Making Babies

Hello ScoFans!

Okay, I have a confession to make.

Now I know confessions usually happen on a Wednesday.

Also, I am aware that today is Sunday.

Nevertheless, this needs to be said.

(Yes, I stole that from The Simpsons.. but hey, their material is good so shut it)

Okay.. here goes... I know I've always played the innocent asexual who's sickened by any sort of human contact, but especially sexual contact (if you've only been here not long, you might now know that.. but just run with me)... but the truth is, I am a boy slut.

Not just a boy slut, but to borrow a term from Nine Inch Nails, a Starfucker.

Boom... twist...

And, because I've had to sit and look at pictures of your kids (those of you who have kids), I'm now going to pull out my photo album and share my offspring with you...

This is a son I had with Tina Fey... what?... You can see the ad for "makemebabies.com" in the bottom corner there? The jig is up already?

Can I at least keep playing the game?

No?

Damn.

Okay.

Okay, so yep, after I posted a few weeks ago about my slight crush on Tina Fey, Andhari pointed out that both myself and Tina have awesome qualities, and I said to her "Imagine the weird, awkward, geeky children we would have." (actually we might have been talking about Liz Lemon).. anyway, I found a website that allowed me to bring those weird, awkward, geeky children to life, and that is our son right there. Our daughter is below.




Yeah.. they look pretty much the same. They must be twins.

At least, to the male eye they look identical.. Mums everywhere reading this blog probably spotted 5 differences with just a glance.

So, while I was on the site, I thought I'd check out what other celebrities are there. Who else could I have some fun with?

Who the hell would be under X?


That is what my baby daughter with Xzibit would look like. That is one mean ass looking kid. If your kid goes to school with that kid, your kid is going to get a lot of wedgies. And if you come to our place to complain about your kid being bullied, Xzibit is going to give you a wedgie too.

Or maybe the kid will. Because she's just that bad ass. Really. I think she'd even give Mr T a run for his money.

Fellow "Australian" Nicole Kidman was on their site.. let's see what an Aussie baby looks like..

Ugh.. oh no!

It's like some sort of.. alien almost. Look at the shape of it's head. In fact, it reminds me of her ex husband Tom Cruise.

Speaking of Tom..

Oh wow. That looks even freakier than Nicole's baby. Wow. This is not a good streak for me. I mean, the kids with Tina Fey were adorable, but everything since then.. do you think it's my fault? Do you think my genes are grossifying these poor kids?

Well let's see how a baby with Tom's new wife would look..

Okay. Well that's an improvement. Although for some reason Katie decided we needed to put a leash on our child. I don't know, maybe it's a Scientologist thing... but then Tom didn't put a leash on his kid.

I guess a leash could never contain that kid though. That's the sort of kid you need to keep in a cage under the stairs.

After that I decided to check out a few bloggosphere favorites.

I know there are a few Lady Gaga fans out there, so I thought for your benefit, I'd see what a baby I had with The Ga would look like.

Yeah that's your fault. If you find that image disturbing then that one's on you. If you find it cute.. well, yeah, I know, isn't it?

Jonny Depp, he's another one that seems to have a few fans around..

She looks like she could grow up to play one of those creepy british kids in those horror movies. You know the ones.

Jensen Ackles is next for the Supernatural fans..

That kid almost looks like something Dean should be hunting. Look at the egg shaped head. Although mum has often told me never to wear baseball caps because it highlights how egg shaped my head is, so maybe the baby gets that from me.

Susan Boyle, she was big for awhile around the blog world yeah? Every second blog you visited would have her on there. Well, let's see what ghastly creature she would create..

Actually that one is very cute. It looks like she could play an elf in a Christmas movie (I'm casting any of the cute kids into movie roles, the rest get locked in the basement)

Paris Hilton. Yeah, you knew it had to come to this. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie..


Those are two kids, especially Nicole's kid, with big foreheads which indicates big brains. Again, they must that get from me, because they certainly don't get it from their mothers.

Arnie is there, surely he would have a kid that could match it with Xzibit's kid..

Mmm.. you wear that hat around Xzibit's kid and you're going to wear it. Wait, no, that's not very threatening..

Team Jen.. I was.. or am.. Team Jen, so let's see..
Okay, I think that's reason enough for Jennifer Aniston and I to have a child. You don't see enough baby pirates these days, and that baby pirate looks ready to sail. It'll kick Jessica Watson's ass by 14 years and 5 months or something that's for sure.

Neil Patrick Harris.. loved him in Dr Horrible, let's see what would happen if I loved him and got him pregnant..



That kid would be getting a nose job that's what would happen if I got NPH pregnant. Actually, it probably gets the nose from me, so I shouldn't throw stones.

Amy Winehouse..

And Marilyn Manson..

Those two kids look like members of the same cult.

And finally, to top it all off, this is what would happen, if I had sex with the Mona Lisa and the Mona Lisa gave birth..


That's probably one of the cutest kids. There's something to be said for making love to 16th Century art.

Anyway, it's time for me to go and watch a writer and a cop do their thing.

Oh, and remember you can head over to makemebabies.com to have your own fun. I'd be interested to see what you come up with.

