Do I Dare?

Hello ScoFans!

Well, I was thinking about not writing a post this week. I'm not in a "writing zone" right now and all of the ideas I had scribble in my notepad (yes I do that), I knew if I tried them I wouldn't do them justice.

But like Captain Hammer says "When you're the best, you can't rest, what's the use?" and so I'm pressing on with a post, that, I think for the first time ever, is going to be focused on a movie.

Not just any movie, the first movie I've been excited about since "He Died With A Felafel In His Hand", which was released some 15 years ago and is the only Australian movie in my DVD collection.



So what is this movie I'm looking forward to?

Griff The Invisible

What's it about? Glad you asked (those of you who haven't gone "Yeah, okay pal, I'm not reading about some movie" and hit the big X at the top of the screen)

Actually before I tell you what it's about, on a comedy show here last week they had a game where they had to come up with titles for Australian vampire movies. My two personal favorites were "Hey True Blue Blood", and, one which I think speaks to the core of the typical Australian male.. "That Poofter Just Bit My Neck"

What was I talking about? Oh right. Griff.

See, the reason I went "off topic" there, is because there isn't really a lot of information about Griff at this stage (and so what I was doing is a little thing we in the biz call "padding". What biz? I don't know. But I am padding again. Seamless the way I manage to do that, isn't it?)

Okay, so Griff, from what I understand, is a superhero. I don't know what his powers might be, I bet some of you are thinking "Duh, invisibility", but I'm going to have to throw out a "I don't think so" on that one.

This is a quote from the star of the film..

“By day, Griff works in an office. By night, he is a superhero - or is he? It was this question that attracted me to the role. Griff is such an original and boundless character to play"

That question.. Is he a superhero? I think that may mean he is invisible in the sense that nobody would look at him twice, he's just another faceless office worker, rather than it referring to a power he has.

Or maybe I'm over analyzing.

Now, ladies, I know you are probably rolling your eyes because you've now read all this far and it turns out to be about some superhero, but don't worry. There's something there for you too.

“It is a super hero movie and it is a comedy, but at its core it’s a simple love story about two very unique individuals finding each other and giving the other the strength to be what they want to be,” said director Leon Ford from set

Aw.. isn't that sweet? A love story.

Still not into it girls? Well, there is going to of course be an Aussie actor playing Griff. Some of you might know him, from what I understand he's a bit of a big deal..

Yes, it's star of True Blood, Ryan Kwanten.

There, now I think there's something everybody will enjoy. A super hero story for the lads and a love story with Ryan Kwanten for the ladies.

And just an FYI, that's what all Australians look like with their shirts off. And not just the men either, the ladies as well.

(Sorry Alyssa, Sal, Catt and Jewels. And if there's another other Australian girls reading this, that either means I forgot about you, or that is what you look like with your shirt off)

So, do I dare get excited about another Australian movie? Our movies are usually pretty awful, but the last time I was excited about one I really enjoyed it.

Yes, I think I will look forward to the release of Griff as well.

With a release in mid to late 2010 though, it's going to be quite a wait.

Oh well, this arrives on Thursday, that should keep me entertained until then..

Until Friday...

Don't Move North and be a Canadian, Hang Down Low With Them Nice Australians

Hello ScoFans!

First off, good news. I have found someone to finally finish that story from way back. The original fourth member of the team is currently unable to write, so I searched my mind for a deserving fifth, and I've found one, who has agreed to the role. You can look forward to finally having it all resolved next week.

This week, as you may have guessed from the title, I'm hitting back at the "Franco Unamerican" song (timely, I know. Look out Pokerface, I'm coming for you in five years!)

For anyone who doesn't know, or has forgotten the song, this is it here...

Now, I have a problem with that bit at the end there. Why would anyone move to Canada when Australia is an alternative? It's not like we're equals, we're way awesomer than them and that. And as long as you don't come here on a leaky boat, we'll welcome you with open arms (Too soon? Seriously though, we should have let them people in sooner.. but hey, this blog isn't about politics)

But what have Canada ever given the world?

Alanis Morrisette and Avril Lavigne.

