When I was young and stupid (A V-Day post)

Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right
If I kissed you one more time to
Help you face the nightmare
But you're far too poisoned for me
Such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you..
A Perfect Circle- Sleeping Beauty

When I was young and stupid, I met a girl. She had a boyfriend at the time, though I could tell their relationship wasn't exactly a perfect one. For example, perhaps a month into the friendship she said I should move to Asia with her where she would teach English and I would do whatever.

I asked if her boyfriend would have a problem with her dragging some other guy along with them and she was like "Oh no, when I do this he's not coming with me. We've already decided that" They'd been together like three years but hey, whatever.

Anyway, not long after, they broke up. She started to hang around me a lot because I was the one friend she had who didn't know her boyfriend, therefore, hanging around with me didn't bring back memories of him.

In time, she got depressed. I later found out she was bipolar to boot. She thought she'd never find anyone else, and would end up alone.

So, I thought to myself (remember, I was young and stupid), "Poor girl. She just wants a little male attention. I should just flirt with her, get her confidence back, and she'll go out and find a nice boy"

I remember being at lunch one day with her and one of her friends, and I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she said "She just said I was flirting with you"
I said "Of course you were, you always do"
She looked very embarrased and perhaps a little upset.
Before I smiled and added "But I'm always flirting with you too"
She looked so happy in that moment. I think that was the first time I saw her happy.

Ladies, some of you are probably reading this now and thinking "You idiot" Yes, yes I was an idiot. A MASSIVE idiot. But, I had told her many times during the friendship that I was living a life of being "eternally single", so I thought she understood we would be nothing more than friends.

I remember now telling her about guys who were checking her out. She'd always find some flaw in them. Some reason they weren't her type. And then eventually, one day she said "But he's not you"

I didn't know what to do, so I just said "So few people are"

Over the next few months she kept telling me she had a crush on me. I kept pushing her back with bad jokes. I kept thinking "If I keep her happy, she'll move her affection to another guy and find love"

I was young and stupid, I didn't realise she wasn't thinking the same way.

Over time we moved apart (geographically). When she moved away she got depressed again, and so I kept in constant contact with her.

One day she asked me "Do you think we would ever have a chance of making something happen romantically?"
I didn't know how to answer. She was already depressed. I thought, a lie was the best response. It would give her some hope of finding someone in her new town. Remember, I was young and stupid.
"Of course," I said "You're an awesome girl"

I knew it would come back to bite me.

"So what the fuck was all that eternally single bullshit then?"

That was it. She disappeared from my life. I think it was best for both of us. I was too nice to ever force her away, and she was never going to let go.

She came back recently. She has been dating the same guy for the last two years. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told her I wasn't. "Such a loner" she said.

I've been wondering lately if I let a chance to find love go. Maybe I could have had something with her. She's the girl I mentioned in my "Twenty Steps to a Working Relationship" So maybe I could have loved her. Maybe I could have found happiness with another person.

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself I'm capable of feeling love. Of feeling anything. I'm like the kid at school asking his parents why he doesn't have the cool new racecar toy all his friends have. "Mummy, daddy, how come I don't have a heart?"

But mummy and daddy can't afford to buy me a heart this month. Mummy has just lost her job and daddy is paying bills to keep his parents in hospital.

So, because I'll never own that cool new toy, I run around in a cardboard box, make the noises and pretend.

"The minute people fall in love, they become liars" - Harlan Ellison

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
The song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason.
Slipknot- Vermillion Part II