pretty quiet.
And that's the few places up the side. Those people are lucky enough to have walls.

Some day, I hope to have walls of my very own some day.

And for anyone who was wondering what was on my background and trying to make it out over the other desks, I'll save you the trouble..

Anyone who knows what that is gets a million ScoPoints.

What are ScoPoints?

ScoPoints are the system I use to help me rank people in my mind. They'll come in handy if you're ever in a burning building with someone else I know and I'm trying to work out which one of you to save.

You're right, there's no way I'm running into a burning building. No matter how many ScoPoints you have, you're on your own.

For more ScoPoints you can also show off your workplace and join up with Cher's International Workspace Tour (if you too are towards the back of the pack).

Taking a chance
That's just not for me

If there's four levels of cool
Then I'm at level three

It goes freakishly cool people first
Cool people next, then there's me..

And then my mum (Happy mothers day mum!)

I never try to set the trend

'Cos I've been hurt before
The only time I went out on a limb
It didn't work out for the best
A bandanna round my chest
Over a vest

Tripod - Always Get Into Stuff

First of May

Hello ScoFans!

Well, it's the First of May, so for you northern hemisphere folk you know what that means right?

Too bad for us southern hemisphere folk. We miss out.

But while we're on "inappropriate songs to be caught singing at the workplace", I thought I'd share with you a few other lines that have landed me on the receiving end of some strange looks..

"Sucker love, a box I choose. No other box I choose to use."
Placebo - Every You Every Me

"Man man man man, manly man man man"
Two and a Half Men - Theme Song

"I fucked Glenn Campbell, fucked him on a see saw
Kenny Rogers thought it crass when I fucked his big white ass"
Puscifer - Cuntry Boner

That's all I can think of right now.

As I said, people just sort of smile, nobody really says anything. You might think that's because they respect me too much to call me on it, but I learned the other day that's not true.

I was helping one of my coworkers when my boss walked over and this took place..

Boss: "Why are you helping her?"
Me: "She needed me to look over the research she'd done"
Boss: "Well, you won't feel like helping her when I tell you what she called you"
Kath: "Don't tell him"
Boss: "She called you an it"
Me: "Really? Kath, you're on your own with this one"
Kath: "That's not what I said! I said I'd got I T to help me!"
Boss: "She just admitted that not only did she call you it, but she spelled it out, the same way a grown up might spell out curse words around young children"
Me: "Do you think perhaps she was implying then that I can't spell "it"? And that she thought she might be safe if I overheard your conversation because I wouldn't know what she was saying"
Boss: "I think you might be on to something. So I do want to ask you, when you have a few moments, can you please right me up a list of rules for respect to coworkers in the workplace?"

And so this is where I need your help. I've written a few, but I think there should be more. Think about how you would like to be treated in the workplace, and let me know in the comments section.

Just so you know, this is what I have so far.

1. Coworkers should not refer to each other as "it", "you", "that one", "the freak" or "loser". Coworkers should refer to each other by name. It doesn't have to necessarily be by their name, it could be by the name of a fictional character or celebrity they remind you of based on their personality or physical appearance- so long as it will be obvious to the rest of us who you are referring to.
2. There are three different generations working in this office. Each generation will have different wants, needs and expectations when it comes to treatment in the workplace. Generation Y* for instance, needs constant feedback on the awesome job they are doing. They know they are doing an awesome job, that much is obvious, but without other people saying it out loud on a regular basis they will begin to feel undervalued. As this list was complied by a Gen Y, they have no idea of or interest in the wants or needs of the other generations.
3. We all know that different parts of the office are warmer than others, and different parts of the office are cooler. Constantly tinkering with the settings of the heater however, will only lead to people in the office being frustrated. In the interest of fairness, the last person into the office each day (so everyone can be there to witness it and we know that it wasn't rigged) will pull a number between 4 and 40 each day, at random from a bucket. That will be what the heater is set to that day.

Any other ideas? Your help would be much appreciated.

Anyway, I better go. I'm off to the football with dad.. let's hope I don't sing anything about "fucking outside"..

*I am the only Gen Y employee in the office, so when I say "Generation Y are doing an awesome job", I mean "I am doing an awesome job"

Making Babies

Hello ScoFans!

Okay, I have a confession to make.

Now I know confessions usually happen on a Wednesday.

Also, I am aware that today is Sunday.

