I was thinking of making this my first ever "TMI" post, but then I realised I don't do them, and that this would be just as good for a Friday Failure. Be warned though, it does get a little.. gross..
Remember a few months back when I told you I always meet the strangest people when I venture away from home?
Sure you do, the guy who bummed his dog? Yeah, you remember. (If you missed it, well.. then you should have got here earlier)
Well fear not ScoFans, my trip to Canberra has added another to the growing list of oddities I've encountered on vacation.
And this one may be the freakiest yet ("freakiest yet".. like I expect to meet someone freakier. I hope not).
It was just after the conference. The ones who were going to the airport had left. I had just said goodbye to the girl who's husband had drive up and was meeting her at the conference center, and I decided to cut through the mall
So I'm walking through the mall on my own and as I'm almost as the road, there's a guy walking the other way also on his own. So I shot him a nod and a smile and went to keep going. He reached out and shook my hand and held on.
I should remind you that I'm from a country town, and that's what you do when you walk past someone in a country town. You smile at each other, maybe a friendly not and you keep going. I forgot for a moment that I was in a city. Where all the freaks live.
So here's the start of the conversation that followed (what I was thinking is in italics)
Me: Hello Can I go now?
Him: What's your name?
Me: Sco, and yours? Okay, so we'll do a quick introduction and then I can go.
Him: Steve (Not his real name) Do you like women?
Me: What answer will get me out of this fastest? Yes.
Him: Okay, because some men don't like women.
Me: Okay Think of a reason you have to leave dammit!
Him: Maybe we can be friends?
Me: I have to go back to Melbourne in two days. I'm only visiting Canberra. That should do it. He knows I don't live here. He knows I don't do dudes. What else could he want?
Him: I'll give you my email address and we can keep in touch.
Me: Sure. Nope.
Him: And you can give me your email address as well?
Me: Making up a fake email address will be easy No worries.
Him: Can I have your phone number?
Me: Okay Yeah, just do plus one on most digits, that's the easiest way to make up a phony number
Him: Can I take some photos of you to go in my phone? Then I can put one on the contact.
Me: Yeah you can do that. This is going to make an awesome blog.
*He takes the pictures, moving my arms and legs and posing them in the positions he wants them in*
Him: Now you can take some pictures of me?
Me: Yeah sure. Jackpot! Evidence for my blog. My readers will love this.
*I take the pictures. See below*
I wasn't going to use the pictures on this blog, but when I told mum about my latest holiday freak she said "So he has pictures of you? They'll be all over the Internet!" (because she's like that).. and I thought "You know what? They might be. So I'm gonna put my pics of him up too."
So anyway, he showed me his pics of me, I showed him 3 of my pics of him (I accidentally took the top right one up there. If I showed him four he might have wondered how that happened when he only posed for three), and as he's looking again at the pics of me on his phone.. dude's hand go inside his pants. And there's movement at the station (and it wasn't until after I left and looked the pictures later, that I thought "That picture I took by accident.. his hands look pretty suss there too")
So he keeps talking and his hands keep moving and I can't think of a good reason to go and he's holding onto my backpack (I forget why) so I can't just leg it because my camera's in there and my iTouch too, and I ain't leaving them behind, and after a little bit finally I realise there is no more blog fodder to be had, I need to get the hell out of here.
Me: So I should go. I'm here for a conference and my coworkers are waiting for me at the hotel.
Him: *Pulling his hand out of his pants to shake mine* Okay, well it was nice meeting you Sco.
Me: Nice meeting you too Steve No way I'm touching that thing.
I learned a valueable lesson that day. Don't make eye contact with anyone in the city.
Or, if you are going to, make sure you have your iPod on so that if they try to talk to you you can just keep walking and pretend you didn't hear them.
Case in point.
The Thursday after the conference I was walking home from work and a car pulled up a bit ahead of me coming the other day. I thought nothing of it, there's shops there, I thought they must have been going shopping.
But as I walked past the car the girls inside all started yelling shit like "What's crackin?" and "What's cookin?" and stuff, and then I heard the brains in the backseat say "He can't hear you, he's got his iPod on"
Why is it that on the schoolbus the smart ones sit up the front and the troublemakers are up the back, but when it comes to P Platers (which is people who have just got their licences in Australia) the troublemakers sit up the front, and the brains of the group sits in the back?
Anyway, there are probably lots of guys who would have loved to have a car of P Plater girls yelling at them, but I was happy to just ignore them and keep walking. I wanted to get home. Plus I don't like people.
And thanks to my iPod, I could get away with such snobbery without looking like the jerk that we all know I am.
So today you have learned that the iPod is great if you don't like people. But there's one other thing I have learned for these two experiences.
White and nerdy is in.
I know I've used that video before, but I love it. Weird Al and Big Bang.. two of my favourite things.
Anyway, I should go. I'm heading out over Easter to watch comedy shows tonight and tomorrow night, followed by Football on Sunday.
Because that's what Easter is about right?
Laughing and yelling at the traitor who switched clubs at the end of last season?
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