Told You How I F***** Your Mother

Hello ScoFans!

** For those of you with this blog in Google Reader.. first of all you're awesome and I love you, but secondly this post might show up twice, once that won't work because it accidentally published and I deleted it, and then this one which should work**

Well, the first week back came with a bit of a surprise. It was shocking, shattering, ground breaking, life changing stuff. But I don't think that covers it. It's worse than all of that. Perhaps. I know at least one of you will understand how I feel.

In fact, a blog man hug may be on the cards, and those are so rarely on the cards, because there's so few situations where it's acceptable for men to hug.. and even fewer for blog man hugs. I won't do a list of the situations where it is okay, I'm sure it's been done, so if you're looking for one try Google.

Okay, here we go...

I turned up at work on Monday to find out the OGOM is not coming back. For those of you that don't follow "Ed's Funny Pages", first of all you should be, it's funny stuff, and second of all OGOM stands for "Old Guy Office Mate" (You can watch Ed's interview with his OGOM here. Sadly, I will never get the chance to interview mine)

Apparently he's decided he wants to spend more time with his grandkids and so he's moving closer to them. Well that's all well and good for the grandkids, but what about me? What am I supposed to do? I need him too.

I need someone who I can ask for help by saying "I think this used to happen a lot in the olden days. I haven't had much experience with it but I'm sure you've seen it thousands of times so you can explain this to me?", and know that all he'll do is give me a dirty look, have a laugh and think of ways to get me back later.

I need someone who madly supports the Collingwood football club to the point where he has

• their ringtone on his phone
• their background on his computer
• their website as his homepage and
  
• their logo on his coffee cup

and know that I can..

• change his background
• change his homepage to be the scoreboard from the last time Essendon beat Collingwood
• hide his cup and know he'll think he simply misplaced is
• change the ringtone on his phone to the Essendon club song, knowing his grandson had to put the Collingwood one on there and he won't know how to change it back

Sure this might all sound like bullying. But for guys this is what we do. This is what the OGOM is all about. They can take a joke, and they so rarely take the time to get us back.

At least that's been my experience.

But as much as I'm going to miss having someone to have a joke with and talk sports with (it's now pretty much the boss, about 10 women, one other guy who has kids so is in the "Parents Club" and I) I think there's something I'll miss more than all of that.

I'll miss knowing that if on a Friday afternoon I'm feeling too tired to work, all I have to do is find something to photocopy.

When I walked to the photocopier I'd walk past his desk and he'd engage me in some random conversation, and about 30 minutes later he'd be telling me some story about his childhood I'd probably already heard 3 or 4 times before, but it'd kill time at least and if anyone complained about my efficiency (who's efficient on a Friday afternoon anyway?) I'd just say "He got to talking and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I just let him keep going" (no one ever complained about my efficiency though)

So the landscape of the office has changed, and I'm going to have to feel it out and determine what my new role is. Maybe my new role will be "Guy who got sick of this shit and moved on". I think that I'm well suited to that role.

In other news...

• I've set up a formspring account which is now on the right hand side of the screen there. You can head over there and ask me anything you like, and every now and then I might even use them for blog material (if I can't think of anything else). The added bonus is, you will upset at least some of the people who follow me on Twitter.. perhaps to the point where they'll stop following me? I don't know. All I know is someone wasn't happy last night. It made me feel like I had a hater. It's important to have haters. Only big shots and important people have haters.
• I am currently waiting for an Opera DVD to arrive here. I'm very excited. Who would have known I'd ever end up looking this forward to something Opera related? Maybe I'll post more on it someday.

Until Tuesday...

Both threw insults at each other,
Told you how I f***** your mother

"Ninja Ropes"- Commentary! The Musical

A song for AJ at Christmas

Hello ScoFans!

Well, the holiday season is quickly approaching and looking around the bloggosphere, it really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

So this week I thought I'd get in on the Christmas spirit.

But before I do, there is a bit of Christmas spirit happening for US Citizens over at "In Joy And Sorrow" You can win some desserty cakey type things that are apparently pretty good. I wouldn't know. Don't worry, you won't be competing against me because this whole competition reeks of discrimination against those of us unfortunate enough to not be in the US, but if you are in the US head on over and get a chance to win yourself some good food.