Nevertheless, this needs to be said.

(Yes, I stole that from The Simpsons.. but hey, their material is good so shut it)

Okay.. here goes... I know I've always played the innocent asexual who's sickened by any sort of human contact, but especially sexual contact (if you've only been here not long, you might now know that.. but just run with me)... but the truth is, I am a boy slut.

Not just a boy slut, but to borrow a term from Nine Inch Nails, a Starfucker.

Boom... twist...

And, because I've had to sit and look at pictures of your kids (those of you who have kids), I'm now going to pull out my photo album and share my offspring with you...

This is a son I had with Tina Fey... what?... You can see the ad for "makemebabies.com" in the bottom corner there? The jig is up already?

Can I at least keep playing the game?

No?

Damn.

Okay.

Okay, so yep, after I posted a few weeks ago about my slight crush on Tina Fey, Andhari pointed out that both myself and Tina have awesome qualities, and I said to her "Imagine the weird, awkward, geeky children we would have." (actually we might have been talking about Liz Lemon).. anyway, I found a website that allowed me to bring those weird, awkward, geeky children to life, and that is our son right there. Our daughter is below.




Yeah.. they look pretty much the same. They must be twins.

At least, to the male eye they look identical.. Mums everywhere reading this blog probably spotted 5 differences with just a glance.

So, while I was on the site, I thought I'd check out what other celebrities are there. Who else could I have some fun with?

Who the hell would be under X?


That is what my baby daughter with Xzibit would look like. That is one mean ass looking kid. If your kid goes to school with that kid, your kid is going to get a lot of wedgies. And if you come to our place to complain about your kid being bullied, Xzibit is going to give you a wedgie too.

Or maybe the kid will. Because she's just that bad ass. Really. I think she'd even give Mr T a run for his money.

Fellow "Australian" Nicole Kidman was on their site.. let's see what an Aussie baby looks like..

Ugh.. oh no!

It's like some sort of.. alien almost. Look at the shape of it's head. In fact, it reminds me of her ex husband Tom Cruise.

Speaking of Tom..

Oh wow. That looks even freakier than Nicole's baby. Wow. This is not a good streak for me. I mean, the kids with Tina Fey were adorable, but everything since then.. do you think it's my fault? Do you think my genes are grossifying these poor kids?

Well let's see how a baby with Tom's new wife would look..

Okay. Well that's an improvement. Although for some reason Katie decided we needed to put a leash on our child. I don't know, maybe it's a Scientologist thing... but then Tom didn't put a leash on his kid.

I guess a leash could never contain that kid though. That's the sort of kid you need to keep in a cage under the stairs.

After that I decided to check out a few bloggosphere favorites.

I know there are a few Lady Gaga fans out there, so I thought for your benefit, I'd see what a baby I had with The Ga would look like.

Yeah that's your fault. If you find that image disturbing then that one's on you. If you find it cute.. well, yeah, I know, isn't it?

Jonny Depp, he's another one that seems to have a few fans around..

She looks like she could grow up to play one of those creepy british kids in those horror movies. You know the ones.

Jensen Ackles is next for the Supernatural fans..

That kid almost looks like something Dean should be hunting. Look at the egg shaped head. Although mum has often told me never to wear baseball caps because it highlights how egg shaped my head is, so maybe the baby gets that from me.

Susan Boyle, she was big for awhile around the blog world yeah? Every second blog you visited would have her on there. Well, let's see what ghastly creature she would create..

Actually that one is very cute. It looks like she could play an elf in a Christmas movie (I'm casting any of the cute kids into movie roles, the rest get locked in the basement)

Paris Hilton. Yeah, you knew it had to come to this. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie..


Those are two kids, especially Nicole's kid, with big foreheads which indicates big brains. Again, they must that get from me, because they certainly don't get it from their mothers.

Arnie is there, surely he would have a kid that could match it with Xzibit's kid..

Mmm.. you wear that hat around Xzibit's kid and you're going to wear it. Wait, no, that's not very threatening..

Team Jen.. I was.. or am.. Team Jen, so let's see..
Okay, I think that's reason enough for Jennifer Aniston and I to have a child. You don't see enough baby pirates these days, and that baby pirate looks ready to sail. It'll kick Jessica Watson's ass by 14 years and 5 months or something that's for sure.

Neil Patrick Harris.. loved him in Dr Horrible, let's see what would happen if I loved him and got him pregnant..