One woman who needs to pull out a dictionary and look up the definition of irony and another who spells with numbers (I'm sorry but a free ride when you've already paid is not ironic. I think the word you're looking for is "idiotic". Ditto for "good advice that you just didn't take". And the old man who won the lottery and then died, again not ironic, but perhaps tragic) Between the two of them, the little Canadians have no hope of grasping the English language in all its glory. You don't want to school your kids in Canada, obviously.

(Oh, and I know I spelt prove wrong a few weeks ago and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but it is hot in here and I think the breeze will do me good)

So come to Australia. We've got room. But before you arrive, there's a few things you need to know.

1 / You need to be careful what you say to Australians, because we've all be programmed a bit differently to the rest of the world.

For example, say you go out one night and you meet someone. You have a good night, you exchange numbers and everything but then you find out they're leaving the next day for a few months for their work. Now normally, you ask someone "Am I ever going to see your face again?" after an evening like that and it's all romantic and sweet. But you ask an Australian, and as much as they might want to say something sweet in reply, and much as they might search for the perfect words to make you melt (and I already hear my Australian readers saying it, waiting for me to get to the line) and you'll get the response..

"NO WAY! GET FUCKED! FUCK OFF!"

We can't help it. It's in our blood. It's in our culture.

It all started in 1976 when The Angels released a song "Am I ever gonna see your face again?", and Australians, being Australians, decided that sounds a lot like a question. And every question needs an answer.

Don't believe me? Firstly, why not? Have I ever lied to you before?

And secondly, here is the clearest version I have found of it.

The Angels themselves have never said those words. It started with an audience, and Australian audiences have carried it 33 years (that's longer than I've been alive). Because that's the kind of people we are. We value tradition. (Maybe Gen Y don't because I tweeted and Facebooked "Am I ever gonna see your face again?" and nobody told me to get fucked or fuck off. You people should all be ashamed of yourselves)

2/ There is a difference that will only affect people who know sign language. While some signs are universal and some are country specific (so I've been told), there is one sign that only Australia has, because we're the only country that sees a need for it.

That sign looks a little bit like this..

Oh yes, those are my arms. Sexy, I know. Also I don't know why it's so dark, it didn't look like that on my computer. And the sound is the fan. As I said, hot in here.

Anyway, what that sign mean, and remember we are the only country in the world who has found a use for it, nobody else thinks it's worth having, and what it means is "Fuck you. Fuck the lot of you"

So if any of the rest of you want to piss off a bunch of deaf people in one hit, you can't. But here in Australia we're about efficiency.

So ask yourselves, do you want to live in a country where the school system is obviously below par?

Or do you want to live in a country that values it's culture and traditions. That is building efficiencies as well as expanding the communication with those who are unable to hear.

I think the choice is clear.

Fuck Canada. Australia fucking rocks!

Until next week...

Just kidding. Love you all.

England Strikes Back

Hello ScoFans!

For those of you who missed it, PickNic asked me to write a guest post for her which was posted at her blog yesterday. It was a lot of fun and I thank Nic again for giving me the opportunity to entertain the Nicolytes.

Now, for those of you who haven't read the post, click the link above and travel there now. I took the opportunity to write a letter to the Motherland (England), and I may have been a little not nice to them (but it was all in fun)

However, all in fun or not what kind of a person would I be if I didn't give England the opportunity to reply? I think it's only fair. So now, all the way from England, Nic responds to my post...


G'day Mates!

How are things Down Under? Incidentally, how does it feel to be standing upside down your whole life? Don't you get a head rush?

This letter is a response to the one your beloved ScoMan sent to my country. That's England, by the way, for those of you who don't know. So let me start by responding to some of the issues he addressed in his letter.

Firstly...yeah, we're shit at cricket. But so what? If it wasn't for us you wouldn't even have it. We invented the damn game so surely we can play it how we like! And football, we invented that too. Real football. What the hell is 'Aussie Rules Football'? What, you couldn't grasp the actual rules so you made up your own? Do it properly, for Heaven's sake!

And so what if we can't be bothered to have sex all the time? Ok, we may not be able to claim to have invented that, and maybe we do just prefer to have a nice cup of tea and a sit down now and then. But when we bother to do it, we're good at it. Unfortunately I couldn't find anything online to back this statement up, but according to a recent survey (by me) among English women (my friends), British men are the best in the world when it comes to getting jiggy with it. Admittedly, most of us have only slept with British men, but that's not the point. We enjoyed it. For the most part.