My Comedy Festival 210

Hello ScoFans!

Another Melbourne International Comedy Festival has come and gone, and because I am having technical difficulties with the other thing I wanted to do tonight, I will do a recap of the shows I saw and my experience.


GOOD FRIDAY

Good Friday I saw two shows, first of which was Peter Helliar.


He's dressed like that because his show was called "The Dreamboat Tour". His show had nothing to do with boats, and very little to do with dreams (but it did have something to do with dreams)

I was really looking forward to seeing Pete's show. I always thought he was the star of Rove (International readers will have to excuse me there) and have wanted to see him live for years, but this was the first year in a few years where he's done a full season (usually he'll do one or two nights)

Whenever you look forward to something though, you generally walk away disappointed, and that was how I felt immediately after the show. Looking back on it now though, most of the material was pretty good.. maybe it was just the uncomfortable seating that left me feeling a little cranky.


After grabbing a bite to eat between shows, next we saw Arj Barker.

I saw Arj at my first comedy festival in 2004.. or 2005.. I can't remember. Anyway, he was one of the first comedians I saw at the Comedy Festival and I've seen him five times now. I would have rather not seen him again this year, but we went with someone who isn't really the "Try new things" sort, rather the "Stick with what you know" sort (and when it comes to comedy, he doesn't know much.. because he won't try new things).. and while his show was great, it was pretty similar to all of his other stuff.

I would have rather seen something new and different, but for anyone who hadn't seen him before I'm sure they would have loved it (and would want to see him another three times but NOT a fourth time)

EASTER SATURDAY

Easter Saturday I saw Good Evening: The Sketches of Peter Cook and Dudley More performed by Shaun Micallef and Stephen Curry.

Shawn Micallef has, for a long time, been one of my favourite comedians. He's not really the stand up comedian sort though, more sketches and skit comedy. So when this opportunity came up to see him, I grabbed it with both hands.

And this time, I wasn't disappointed. Both of the guys played their parts very well and put on a very funny, entertaining show.

And that was it, Easter weekend and my comedy festival experience was over.

Or was it?

No, it wasn't.

One of the girls I work with offered me two tickets to see Ross Noble this Friday night just gone because she knew someone who wouldn't be needing them. Try as I might, I couldn't find anyone to go with me, so I went alone (comedy shows.. one more thing I now don't need people for. The list of "Things I don't need people for" grows ever longer)

This show contained the highlight of the festival for me.

Ross was using two Aero bars as air traffic controller stick things (you know.. those orange things) and pretending to be "The Far Air Traffic Controller" and then said at the end of it "Of course, he wouldn't be doing that at the moment"
*Silence from the crowd*
"You people haven't seen the news yet have you? They've grounded planes at airports around the world"
*Weak laughter*
"No I'm serious. They're volcanoes and smoke right across Northern Europe"
*We all start pissing ourselves with laughter- You had me there for a second there Ross, but I think you'll find that scenario is quite unlikely*
"No really, I'm not talking bollocks. It's in Iceland"
*Almost crying with laughter - volcanoes in ICEland? Good one Ross!*

Turns out, he wasn't talking bollocks at that point. He got just as much laughter as he did then for a lot of material he did, when all he was doing is updating us on International news events.

It was all a timing thing really...

If he also was right about the children with rickets forcing people to impale themselves on spikes, I'll be very surprised.

Friday Failures #23 - W's Duty (A YouTube video)

Hello ScoFans!

I decided to share a YouTube video with you for this weeks Friday Failure.

I have been giggling like a 12 year old at it all week, because I am immature and my sense of humor is incredibly juvenile.

Plus, George Bush might not be president any more but he did say a lot of silly things, and I missed a lot of chances to call him a Friday Failure, so this song does it for me..

What It Would Take (May contain traces of Lemon - *Bam*!)

Hello ScoFans!

The inspiration for today's post came from a conversation between my mother, my brother and myself.

We were talking about a girl we knew who had become engaged. This wasn't the first time for her, she'd been engaged about a year earlier (in fact, she got engaged on the day she was supposed to marry the first guy), and mum was finding the whole thing a bit hard to follow and came to us for an opinion.

Because if you want a clear view on romantic goings on, you come to me.

This was the conversation.

Mum: "I wonder what he's thinking getting engaged to her"
Me: "He's probably thinking it's a good idea and he wants to spend his life before"
Mum: "But she was only just engaged and decided she didn't like it. What would you do if you were in his position?"
Me: "I'd think engaging her seems like a good way to get rid of her. If anyone had been around me for that long, I'd be looking for an escape route and obviously the engagement thing has worked before"
Mum: "Do you think he just thinks it won't happen to him? Because he's better?"
Me: "I'd be thinking *I hope she leaves soon*. And then she'd be all *This is over, I can't do this* and I'd be all *Righto then. Bye. Have a good one*"
Brother: *Laughing his ass off* "I don't even know how you'd let it get to that point"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe I got a multiplayer Xbox game and had nobody to play against"
Brother: *More laughing* "I think that'd be the only way it'd happen"

But I've been thinking, maybe there are more ways than just that one that I could get engaged. I mean I already was.. once... technically.. remember?

