Fridays Failures #22 - I told you I was Freaky (You didn't believe me)

Hello ScoFans!

I was thinking of making this my first ever "TMI" post, but then I realised I don't do them, and that this would be just as good for a Friday Failure. Be warned though, it does get a little.. gross..

Remember a few months back when I told you I always meet the strangest people when I venture away from home?

Sure you do, the guy who bummed his dog? Yeah, you remember. (If you missed it, well.. then you should have got here earlier)

Well fear not ScoFans, my trip to Canberra has added another to the growing list of oddities I've encountered on vacation.

And this one may be the freakiest yet ("freakiest yet".. like I expect to meet someone freakier. I hope not).

It was just after the conference. The ones who were going to the airport had left. I had just said goodbye to the girl who's husband had drive up and was meeting her at the conference center, and I decided to cut through the mall

So I'm walking through the mall on my own and as I'm almost as the road, there's a guy walking the other way also on his own. So I shot him a nod and a smile and went to keep going. He reached out and shook my hand and held on.

I should remind you that I'm from a country town, and that's what you do when you walk past someone in a country town. You smile at each other, maybe a friendly not and you keep going. I forgot for a moment that I was in a city. Where all the freaks live.

So here's the start of the conversation that followed (what I was thinking is in italics)

Him: Hello
Me: Hello Can I go now?
Him: What's your name?
Me: Sco, and yours? Okay, so we'll do a quick introduction and then I can go.
Him: Steve (Not his real name) Do you like women?
Me: What answer will get me out of this fastest? Yes.
Him: Okay, because some men don't like women.
Me: Okay Think of a reason you have to leave dammit!
Him: Maybe we can be friends?
Me: I have to go back to Melbourne in two days. I'm only visiting Canberra. That should do it. He knows I don't live here. He knows I don't do dudes. What else could he want?
Him: I'll give you my email address and we can keep in touch.
Me: Sure. Nope.
Him: And you can give me your email address as well?
Me: Making up a fake email address will be easy No worries.
Him: Can I have your phone number?
Me: Okay Yeah, just do plus one on most digits, that's the easiest way to make up a phony number
Him: Can I take some photos of you to go in my phone? Then I can put one on the contact.
Me: Yeah you can do that. This is going to make an awesome blog.

*He takes the pictures, moving my arms and legs and posing them in the positions he wants them in*

Him: Now you can take some pictures of me?
Me: Yeah sure. Jackpot! Evidence for my blog. My readers will love this.

*I take the pictures. See below*

I wasn't going to use the pictures on this blog, but when I told mum about my latest holiday freak she said "So he has pictures of you? They'll be all over the Internet!" (because she's like that).. and I thought "You know what? They might be. So I'm gonna put my pics of him up too."

So anyway, he showed me his pics of me, I showed him 3 of my pics of him (I accidentally took the top right one up there. If I showed him four he might have wondered how that happened when he only posed for three), and as he's looking again at the pics of me on his phone.. dude's hand go inside his pants. And there's movement at the station (and it wasn't until after I left and looked the pictures later, that I thought "That picture I took by accident.. his hands look pretty suss there too")

So he keeps talking and his hands keep moving and I can't think of a good reason to go and he's holding onto my backpack (I forget why) so I can't just leg it because my camera's in there and my iTouch too, and I ain't leaving them behind, and after a little bit finally I realise there is no more blog fodder to be had, I need to get the hell out of here.

Me: So I should go. I'm here for a conference and my coworkers are waiting for me at the hotel.
Him: *Pulling his hand out of his pants to shake mine* Okay, well it was nice meeting you Sco.
Me: Nice meeting you too Steve No way I'm touching that thing.

I learned a valueable lesson that day. Don't make eye contact with anyone in the city.

Or, if you are going to, make sure you have your iPod on so that if they try to talk to you you can just keep walking and pretend you didn't hear them.

Case in point.

The Thursday after the conference I was walking home from work and a car pulled up a bit ahead of me coming the other day. I thought nothing of it, there's shops there, I thought they must have been going shopping.