And, if like me you're not in the US, make yourself an awesome dessert out of chocolate and tears, crying to yourself saying "I don't need them anyway"

Anyway, back to what I was saying before I got interrupted by.. myself.

Of course this time of year, we're going to be seeing a lot more of our families. Especially the parts of the family we don't see very often. And I know, that having a two year old niece she is going to be the highlight of everyone's Christmas again this year. Because she's the first grandchild for my parents generation, she's the first child for my generation and of course the first great grandchild for my grandparents.

And that's why, as the first child of my generation, I thought I'd rewrite (I use the term rewrite loosely, I did keep a lot of the original lyrics because they couldn't be improved upon.. I guess "personalised" would be a more appropriate term then "rewrite".. yeah, let's try that and see how it goes), sorry, did I say rewrite? I meant I thought I'd personalise this song a little bit for the source of all of our joys this Christmas, one first born to another.

Let me know what you think..

Every night I lay awake
With sorrow in my chest
I think of AJ and wonder
Is she getting rest?
Does she know each second
She's only second best?

Tossing in her bed
What's she feeling? Dread?

I’m better
Better than Mil
In so many ways
I find it a thrill
Oh sure Mil is great
Best isn't her fate
'Cause I'm so unreal
I’m better

When I was getting HD's
She wasn't even born
Who's memorised the lyrics to
every Tool song?
Who fights their way to work through
a crowd in a throng?

Look at Mil cryin'
So bad she's tryin'

She makes Duplo towers
And everyone claps
I write awesome posts
No one applauds that
I’ve beaten GTA 3
What are the odds?

Now my ears are ringin'
‘Cause everyone's singin'

I’m better
Better than Mil
At so many things
It's hard to conceal
Oh sure she says "Pabaw"
"Pabaw's" not real
How dumb do you feel?
I'm better

Mil likes to play hide and seek
Well so do I niece
But I hide my body
You just hide your face
You hide behind your hands
My hidings ace

Now I've got your nose
But no blood on my clothes, yeah

People see me in the street
Can't believe that it's me
They know I would never need to
Play make believe
Except about the throng crowd
It's more of a sea

At least I'm not prone
To dancing alone

Look at her smallness
Compared to my tallness
My opening door-ness
My catching of ball-ness
The way I don't fall-ness
How I make phone call-ness
The way I'm so flaw-less
My just all in all-ness

My wonderful me-ness
My smile – My people can tell
That I'm awfully swell
While Mil has a weird smell
I’m just sayin oh well

I’m better
Better than Mil
At- where do I start?
Well first I don't squeal
We raced on the deck
And who beat the rest?
Can't help I'm the best
I’m better than Mil

Yeah Yeah Yeah
I’m better than Mil
Who's jumped on a moving
automobile?
She plays with her toys
And again she squeals
When her toys I steal
I’m better than Mil

Do you think I should stand up at Christmas dinner and start singing? Oh, and if you want to hear and enjoy the original song so you can learn the tune and then sing along to this version, here it is..

Until Friday...

Trapped into new experiences

Hello ScoFans!

Well, my streak as the kiss of death continues and the person who was going to write this week isn't feeling the creativity flow at this point in time, so you'll have to wait a little bit longer for the end of the story. In the meantime I'll continue to entertain you as best I can.

As those of you following me on Twitter know, I had to attend a work function last night. One that I wasn't too keen on attending. I wasn't sure exactly what it was about. All I knew is, I had to show up in "After Five" wear and that the meal was free (which was enough to get me there)

I was, as always, one of the first to arrive (I don't do fashionably late) so I grabbed a coke and sat at my table and waited for my coworkers to arrive. After about 20 minutes as the table started to fill, I realised some of the coworkers I would have liked to share a table with were going to be on a different table which was a tad disappointing.

Before proceedings there were people running around taking pictures of everyone. One of my coworkers and I had to get our pictures taken about 6 times because we looked "too pale" in each picture. We agreed that was probably because we are pale, which is probably because we hate outside.

