Doin' time

That's the window. That's where they'll hold me. That's where I'll be kicking and screaming and pleading with them.
"But I didn't do it!"
"We have evidence that suggests you did"
"I don't know these people"
"Really? Then I guess this is the part where we take your word for it and just let you go is it?"
"But I'm innocent, I swear"
"Sit back down. We still have more questions to ask you."
For those who don't recognise the building, that is the J. Edgar Hoover building. FBI Headquarters. And they're coming for me, or so they say.
I told one of my coworkers to be prepared for an army of men in suits to flood the office and drag me away. She told me she wouldn't visit me while I served my sentence, which I don't mind because I know she has a fear of flying (but my American readers will of course visit me, won't you? I'd hate to get lonely whilst incarcirated in your country.)


It all started with an email, which I have pasted for you to read below. The email is long, so I have highlighted some of the best parts (I started to do grammatical errors, but there are far too many of those) Either skip to them or choose a song below and sit back for an interesting ride.
(Oh, and this is the third time I've received this email)

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Date: 22/02/2009

ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,

This is an official advice from the FBI foreign Remittance/telegraphic dept. it has come to our notice that the C.B.N bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 us dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means. The C.B.N bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the United Kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment s.t.d.p to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.

They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which was made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment?
Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a word wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary scrutiny by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.

We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody ,until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.

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We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive. Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name , but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you. Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to
credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds.

So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you dont have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.

This Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you dont have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom U.K, because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by H.S.B.C Bank in London.

An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, naturalization, or military service.

This Condition Is Valid until 27th of FEB. 2009 after we shall take actions on canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria.

Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document.

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Final Instruction:

1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee.
2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared.
3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A. can only release funds.
4. Upon confirmation from the world bank/united nations.
5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request.

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NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive.

The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A.

An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country, i.e. Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history background, etc.)


FBI Director
Robert S. Mueller, III

So there you have it my pets. I could soon be locked up in a Federal Prison in the United States. Perhaps even Guantánamo Bay (sure it's closing soon, but it's not closed yet). All because I'm a terrorist, and at the moment the US aren't sure whether they want to threaten me, such as early in the email, or help me, as happens later in the email. Maybe they were playing "Good cop, bad cop" and the email was actually written by two different agents. Neither of them passed English in High School however.

And it's always the Nigerians too. You can't trust them. They're always secretly moving money in our out of the country. Whether it's a Prince or a terrorist, you just don't know.

My favourite story about the Nigerian prince by the way is when that email was sent to someone, they sent an email back saying "Sorry, my bank won't accept a transfer that big unless I have $1,500 in the bank.".. so the scammer sent them a cheque for $1,500.

But, enough of the fun and games. I don't think even The Black Fanta (also known as "Mambo Turkish Delight") can get out of this one. This could be the last time you all hear from me. Soon the men in the black suits will come for me and I'll never be heard from again.

So remember me my pets, not as the poor little Australian boy accused of using a Secret Diplomatic Transfer Payment to move funds from the United Kingdom through Nigeria to the United States before being asked to present a bunch of documents he didn't have to the FBI. No, remember me as the wonderful person I am, who tried to use their blog as best they could to entertain and to brighten your days.

PS If anyone living in the States wants to bring me a cake in prison, I enjoy chocolate cake with a file or power tool in the middle.