But as I walked past the car the girls inside all started yelling shit like "What's crackin?" and "What's cookin?" and stuff, and then I heard the brains in the backseat say "He can't hear you, he's got his iPod on"

Why is it that on the schoolbus the smart ones sit up the front and the troublemakers are up the back, but when it comes to P Platers (which is people who have just got their licences in Australia) the troublemakers sit up the front, and the brains of the group sits in the back?

Anyway, there are probably lots of guys who would have loved to have a car of P Plater girls yelling at them, but I was happy to just ignore them and keep walking. I wanted to get home. Plus I don't like people.

And thanks to my iPod, I could get away with such snobbery without looking like the jerk that we all know I am.

So today you have learned that the iPod is great if you don't like people. But there's one other thing I have learned for these two experiences.

White and nerdy is in.



I know I've used that video before, but I love it. Weird Al and Big Bang.. two of my favourite things.

Anyway, I should go. I'm heading out over Easter to watch comedy shows tonight and tomorrow night, followed by Football on Sunday.

Because that's what Easter is about right?

Laughing and yelling at the traitor who switched clubs at the end of last season?

TOONDay#2 - Self Portrait

Hello ScoFans!

After my last TOONDay, someone asked if the ScoBorg was a self portrait. Well, it was a self portrait when I first started drawing that character a few years ago, but times have changed, so I give you the updated self portrait...

Yes, I drew it during one of the sessions at the conference. I think it was "How To Successfully Move To Up Front Pricing and Fixed Price Agreements".. yes, it was as fun as it sounds.

Judging by the notes I drew that in the "Accounting Industry Technology Update" That's obviously ScoBorg on the right and I'm not sure what the other one is yet. It appears to be a robot scarecrow of some description. Maybe I'll used it someday.

Feel free to check out some of the websites. I haven't yet.

I better go. I told a coworker I'd watch a bunch of semi intelligent British people cracking jokes and arguing.

Return of The Sco

"So, I'm back up in the game, running things like half my swing
Lettin' all the people know that I'm back to run the show"
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison

Hello ScoFans!

It's no secret that I'm back. I've been tweeting and commenting on your blogs for about a week now, but this is the first moment I've had the time to sit and write a post.

So where did I go?

Well, for those of you who I haven't caught up, I went to Canberra, which is kind of like Australia's Washington. It's where all our Pollie's hang out (in theory, they're usually flying around the globe though)

And for those of you who don't speak Strayan, "Pollie" is "politican". And Strayan is "Australian"

From Sunday through to Wednesday I had a conference to attend, and because I'd never been to Canberra before I decided to stay until Sunday and see what it had to offer.

Today I'll cover the Sunday to Wednesday bit, and at a later time I'll cover the rest (the second post will feature pictures. I didn't think any of you would be interested in pictures of a room full of sleeping people, so there are no pictures from the conference)

On the Sunday we had to go to the conference center and register, and then out to the Australian Institute of Sport where they had free drinks.. but no food. Or there was food, but no meals. Just finger food type stuff.

Anyway, as an "Ice Breaker"(and I thought this was a great ice breaker) they gave everyone half of an athlete. If you could find the person who had the other half, you won a prize (a crappy bottle opener - I don't think many people claimed their prize after we all found out what they were)

I had Usain Bolt's top half, and when I found the girl with his legs there was some debate as to who was "The better half"

I said I had his brain, his lungs and his heart, without them he couldn't live.

She said she had his legs. Without them nobody would even know who he was.

I still think I was right, so if I refer to her again I'll refer to her as "SNTBH" (So Not The Better Half)

While I'm doing that -
OOH - Other Office Head
OOP - Other Office Partner
TEG- The English Guy
TIL - The Illustrious Leader
SIC - Second In Charge
TWW - The Work Wife
SCO - Me

Later that night the head of the company that put on the conference came around introducing himself. OOH and TIL had met him many times before (briefly, he wouldn't remember them, as you'll see if he did he wouldn't have come over)
OOH - I'd just like you to know Barry that I'm the President of your fan club.
Barry- I didn't know I had a fan club, that's nice to know. Thank you.
OOH - Well it's a very small group, but we always say nice things about you.
TIL - Except for when we don't.
Barry- Okay, I better keep going. Have a good night!