So here's a list of some of the things it would take for it to happen to me..

- helping a friend out, like last time

- Tina Fey getting divorced
- it could lead to an early retirement.

- I decided it was worth giving up my freedom to have someone to split the cleaning with

- I was being held against my will

- There were free comedy shows involved (yes, I can be bought.. apparently)

- Visual exhibit:
Yep, those two have the perfect relationship.

- I thought it would make good blog fodder

- If I ever met Liz Lemon

Hmm.. she looks a lot like Tina Fey. I never noticed until I put them side by side like this. They even dress alike. And they appear to be standing in the same wedding dress shop. Imagine that.

- When having my freedom stops being fun


I guess the other thing that bought this post about was a friend I haven't talked to in a few years added me on Facebook and of course asked the "Still single?" question, and I was like "Even if I was interested in meeting someone, I've spent this weekend in my pyjamas playing video games and watching 30 Rock (like I needed to tell you guys that) - where would I meet this person?"

Yep, life is awesome.

Canberra in Pictures

Hello ScoFans!

Before I wrap up the week in Canberra by showing you the pictures taken post conference, I'd just like to thank those of you who told me I'm never allowed to travel again. I said late last year I don't like travelling, one of the girls at work was trying to send me to overseas, and now if she ever tries again I can print of your comments and say "I think you'll find my readers won't allow me to travel. And they know what's best for me, right?"

That being said, next years conference is in New Zealand, which for those of you who don't know it's the very eastern part of Australia.

So let's recap my sight seeing part of the week.

Thursday

I caught a taxi out to the National Film and Sound archives. When we got close to the building the taxi driver kept asking me for directions and I'm like "Isn't it your job to know where we're going? I'm from Melbourne. I don't know where anything is"



I think I've mentioned "Picnic At Hanging Rock" around these parts before. It's a great movie, and those costumes were the highlight of the NFSA for me.

Then I went back to the Parlimentary Circle type area and checked out Questacon first, and then walked around Old Parliment House and Parliment House.

Oh, and I saw your mum at Questacon. What, she didn't tell you I said hi? *Bam!*


That's old Parliament House. From the front and across the road.




That's Parliament House. See how there's the grass hills up the side? Well you can actually walk up there and stand on top of Parliament House, which I think should be mandatory for every Government building.


There's the view from the top of Parliament House, looking away from the city.

In Canberra there is also a gift we receive from the very generous United States. It's a cement eagle sitting on top of a tall pole. Really, thanks guys, it's exactly what we needed.


That's the Eagle there. That tall skinny one.


And that's me there, giving a bird of my own. You're welcome.

Friday was pretty quiet. Mum and dad came up late in the day and we went and got tickets for the art exhibition that was on at the National Gallery. The paintings have traveled here from France or somewhere like that, and it's caused all sorts of chaos. These are a few pictures from the line on Saturday morning (we got there and 9:30 - it opened at 10)


That was what was in front of us. It goes up around the bend there.

That was behind us. We'd started moving by this point, because the thing we were behind in the other picture we've now moved past.


That's my dad, knowing his place and giving me the royal treatment I deserve while I was tweeting about having to wait in line.

And yes, I am wearing two long sleeved shirts only to roll the sleeves on both of them up. It might be impractical, but it's a style.

It took us two and a half hours to get inside, and when we did we weren't allowed to take pictures, so I've downloaded from the Internet my favourite of the ones that were in there for you to look at.

There were Van Gogh's, Monet's and Picasso's, but it was "Rest" by Vilhelm Hammershoi I really liked.

The other thing I found amusing was Edouard Vuillard did a portrait of Felix Vallotton which looked like this..


And Felix said "As if, that doesn't even look like me dickhead" so he painted his own portrait..

I think the first one is more accurate. With the blurry face.

On the Sunday we went to the mint and learned how to make coins, before making our own coins. It's actually pretty easy.. you just put $3.00 into the machine, press a button and BAM!.. a dollar comes out.

On the way home we stopped at the "Dog on the Tuckerbox"


There are a few stories about why there is a tribute to a dog on a tuckerbox here.

The first, and the one my mum heard growing up, is that the dog was waiting for the owner at the pub, but the owner died inside and didn't come out. The dog sat by the owners tuckerbox (lunch box) waiting for him to return, and refused to eat or move until the dog died as well.

The second, the one written in the poems around the dog, describes a very bad day the owner was having. It gets to lunch time, the owner thinks "Great. Some food and a break", only to come back and find the dog shat in the tuckerbox.

Which one is true? Who knows?

What I do know is there was some of the best graffiti I have seen in a bathroom ever at the bathrooms here.


Thanks, because until now I'd thought he was a pretty nice guy.



Wise words. Perhaps too wise for a bathroom wall in the middle of nowhere.

So that's it, my Canberra trip all posted about. I'll throw in one more pic of me as a freebie because the other two weren't great.

There I am standing on PH with Dad. I rolled one lot of sleeves down, it must have been cold.

Anyway, that's it from me. The cats are pretty close to the hawks and I have to see how this ends.