Anyway, you love us really. You can't get enough of us. You even use our flag to make up part of yours. So every time you look at it you're reminded that you used to be British. And probably wish you still were.

So you may have better weather and sit around on the beach all day wearing those hats with the corks hanging down while playing a digeridoo, drinking Fosters and cooking shrimps on the barbie (ok, I know that's just a stereotype). But you have to celebrate Christmas during the summer and that's just plain weird. What the hell does Santa wear over there? Shorts and flip-flops? Does he arrive on a surfboard? And the carols...you can't be singing Let it Snow. I'm guessing the weather outside is far from frightful.

And you know what else? You've got some strange animals down there. A duck-billed platypus? What the hell is that thing? It looks like it's come straight out the pages of a fantasy novel. And I wouldn't like to have to check under the bed for stray possums every night before I went to sleep. You've got kangaroos that kick the shit out of each other and creatures that'll kill you as soon as look at you. Deadly snakes and spiders, scorpions, crocodiles, the lot. Even the cute, innocent-looking koalas have chlamydia.

And all those sheep...oh wait, that's New Zealand, not Australia. Not that there's any difference. And that's probably the most offensive thing I've said in the whole of this letter, so I think I'll just stop typing now.

Tagged! v 4.0

Yes, it's been a few months but I have been tagged again. This time by one of my newest pets, ChinkyGirLMeL from ChinkyMel's Corner.

What I am required to do is unleash 25 truths about myself. On top of the 10 yesterday, that makes 35 truths in two days. That is 17.5 truths each day. If this continues, by this time next year I will have told 6,387.5 truths, and I don't think I have that many.

Anyway, I am putting my own twist on this and giving my truths in a variety of different methods.

FACEBOOK STATUS'S
Facebook status's must have been true at one point or another. I will work through my last five starting with the current and going backwards. These will be my first five truths.
1. is waiting for Mr Turnbull to take away his $950. Why doesn't the single white man with no children ever get any breaks?
2. is loving K Rudd right now (if you gave me $950 I'd love you too).
3. is sweating like a pig.. not to mention looking like a pig, eating like a pig. And don't forget the smell.
4. crack corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!
5. is your friendly neighbourhood atheist.

THE iPOD
The next five will be the first five songs I hear on the iPod when I put it on shuffle.
1. Tool - Disgustipated
2. Tool - Jerk Off
3. Metallica- Astronomy
4. Tomahawk- Laredo
5. Puscifer- Momma Sed

THE TV VIEWING
A list of five TV shows I watch, one for each weeknight
1. The Big Bang Theory
2. Two and a Half Men
3. Criminal Minds
4. Dexter
5. The Simpsons

THE COUNTRY
Five things about my corner down under. This one will be pictures and video I think. Just to make it fun.

1- Yup, that's a real koala. A family put out water for him when he fell out of his tree due to the heat. He drank a little then bathed in it.

2 -Referees, security personnel and would be heroes with their flares from all around the world beware- attend a sports event in Australia and you will be, at some point, a wanker.

3 A real spider eating a real bird. Taken some time late last year.

4 Some scenery from just outside my town.

5 Our Prime Minister, and what I'm pretty sure are X-Ray specs.

FIVE RANDOM FACTS
Just five random facts about my life as they pop into my head.
1- I sleep on the diagonal
2- My boss is back in the country next week after being overseas since Christmas
3- I finised the book "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" today. It took me three days to read, and if I didn't have to work I probably would have read it in one.
4- I can do incredible things with beetroot, rissoles, bread, cheese, lettuce, potatoes and a "George Foreman" grill
5- Every Easter I spend two nights at the "Melbourne International Comedy Festival"

There you go. Twenty five more truths (of sorts)

I'm supposed to tag 25 people now, but my list of Blogs I follow doesn't add up to 25.. so tag! You're all it! And you don't have to do it the way I did, it just has to be 25 Truths.

Someone told me once that there's a right and wrong

Punishment was due for those who dared to cross the line but

It must not, be true

For jerk off's just like you

Maybe it

Takes longer

To catch a

Total asshole

I'm tired of waiting

Tool - Jerk Off