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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Don't Move North and be a Canadian, Hang Down Low With Them Nice Australians

Hello ScoFans!

First off, good news. I have found someone to finally finish that story from way back. The original fourth member of the team is currently unable to write, so I searched my mind for a deserving fifth, and I've found one, who has agreed to the role. You can look forward to finally having it all resolved next week.

This week, as you may have guessed from the title, I'm hitting back at the "Franco Unamerican" song (timely, I know. Look out Pokerface, I'm coming for you in five years!)

For anyone who doesn't know, or has forgotten the song, this is it here...

Now, I have a problem with that bit at the end there. Why would anyone move to Canada when Australia is an alternative? It's not like we're equals, we're way awesomer than them and that. And as long as you don't come here on a leaky boat, we'll welcome you with open arms (Too soon? Seriously though, we should have let them people in sooner.. but hey, this blog isn't about politics)

But what have Canada ever given the world?

Alanis Morrisette and Avril Lavigne.

One woman who needs to pull out a dictionary and look up the definition of irony and another who spells with numbers (I'm sorry but a free ride when you've already paid is not ironic. I think the word you're looking for is "idiotic". Ditto for "good advice that you just didn't take". And the old man who won the lottery and then died, again not ironic, but perhaps tragic) Between the two of them, the little Canadians have no hope of grasping the English language in all its glory. You don't want to school your kids in Canada, obviously.

(Oh, and I know I spelt prove wrong a few weeks ago and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but it is hot in here and I think the breeze will do me good)

So come to Australia. We've got room. But before you arrive, there's a few things you need to know.

1 / You need to be careful what you say to Australians, because we've all be programmed a bit differently to the rest of the world.

For example, say you go out one night and you meet someone. You have a good night, you exchange numbers and everything but then you find out they're leaving the next day for a few months for their work. Now normally, you ask someone "Am I ever going to see your face again?" after an evening like that and it's all romantic and sweet. But you ask an Australian, and as much as they might want to say something sweet in reply, and much as they might search for the perfect words to make you melt (and I already hear my Australian readers saying it, waiting for me to get to the line) and you'll get the response..


We can't help it. It's in our blood. It's in our culture.

It all started in 1976 when The Angels released a song "Am I ever gonna see your face again?", and Australians, being Australians, decided that sounds a lot like a question. And every question needs an answer.

Don't believe me? Firstly, why not? Have I ever lied to you before?

And secondly, here is the clearest version I have found of it.

The Angels themselves have never said those words. It started with an audience, and Australian audiences have carried it 33 years (that's longer than I've been alive). Because that's the kind of people we are. We value tradition. (Maybe Gen Y don't because I tweeted and Facebooked "Am I ever gonna see your face again?" and nobody told me to get fucked or fuck off. You people should all be ashamed of yourselves)

2/ There is a difference that will only affect people who know sign language. While some signs are universal and some are country specific (so I've been told), there is one sign that only Australia has, because we're the only country that sees a need for it.

That sign looks a little bit like this..

Oh yes, those are my arms. Sexy, I know. Also I don't know why it's so dark, it didn't look like that on my computer. And the sound is the fan. As I said, hot in here.

Anyway, what that sign mean, and remember we are the only country in the world who has found a use for it, nobody else thinks it's worth having, and what it means is "Fuck you. Fuck the lot of you"

So if any of the rest of you want to piss off a bunch of deaf people in one hit, you can't. But here in Australia we're about efficiency.

So ask yourselves, do you want to live in a country where the school system is obviously below par?

Or do you want to live in a country that values it's culture and traditions. That is building efficiencies as well as expanding the communication with those who are unable to hear.

I think the choice is clear.

Fuck Canada. Australia fucking rocks!

Until next week...

Just kidding. Love you all.


  1. As an American I was programmed to discriminate against the Canadians. As a South African, I am programed to discrimate against the Austrailians.

    the end.

  2. I'm going to do that sign to people in the street now.

  3. I love Down Under. I have several friends from Australia and I world move there in a heartbeat if I had a reason too. But I don't. So I will just keep on watching The Crocodile Hunter for my Aussie fix by crackie (or how ever you spell it.)

  4. That song should be called "Isn't It A Bummer" instead of "Isn't It A Bummer". My kids really want to go to Australia. I can put them on a plane if you'd like....,

  5. Well said! I've never been, but everyone I've met from your land far-far away is awesome. Just don't mix Aussies up with New Zealanders. OMG. lol

  6. It's not like we're equals, we're way awesomer than them and that.


  7. i do love australia

    i do

    but i feel bad for the canadians - it's like they're the dorks on the playground and i feel bad for them


    it's the mother in me

  8. Sco, I feel baaaaaaaddd. i can write for you but it may take longer, my mood is just completely jeopardized at the moment :( i can only write meaningless stuff now :(
    i owe you one though..

  9. the "dorks on the playground" don't need anyone to "feel bad" for them! Dorks grow up to be successful. Dumb Jocks (you know who I'm talking about) and Loners (do I need to be more specific?) are really the ones to worry about:p

  10. Hey, time out everyone. I happen to be married to a Canadian. So technically, I do %$#^* Canadians. Sounds like Scoman needs a "I'm Special" plate. :)

  11. Don't tell people to move here, we want this place all for ourselves!!!!!!

    So yes, to everyone wanting to move here FUCK OFF!!!! we don't want you!!!!

    Seriously, it's not about the space, it's about the resources and we can't support the people we already have - says me here -

  12. i would much rather move to australia than canada, if for nothing else just because of the cool hats.

  13. I will just keep on watching The Crocodile Hunter.

    Work from home India

  14. love it!!! Australia is WAY better.


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