OOH and TIL went to university together, and when they're around each other they still get up to their university tricks.

Like on the Tuesday night, our last night together before most of them went home, we were at dinner and we got a Greek waiter. The poor guy didn't have much of a grasp on the English language, and obviously didn't know his classic movie trivia.

OOH and TIL kept asking him questions about things that they didn't want. They'd ask if a meal came with this that or the other and he'd always just respond "I think it does have that, but I can check if you like" and they'd respond "No it's okay, I didn't want it anyway"

What makes me think he doesn't know his classic movie trivia?

When my boss asked if they had any Soylent Green he said "Yeah I think we have that"

If I hadn't already ordered the fish, then I would have asked for the Soylent Green.

What? I'm curious.

Speaking of the fish, just after I had finished lemonising mine (and I use a LOT of lemon on my fish.. like the fish is drowning in it.. wait, no, fish don't drown) WW decided I hadn't had enough so threw her lemon at me, and it landed on my fish.

She CLAIMS it slipped from her hands while she was lemonising her own fish, but there are no witnesses, and I like to believe everyone is out to get me, so I'm sticking with she threw it.

We also had a few plates of chips on the table that we passed around and put on our own plates. This happened.
OOH: Don't be scared to take the last one Sco.
SCO: Don't worry, I won't take the last one.
*Sco takes all the chips except one*
OOH: If you're ever looking for a job in Melbourne, don't come to me.

Then later, there was an argument about what sort of desert had been served with lunch that day.
OOH: What did you think Sco?
SCO: What was it TIL?
TIL: Coffee
SCO: It was definitely coffee.
OOH: You suck up. I could always have someone else around kissing my ass, you can apply for a job at my office after all.


Some of the speakers of note at the conference were:
Dr Ken Henry- currently doing a review into Australia's tax system (okay, I was excited)
John Brogden- Former opposition leader of New South Wales
Ian Kiernan- Creator of "Clean up Australia day"
Peter FitzSimons- Former Rugby player, now commentator and author.

I won't bore you with details of any of their talks. I was just name dropping.

And that's the end of that chapter.

In case you miss me...

This is my first EVER scheduled post. I actually left for Adealide 12 hours ago, and wrote this 24 hours ago. Aren't I getting clever?

Hello ScoFans!

It's now been a week since I last blogged, and because I'm going to Adealide for a few days I'm not going to get a chance to blog again anytime soon.

I think I'm writing this post in part to let you know about my temporary absence, but mostly as an excuse to use that picture. I love that picture.

My time in Adelaide (the city of Churches and serial killers) will be largely eaten up by a conference I have to attend for work, and then activities with coworkers.. nothing exciting, unlikely to be any stories worth telling when I get back.

However, as my phone no longer connects to the Internet (I don't know what happened to it, it was working fine and then a few days later it wasn't) I won't have a chance to do any blog related activities, and I'm hoping that helps me get my groove back. Four days of staring and people sprouting boring information, surely I can daydream up ways to finish these three or four blogs I've been working on and press on towards the 100th post.

They'll even make a movie about it, "How ScoMan Got His Groove Back", and they'll hire an actor who looks like me to play me and then blur his face to keep my identity secret. It won't be a very interesting movie, but it's about time there was something fresh and new coming to cinemas, even if it is terrible.

Anyway, I said I was going to start referring you back to my old posts so you can vote on favourites after the 99th post, so here is the one I have chosen today...

The Girl at the Place Where I Pay My Rent - This one was a favourite of my readers on an old blog, and I cheated and transferred it over here when I started this blog. For those who take the time to read it, I hope you enjoy it.

See you soon my pets!

Oh, and if I don't come back, avenge my death!