That kid would be getting a nose job that's what would happen if I got NPH pregnant. Actually, it probably gets the nose from me, so I shouldn't throw stones.

Amy Winehouse..

And Marilyn Manson..

Those two kids look like members of the same cult.

And finally, to top it all off, this is what would happen, if I had sex with the Mona Lisa and the Mona Lisa gave birth..


That's probably one of the cutest kids. There's something to be said for making love to 16th Century art.

Anyway, it's time for me to go and watch a writer and a cop do their thing.

Oh, and remember you can head over to makemebabies.com to have your own fun. I'd be interested to see what you come up with.

My Comedy Festival 210

Hello ScoFans!

Another Melbourne International Comedy Festival has come and gone, and because I am having technical difficulties with the other thing I wanted to do tonight, I will do a recap of the shows I saw and my experience.


GOOD FRIDAY

Good Friday I saw two shows, first of which was Peter Helliar.


He's dressed like that because his show was called "The Dreamboat Tour". His show had nothing to do with boats, and very little to do with dreams (but it did have something to do with dreams)

I was really looking forward to seeing Pete's show. I always thought he was the star of Rove (International readers will have to excuse me there) and have wanted to see him live for years, but this was the first year in a few years where he's done a full season (usually he'll do one or two nights)

Whenever you look forward to something though, you generally walk away disappointed, and that was how I felt immediately after the show. Looking back on it now though, most of the material was pretty good.. maybe it was just the uncomfortable seating that left me feeling a little cranky.


After grabbing a bite to eat between shows, next we saw Arj Barker.

I saw Arj at my first comedy festival in 2004.. or 2005.. I can't remember. Anyway, he was one of the first comedians I saw at the Comedy Festival and I've seen him five times now. I would have rather not seen him again this year, but we went with someone who isn't really the "Try new things" sort, rather the "Stick with what you know" sort (and when it comes to comedy, he doesn't know much.. because he won't try new things).. and while his show was great, it was pretty similar to all of his other stuff.

I would have rather seen something new and different, but for anyone who hadn't seen him before I'm sure they would have loved it (and would want to see him another three times but NOT a fourth time)

EASTER SATURDAY

Easter Saturday I saw Good Evening: The Sketches of Peter Cook and Dudley More performed by Shaun Micallef and Stephen Curry.

Shawn Micallef has, for a long time, been one of my favourite comedians. He's not really the stand up comedian sort though, more sketches and skit comedy. So when this opportunity came up to see him, I grabbed it with both hands.

And this time, I wasn't disappointed. Both of the guys played their parts very well and put on a very funny, entertaining show.

And that was it, Easter weekend and my comedy festival experience was over.

Or was it?

No, it wasn't.

One of the girls I work with offered me two tickets to see Ross Noble this Friday night just gone because she knew someone who wouldn't be needing them. Try as I might, I couldn't find anyone to go with me, so I went alone (comedy shows.. one more thing I now don't need people for. The list of "Things I don't need people for" grows ever longer)

This show contained the highlight of the festival for me.

Ross was using two Aero bars as air traffic controller stick things (you know.. those orange things) and pretending to be "The Far Air Traffic Controller" and then said at the end of it "Of course, he wouldn't be doing that at the moment"
*Silence from the crowd*
"You people haven't seen the news yet have you? They've grounded planes at airports around the world"
*Weak laughter*
"No I'm serious. They're volcanoes and smoke right across Northern Europe"
*We all start pissing ourselves with laughter- You had me there for a second there Ross, but I think you'll find that scenario is quite unlikely*
"No really, I'm not talking bollocks. It's in Iceland"
*Almost crying with laughter - volcanoes in ICEland? Good one Ross!*

Turns out, he wasn't talking bollocks at that point. He got just as much laughter as he did then for a lot of material he did, when all he was doing is updating us on International news events.

It was all a timing thing really...

If he also was right about the children with rickets forcing people to impale themselves on spikes, I'll be very surprised.

Friday Failures #23 - W's Duty (A YouTube video)

Hello ScoFans!

I decided to share a YouTube video with you for this weeks Friday Failure.

I have been giggling like a 12 year old at it all week, because I am immature and my sense of humor is incredibly juvenile.

Plus, George Bush might not be president any more but he did say a lot of silly things, and I missed a lot of chances to call him a Friday Failure, so this song does it for me..