We looked at the entrees that were served to us and had trouble determining what most of it was (I did work out that the lemon was lemon, which makes me pretty awesome) I decided I wasn't eating any of it until my demands were met:

• a list of ingredients in each item
• a discussion with the chef to ensure their competency
• our MasterChef judge Matthew Preston try everything and give me his evaluation of each thing on the menu

I'm not a picky eater.. but I'm not going to eat anything unless I know what it is I'm putting in my mouth (a lesson we could all learn from Mel's last blog)

My boss, who had organized the whole thing, stood up before dinner to tell us what we were all there for. He told us it was to be a discussion about how wonderful the "Baby Boomers" are. How much they have done for this country. How this country has been changed across the ages to accommodate them. First more primary schools when they reached primary school age. Then secondary schools being built as they reached that age. And now, to his horror, nursing homes being constructed at a rate faster than ever before.

He said he had lined up a group of speakers for us to help the baby boomers maintain their power and control, and keep Generation X in the background "where they belong"

He had a school principal who was going to give the speech "It's probably my fault"

A lawyer who specialises in succession planning who was going to read from us from his thesis "You can't take what you can't find"

And a Gen-X nurse who was going to talk up the benefit of kerosene baths.

Then, dinner was served. Dinner was nice but the veggies were a bit raw.

Somehow, dinner conversation turned to my coworkers trying to send me on holidays, preferably overseas. It's funny, mum has been saying the same thing to me lately. Maybe there's a message in that? Maybe my coworkers and family no longer welcome me? That's okay, it's not like people usually spent a lot of time around their coworkers and family anyway right?

First we were talking Middle East, because the V8s are racing there next year. That was my idea. Unfortunately, if I am going to take a holiday my input into any decision doesn't count for much. That idea was shot down and before I knew it I was being sent to London. I'm not sure why, other than because that's where one of my coworkers went when she was 19 and apparently I should be doing everything the way she did it.

She also told me about a car museum I have to go and see at Donnington (I think?). I could see cars in the Middle East too, and they would be driving, but hey.. whatever. Apparently "speaking English" should be high on my list of what to look for in the country I'm visiting on my first time overseas.

I kept insisting that I'm not a traveler and she said neither was her husband before she met him, but she soon sorted him out and showed him the world.

"Maybe that's what I need to start traveling. A significant other"
"Yes. Someone to drag you away from your comfort zone and give you some experiences"
"No. Someone to run away from because they make my comfort zone a lot less comfortable"

That joke was a big hit with the guys, not so much with their wives.

After dinner my boss stood up again and said he was going to now go to the "interactive" part of the evening. He asked everyone to pull their seats right in so that he could move around the room and point to people, and when he pointed they had to contribute.

People did this, and then he sat down.

And then the opera singers came down the stairs.

And I was trapped.. on the far side of the room from the exits.. about 70 people between me and the door.. my back to the wall literally and figuratively speaking. Plus I had just had roast beef so was feeling very sluggish and in no mood to try a speedy and cunning escape. In fact, I felt more like napping.

So I sat through it. It wasn't even one opera.. it was like Opera's Greatest Hits as selected by the boss. The highlight during the first session was when one of the girls was singing a romantic song and moving around the room rubbing against men, and she moved to our table and behind one of the other guys not into the opera at all and as he thought he was safe from her he said "Thank G.."

What he didn't realise is that she'd paused behind him and was looking at the back of his head. Her arm shot over his shoulder and started rubbing his chest while the rest of us enjoy a good laugh at his expense.

Desert rolled around and we got a break from the music. Conversation turned to a book one of the women was reading which says Australia is in a "man drought".. at the key ages women usually get married, there is a serious shortage of men in that same age bracket (hear that single guys? Having no luck, come to Australia and increase your odds!)

She convinced the single girl at our table to get out and meet new people, but then told me I still have to go to London. I'm not sure what she was implying, but I think it might be that English girls are easy.

How would I know? I never go anywhere. *Looks to Nic for input on the topic*

Who needs to go places when you have blog friends to fill you in on what's happening over there?

After desert, more singing and I guess the important thing to come out of the evening is that I survived it. Not only that, I kind of enjoyed it. I do remember promising a blogger going to see Moulin Rouge with them after Dexter did it in "Dexter By Design", and I guess this was like training wheels for something like that. I would have much rathered if they were singing Dr Horrible tunes (I did spend part of the night choreographing in my mind how one would set up different Dr Horrible scenes in the restaurant, but you make the best out of what you're given.

The evening ended with them singing happy birthday to the boss, which for him would be an amazing experience. The look of joy on his face through the whole evening was great.

Until Friday...