When a man's heart is full of deceit
It burns up
Dies
And a dark shadow falls over his soul.
From the ashes of a once great man has risen a curse,
A wrong that must be righted.
We look to the skies for a vindicator
Someone to strike fear into the black heart of the same man who created him.
The battle between good and evil has begun.
Against an army of shadows comes the Dark Warrior
The purveyor of good
With a voice of silence
And a mission of justice.
This is Sting.
I hadn't thought about this for over 10 years. And then on Saturday, it came back to me.
I've tried hard to make a connection. I've tried, and whilst it seems I can make it happen short term, voices in my head warn me away and I find myself back where I started.
So I've turned around, and started back down the path that got me to where I am today. Walking back towards the time where I didn't need anyone, and nobody relied on me. I'm starting to feel comfortable here, and I wonder if this is the state where I will live out my days.
But do I give up the people who have seen something good in me? Am I right to turn back down the path and leave them behind? Because if I decide to turn around again, they won't be waiting for me.
I wonder if Matt has taken over, and ScoMan has disappeared. I wonder if there ever was a ScoMan. I wonder if taking back what I gave up so many years ago will make me happy. I wonder if I get to be happy.
I wonder if there is even such a thing as happiness, or if it's a bullshit emotion we're told about as we're growing up but that nobody ever experiences.
PS. Yes, I did watch wrestling growing up.
PPS. I want to dig tunnels under everyones houses so I can come up through their floors like that.
Posts
I think that, once a person spends the majority of their time alone, they depend upon only themselves. Become comfortable with themselves and the quiet that surrounds them. You don't need conversation, touch. But at the same time, you sometimes miss it. And then once you miss friends, conversation, you wonder if you're happy this way.
ReplyDeleteYet, reaching out and thinking to put yourself in the midst of people makes you feel uncomfortable and cranky??? Yeah, I know this feeling. It's frustrating as all get up.
I told you I didn't have a problem with Matt either, I wouldn't be his facebook friend if I didn't like him. You said he didn't hate me and look what happened now...everything because he wouldn't understand that I had a Freaky Friday.
ReplyDeleteDon't be like Mikey. I don't deserve to be ignored. You know that.
Don't be an ass.
I'll still be here anyway. That's what I do. I get a slap in the face, and still, I come back.
And I don't care if I invade your comments box or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI have spend a lot of time on my own, as in about 6/7 months wandering around without a friend in the world, then even when I had an apartment which I got litteraly to improve my social life i'd still spend mon-thur completely alone, it's not fun, only know the last 10 or so months have I actually start having regularly friends for the first time since I left school
ReplyDeleteOuch. Are you okay?
ReplyDeleteI have fight with myself a lot too and lately I'm confused
I have a hard time with people. I mostly enjoy to be by myself (ironic that I live in a zoo, eh?!). And even though I'm very happy, sometimes I look at myself objectively and wonder if I should be happy. Does that make any sense at all?
ReplyDeleteAre you depressed Scozy? I think you made me a bit sad.
ReplyDeleteAwww...sweetie what's wrong? Well, there's that famous saying "No man is an island and people need people". I do value my "me" time, but then again, life is sweeter when you have people to share those sweet moments with. I'm just a blog away if you need anything. =)
ReplyDeleteu need alcohol
ReplyDeletei am picking up what you are putting down.
ReplyDeleteand, i like this
“Maybe that’s just growing up. When you’re young, you tell yourself things like ‘Well, if it didn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be’ as if that actually meant something just because it sounds like it does. I think you can say something like that so blithely because you expect to stumble onto something else just as wonderful just around the next bend in the road. But people are rare perfect unique things and just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least realize what it really means to say goodbye to something that meant everything. Just because you will survive and get over it doesn’t mean you should let it go.”
Good blog poost
ReplyDelete