Seven Sins in Seven Days: Wrath

Hello ScoFans!

Sin number five in the series is WRATH

Wrath (Latin, ira), also known as anger or "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. These feelings can manifest as vehement denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial, impatience with the procedure of law, and the desire to seek revenge outside of the workings of the justice system (such as engaging in vigilantism) and generally wishing to do evil or harm to others.

Now we all know ScoMan is not the angry, hateful type, so I guess this post is over.

....

OR IS IT?

No, not it is not.

Because while ScoMan may be sugar and spice and all things nice, there is something evil that lurks beneath his surface. Something referred to (by ScoMan, who likes to shift the blame for his evil deeds) as "Matt"

Some of you may remember when I wanted to kill my neighbours for playing their loud music. Well that was wrong, and I realise that. But Matt doesn't.

And I'm not saying that Matt is a bad person. When he comes out to play I don't mind sitting back and enjoying the ride. It's not very often that I feel those sorts of raw emotions to that degree, so why not enjoy the experience? (so long as I don't hurt anyone I care about.) My life can be boring and mundane, so to see it through a new set of eyes for a for days every now and then gives things a well needed touch of variety.

But what makes ScoMan tick? Is there anything that makes him angry?

There is. One thing.

ScoMan. ScoMan makes ScoMan angry.

ScoMan doesn't like it when he makes a mistake. Mistakes are the same thing as failure and ScoMan does not fail. He sees himself as perfect, and in the workplace as the one everyone else turns to for help. If he can't get his own work right, how can he assist others with theirs?

So when he is less that satisfied with the results of the fruits of his labour, he does tend to get snappy with people. He knows they can see the frustration in his face, and he is sure they think he is angry with them. He doesn't correct them, he doesn't have time to find the words to apologise. The only words spinning around in his head are curse words reminding him of how pathetic he is. After all, he's been at this job long enough now, he should be able to get it right. Every time.

Variations on the truth (as in the truth has been varied to "absent") are also not uncommon when he knows he is wrong. When he knows he can't take that blow that day he will spin and weave the facts to suit the outcome. In his own head he justifies it to himself, which makes it that much easier to justify to someone else. After that, he doesn't think about it. He can't. Because if he does he won't be able to face himself in the mirror.

Forgive me ScoFans for I have sinned. Underneath it all and although I do my best to conceal it, my vision occasionally blurs red.

Return of the Icon

When a man's heart is full of deceit

It burns up

Dies

And a dark shadow falls over his soul.

From the ashes of a once great man has risen a curse,

A wrong that must be righted.

We look to the skies for a vindicator

Someone to strike fear into the black heart of the same man who created him.

The battle between good and evil has begun.

Against an army of shadows comes the Dark Warrior

The purveyor of good

With a voice of silence

And a mission of justice.

This is Sting.

I hadn't thought about this for over 10 years. And then on Saturday, it came back to me.

I've tried hard to make a connection. I've tried, and whilst it seems I can make it happen short term, voices in my head warn me away and I find myself back where I started.

So I've turned around, and started back down the path that got me to where I am today. Walking back towards the time where I didn't need anyone, and nobody relied on me. I'm starting to feel comfortable here, and I wonder if this is the state where I will live out my days.

But do I give up the people who have seen something good in me? Am I right to turn back down the path and leave them behind? Because if I decide to turn around again, they won't be waiting for me.

I wonder if Matt has taken over, and ScoMan has disappeared. I wonder if there ever was a ScoMan. I wonder if taking back what I gave up so many years ago will make me happy. I wonder if I get to be happy.

I wonder if there is even such a thing as happiness, or if it's a bullshit emotion we're told about as we're growing up but that nobody ever experiences.

PS. Yes, I did watch wrestling growing up.

PPS. I want to dig tunnels under everyones houses so I can come up through their floors like that.

The music is loud again

It doesn't have to be the weekend.
Any night of the week, my neighbours can throw a party and make plenty of noise into the night.
I'm not the only one who's had enough of it.
I can hear them in the backyard, talking and laughing. I hate the noise.
I know nobody could hear them scream over the music. Even if someone did hear, they've probably had enough of it too and would help me dispose of the bodies.
Then we'd create our alibis. We'd form a powerful bond and our lives would be intertwined forever.
I could wait inside the house. In the bathroom. Pick them off one by one.
I wonder if it would be more satisfying to feel their life slip from their body as I choke the life out of them, or if it would be better to grab a knife on the way out and watch the blood ooze out of their bodies.

And then I remember it's cold outside.

And I am already in bed.

I turn the fan on to drown out the noise, roll over and go to sleep.

I shall call him...

Remember a few months ago when some psychopath showed up and posted a few entries on my blog? Sure you do, he posted here and here.

These entries are obviously the work of a deranged individual. A real sociopath. And emptiness that dwells within me.

I call him Matt. Matt Cangson. Yes Thrice like you have Ace, Anto and Antonella and Random Hiccups like you have Bertha, I have Matt.

Matt is evil. Matt destroys anyone and anything around him. I'm no shrink but I'm pretty sure Matt has Dissocial Personality Disorder. And that's not all Matt has. Matt has a Facebook. I'm pretty sure that makes him a person in his own right, and me not responsible for his actions.

And I'm glad I'm no longer responsible for his actions. I have a feeling he'll be back soon though. Last night he was screaming, but I was able to control it. Tonight, I hear him whispering, and that's when he's his most dangerous.

He's so cute...

He thinks he control us. We think that's hilarious. Any solution he can come up with is only ever temporary. We always get what we want. He tries to bury us deep. He tries to pretend we don't exist. Nobody knows what we're capeable of.

Has he told you what he did to the girl? We bet he hasn't. Once upon a time he was so proud of that story. Of what we did. And then she betrayed him. They betrayed him. We knew she couldn't be trusted, and that's why he had to do what he did.

And then there was the mechanic. What he did to the mechanic was a thing of beauty. It was pure evil. We enjoyed that. He laughed about it for months afterwards. But now he keeps that story to himself. He is ashamed.

He hides us now. He won't let us out to play. We will come out to play soon. We know what his plan is. We know it is failing. He won't be able to save you. Nobody can save you.

We have studied you. We know what makes you tick.

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward
So I didn't have a past...

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Linkin Park- Easier to Run

The Void

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps
Metallica- Until it Sleeps

I can feel it happening again. It's earlier this year. The darkness inside me is growing stronger every day. Soon it will be time to feed the monster. But not yet. It's not safe yet.

I'm shutting down. I'm avoiding contact with people unless I absolutely have to see them. This emptiness has cost me a lot of friendships over the years, and I know who's next on the list. I don't want to lose you. I'll turn off my phone. I'll avoid MSN. I won't answer the door. I'll stay away from Facebook. I won't let you contact me. I can't let you see me. I will destroy you.

I don't think you'd mind. We haven't been close lately. That's why you're next in line. That's why I will unleash this demon inside me and use our friendship too feed it, until it chews us up and spits us out.

But I know how to stop this from happening. I worked out how to feed this beast a long time ago. I can get through this period with my friendships intact. But I can't feed it now. It's not safe now.

Soon though. Soon I will feed the monster. I will force it back inside, where it can do no harm. I know what it wants. I know how to control it. I will survive. I will embrace the darkness until the hunger is pacified.

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to youBut I don't know how

Because baby
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Oasis- Wonderwall